I wanted to take a moment to express grattitude to God for giving me so many wonderful people in my life. I have just been amazed recently at all the incredible people around me, and how supportive they are. <3
I've been listening to a lot of Leonard Cohen and Peter, Paul and Mary lately, and I want to share some songs that have really touched me:
LC
The Gypsy Wife
Halleluja
Who By Fire
Closing Time
1000 Kisses Deep
PPM
Kisses Sweeter than Wine
Blowin in the Wind
The Rising of the Moon
and of course - Puff the Magic Dragon, my childhood favorite!
When I first started using Facebook, it was a great way to unleash my inner exhibitionist (oxymoron?) without much risk. Today however, I have enough Facebook friends, that the risk is slightly bigger - especially since supposedly employers look at those things, though, given that I don't engage in illegal activity (to the best of my knowledge), I'm not sure how my personal life is related to my qualifications for employment.
In a sense, this blog has replaced Facebook: Since it's quasi-anyonymous, I feel quite free - though not free enough to start chronicling my lovelife and calling this blog "Semite in the City", as a brilliant friend of mine recently suggested.*
So here is my exhibitionism, in the form of moments in my life from the past week:
A friend of mine recently told me that s/he saw a ketubah with a picture of Adam and Eve on it, and the Eve had realistic boobage. My immediate response was: That's awesome! I want realistic boobage on my ketubah. To which the response was: Why aren't you gay?
I get asked that all the time!** I also get asked, "Are you gay?", quite a lot - usually because I'm being hit on by a woman, or solicited by a man for a threesome. (So why doesn't the man ask if I'm "bi" - I could hypothetically be gay, and not into men, thus invalidating me for the purposes of a menage a trois?).
Also, I recently expressed a desire for both me and my husband to wear wedding dresses under the chuppah, and have introduced myself as, "Hello, my name is X - and I promise I'm not obsessed with sex", when meeting someone while in the midst of a rant-y discussion about Jewish sexual ethics - a topic very near and dear to my heart - not to mention my lady-bits.
I got into a random conversation (half in Hebrew half in English) at (one of) the local
Starbucks with a random ex-Hasid, who lived in Israel for four
years and now works in China. A great New York moment. It all started
when he saw the Hebrew letters on the back of my Save Darfur sweatshirt
and asked if I was Israeli.
I had a conversation with my mom about whether one has to be tzefolygen to be meshige, and whether it was possible to be meshige without being tzefloygen - which is pretty funny, considering that I don't really speak Yiddish.
Also, I recently told a friend of mine that the number of creepy guys in my life was much higher since he went away, and is no longer around to call me stupid - to which he sent a response email, that was just the word "Stupid", over and over. Who would have thought an email calling me stupid could make me so happy?
I have things more revealing to reveal, but because cyberspace is never anonymous anymore, I'm going to have to chain my exhibitionist for tonight, and reveal no more. Please pass the handcuffs.
*My lovelife probably reads like a great, "What not to do" manual, for the most part - which is arguably what "Sex and the City" is, to begin with. I will stop myself from psychologically analzying Carrie, but suffice it to say, I've spent waaaay too much time doing so. Of course, there have been good moments too - and great guys :)
** Answer: I like cock?
I meant for this to be a serious post, where I culled my thoughts about Yom Kippur and put them together in a wonderfully coherent essay. Instead, I am drinking coffee and thinking about clothing. I had a few clothing-related revelations today:
1. Everything is better when done topless (except for maybe job interviews, and even then, it depends on the type of job).
2. Modesty actually matters to me. You see, I have a ten-dollar skirt that keeps on getting smaller and smaller with each wash. The result was that today, for the first time I can remember, I found myself worrying about whether or not I'd worn a sexy pair of underwear, because if the skirt went any higher while I walked, that might matter. I didn't think it would matter to me, but it really did. (Yes, I do like going topless or in the nude - but at home, by myself or with people I know - not in public.)
Ok, on to more serious things: I've been continuing to think about Israeli folk-songs. You see, there is one that lists an entire catalogue of things the singer has not done yet, with the refrain, "I have not loved enough - the wind and the sun are on my face. I have not spoken enough - and if not now, when?"* My favorite stanza however, is the final one: Even though you are here, and so pretty, I run away from you as if you were a plague. There are still many things I wanted to do - so surely, you'll forgive me for this year too?
Sometimes, the High Holiday season feels a bit like this song: At the same time you make all these resolutions, a part of you is wondering if you aren't destined to break at least some of them? Surely, we must ask forgiveness for the failure to fully repent, just as we try to fully repent? I have even heard some people say that repentance is pointless: We are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past, so why bother? Why fake repentance through a series of rituals?
I disagree with this type of thinking: As humans, we can control our actions, and we need not repeat prior mistakes. Furthermore, knowing that, by nature, we can not be perfect, does not make our repentance fake: We are expressing a desire to be as close to perfect as we can be, while understanding that true perfection is impossible. Repentance is a process: It is about engaging in self-reflection, setting goals, and trying to discover ways to achieve those goals - no one can know the result, but the key thing is that we are trying.***
There is a story about a non-religious man who, every Rosh Hashana through Yom Kippur, dressed as a chassid and visited a rebbe. One year, he showed up to the rebbe's dressed normally. The rebbe began to cry. "But Rebbe, I never was a chassid - it was always just a costume!", the man said. "I knew you weren't a chassid for the rest of the year; I always assumed who you were while you were with me was who you truly are, but the rest of the year things interfered. Now that you visit me dressed as you are, I see that the non-hassid is who you truly are."
First of all, this story brings me back to the topic of clothes, costumes, religiosity as performance, garb as social role, and the role that clothing can play in our spiritual lives - but I'm going to ignore that at the moment.
Second of all, I believe that the High Holiday season is a gift: God is giving us an opportunity to be the best people we can be for ten days, understanding (since He (She?) understands us better than we do ourselves) that we might not be able to keep up the momentum. But what a lovely thing - to have a set time in our lives each year to ask ourselves the important questions. How many people feel that life passed them by, and they don't know when or why? Having an annual time to take stock of your life helps prevent that - and let's face it, between Facebook and Hulu, there just wouldn't be much time to schedule in for introspection if Judaism didn't do it for us. I would like to think, maybe, if we are the best we can be for the days of repentance, God judges us as He judged Ismael "basher hoo sham", according to the spiritual level he had at that moment, disregarding any evil actions God knew he might do in the future (this is according to Rashi on Genesis, 21: 17).
At the same time, this explanation does not cut it for me: I would like to think if we are going through a spiritual struggle, God will not judge us based on where we are at that moment, but instead, will recognize that there are extenuating circumstances, will give us opportunities in the next year to help us overcome our struggle and fulfill our potential. This fits in with Mincha Belula's interpretation of "basher hoo sham", that "God saw the pain of the youth, that he was there (basher hoo) in pain (sham batzaar)." God saved Ismael not because of his merit at that moment, but because he was in pain, and God looked at the pain - not at the merit. This is the way we want God to look at us on Yom Kippur - we do not want him to look at our merit (or lack thereof), but rather to enact His infinite mercy and infinite capacity for forgiveness in order to pardon us. We say, "Remember the covenant, but not the yetzer". What is that covenant? It is the covenant of the 13 attributes of mercy - God's promise to enact his mercy through the act of remembrance. What can remembrance mean, since God forgets nothing? I believe that, for God to remember means a selective "forgetting": God chooses to look at and "remember" the good, and "forget" the bad. He chooses to look at the extenuating circumstances, and not the mistakes we have made, just as he looked at the circumstance that Ismael was in when he prayed to God while in pain.
This is where the idea of God and the people of Israel as a husband and wife comes in. Part of being in a relationship is choosing to see the positive, and not the negative. It is choosing to forgive, because when you live together, stuff happens. Feeling get hurt. Mistakes are made - but a determination to see the positive in each other and to forgive each other is what makes the relationship work. As a matter of fact, improving interpersonal relationships is a a large part of Yom Kippur: We are enjoined to ask forgiveness of each other, and to forgive. I believe that this is for a few reasons: 1. God knew that human beings are large on pride, and short on time - so what could be better than to designate a time for them to set aside their pride? 2. Having an annual time to resolve arguments leads to more social cohesion, on a micro and macro level. It prevents conflicts from becoming entrenched. Just think about how much easier it would have been if the Capulets and the Montagues could have asked forgiveness for each other the year that their fight first started, before heading off to synagogue, instead waiting until things became so deep and complicated that Romeo and Juliet wound up dying.** 3. It is just healthy for us, as human beings, to practice the act of forgiveness. Having a set time of year to resolve conflicts is healthy for the individual, since rifts in interpersonal relationships come with emotional baggage. 4. You need the forgiveness of a person for a wrong you committed against her - praying without asking forgiveness from the person herself won't cut it. This sends the message that if people are mean, they can't pray a lot, and count on their prayers to "make up for" their meanness to people. Clearly, Judaism does not recognize that as type of religiosity as valid.
The emphasis on interpersonal commandments as being central to living a religious life, something much at work in the prophets, is one of the aspects of Judaism that most resonates with me, even if it is an aspect that is hard to carry out. I am wishing each and every one of you a year full of health, wealth and happiness, in which all of us are the people we truly wish to be (yes, I do think that's an important wish, which is why I am expressing it two posts in a row.)
The Hebrew folk-song that inspired this : Od Lo Ahavti Dai - words by Naomi Shemer, sung by Yehoram Gaon
* "If not now, when?" is a quote from Hillel in Pirkey Avot.
**Note: The play is about lust not, love!
*** Furthermore, the fact that this process is encapsulated in a series of ritual does not mean that is is fake - on the contrary, as Jacob Milgrom says in his commentary on Leviticus, "Anthropology has taught us that when a society wishes to express and preserve its basic values, it ensconces them in rituals". (Milgrom 1). In the case of prayer, because it is performative speech, it is a ritual act. The primary importance of ritual has led to the theory in some Ancient Near Eastern studies, that myths were built up around ritual, and not vice versa. The values of forgiveness and self-improvement ensconced in High Holiday ritual thus shows their importance in Judaism, and by performing those rituals we express our tradition and the values of our religion. See fortresspress.com for more on Milgrom's book. It's called "Leviticus", conveniently enough.
This new year has brought some highs and some lows - most involving people in my life or experiences in my life I simply don't want to share online, for privacy reasons (shocking, I know).
Most of all, I have been thinking a lot about two Israeli folk-songs: One, by Chava Alberstein, the other, an Israeli children's song shared by two friends of mine.
The Alberstein song riffs off of a Jewish Passover folk-song, about a father who buys a goat. The Alberstein version sings, "Why are you singing this song? It is not yet springtime; Passover has not yet come. What has changed for you this year? I have changed this year, that on all other nights, I had four questions. Tonight, I have another question: How much longer will the cycle of violence continue - pursuer and pursued, wounder and wounded - how much longer will this craziness persist? I have changed this year: I once was a sheep, a sweet lamb - today I am a leopard, a hunting wolf. I have already been a dove and a gazelle; today I no longer know who I am".
This song particularly resonates with me, because sometimes I feel that I too, have become the leopard. There are times where this feels empowering, and times when it feels the opposite.
Contrast this with the second song, a children's song that proclaims that no matter what happens in life, the singer remains himself. This is a beautiful ideal - that we should remain ourselves no matter what. Of course, we should grow in response to events in our lives, but not at the expense of losing our core.
As a matter of fact, I view Judaism as a journey towards the core: Avraham is commanded, "Lech lecha", literally "go to yourself", for Judaism can act as a vehicle to self-actualization, to going towards the "you" that deepest you that your truly wish to be.
So how does one balance the two, the remaining oneself while growing? Are there times when we should transform ourselves from sheep into leopards?
I don't know the answer, I do know however, that after listening to the song today, I have to ask myself: Have I remained myself this year, faced with the various challenges it has posed? Have I indeed followed Polonius's advice, in Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true,/
And it must follow, as the night the day/Thou canst not then be false to any man.". I don't know the answer - I suppose that is what the ten days of repentance are about - examining ourselves and looking for an answer.
Below is the "I remain myself" song, for your enjoyment :) May we all have an upcoming year in which we are the person we truly want to be.
This Regina Spektor song came up on my playlist. The song always touches me, not just because Regina Spektor makes beautiful music, but also, because in love, I don't think there's such a thing as loving anyone too completely*, and this song speaks to that truth.
Also, by "love" I don't mean "sleep with" (though one often encompasses the other). It's interesting: In the past, the greatest love stories, such as Wuthering Heights, were considered great precisely because they remained unconsummated. Today, love is not considered legitimate unless it's been consummatted. I could try to explain the shift, how today's society is trying to compensate for Victorian values, and discuss the roots of ascetism in Classic culture, but instead I refer you to the works of Michel Foucault and Daniel Boyarin :)
* Exception: If you are in an abusive relationship, no matter how much you love the person or how many positive qualities they have, you should get out before they can harm you. I know it's easier said than done, but I still have to say it.
Today something horrifying happened: I was working on a paper, and throughout, I kept muttering "Why is this my life?". Of course, I was working on a low-stakes paper for a class I hated, out of loyalty to my parents' money, since they had paid for the course. Now, this loyalty may not be misplaced, but, I wondered: How can I allow myself to be in a situation where this ugly phrase is what I keep muttering to myself? I can't. That is not the type of life I want to live, or the type of person I want to be.
So I took a shower, and now I'm sitting here listening to music and typing this post.* I am asking myself: What would my ideal life, for the next year or two look like, leaving aside thoughts of future consequences? The answer is simple: I would study at Drisha, being part of the arts fellowship,** while also taking part-time classes for Columbia University's MA in Human Rights. I would spend every single vacation - even if it was a one-week vacation - in Israel. I would have subscription tickets to the opera, and live in a studio on the Upper West Side.
So why am I not pursuing that option? Answer: It is too expensive to split my time between Israel and NY, so I chose Israel. Furthermore, living in Israel is my ideal - it just so happens that Drisha and Columbia are two institutions that I would be willing to delay that ideal for, if it were feasible to still spend substantial amounts of time in Israel while doing so. I do not regret my decision to make aliyah in October, but I am scared: Not scared of being in Israel, but scared that within the wide variety of options that "life in Israel" encompasses, I might take a path that will leave me un-fulfilled, that will not empower me to contribute to the world as I wish to.
There are also two truths I have realized: 1. I am open to the idea of returning at the US for some point for Drisha/Columbia or some equally worthy opportunity. 2. I am willing to live in the US for love.*** To a certain extent, these realizations alleviate my fear, and I hope that the phrase I muttered to myself this morning is largely a consequence of the life I currently lead: a life in limbo, as I wait to get on a plane, a life without routine, a life in my parents house (as loving as they are) - in other words, a consequence of temporary situations in my life that will change once I get to Israel.
But I still think today's exercise was helpful: Now I have to look at the ideal next-two-years I just envisioned, to isolate elements of that ideal that I can incorporate into my current NY life and (God willing) into my future Israel life.
* A note on this blog: It is largely a way for me to work through my personal challenges, so it might focus on my less-flattering aspects. I tend to assume if you don't know me well, you probably won't be interested enough to read this, so hopefully that doesn't matter. If you wonder why I'm putting this online, 2 reasons: 1. It's nice to write for an audience, even if I suspect that audience might be just a handful of people 2. The same way we can learn from our own mistakes, we can also learn from the mistakes of others so hopefully, you can learn something from my blog - but, to quote Tzeitel immitating Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof, "Don't ask me what!".
** Self-advertisement: I also have a creative writing blog.
*** The second is the more shocking, because I've spent a long time refusing to date in the US lest I fall in love with someone who doesn't move to Israel. Also: I'm a cynical feminist who doesn't like to admit that I actually believe in romance.
I told myself I would go to bed early tonight, but here I am, typing, as replays of tonight's DNC Convention croon softly in the background.
Here are three thoughts:
1. I sometimes need to restrain a desire to sing and pretend to fly while walking through the streets. At such moments, I wish I possessed the power of invisibility.
2. Sometimes I talk to myself, not because I'm crazy, but because I'm an egoist.
3. This week is fashion week. I found myself feeling extremely un-glamorous as I passed by a gaggle of stiletto-clad models*. I took a flyer, and saw an ad for Harry Winston, which is having an exhibit about "the nature of time", as measured through its company's diamonds. This ad struck me as preposterous: The nature of time is many things, but something measurable by Harry Winston diamonds is not one of them.**
So I started pondering the way diamonds are used to symbolize romance There are so many things that are more meaningful (and cheaper) than a diamond, and I wonder if it isn't largely because of diamond companies' large advertising blitz that they've convinced us diamonds are THE way of expressing romance. I remember once, last year, having a conversation with mostly younger peers, who all were fantasizing about their dream engagement ring. I felt this odd disconnect, because I don't have a dream engagement ring, or a dream proposal scenario, or even want/expect/hope for a ring if/when the moment comes.***
Then of course, there is the double-standard issue, since men are expected to give rings and plan proposals, but women are just expect to say yes, to be passive agents in their own destiny.
But despite my entire pseudo-feminist rant, I still felt the desire to be glamorous for that one moment, to be considered beautiful by this group of strangers. I would like to think that this desire came from the impulse to connect with others, but who knows? I can merely shrug my unfashionable shoulders and reach for my ten-dollar flip-flops.
PS - Lots of thoughts about "being an American" as a result of watching all the convention speeches, but it's nearly 2 am, and I have a cold, so I'm way too tired to write about something serious. I'd rather just dream of stiletto heels dancing beneath Lincoln Center in the moonlight and apples lying by books in the grass, and wonder what the boy is dreaming of in the DRC, as he stands silently in a mine shaft.
* Also, what's up with male models shaving their chest hair? I think it's weird. If I dated a guy who enjoyed shaving his chest hair, I'd respect his aesthetic choice, but I don't think male chest-hair is unattractive - it just so happens that I am turned on by the male anatomy, which generally includes a somewhat hairy chest. Then again, I also am bothered by the model industries' demand that it's women be shaved/waxed/lazered/what-have-you. Actually, I am just bothered by the industry. Period.
** Please read Alan Lightman's "Einstein's Dreams", a novella about the nature of time. You can borrow it if you want - first come first served :)
*** If it is a diamond though, it can not be a blood diamond. That is non-negotiable.
There is a Lonely Island classic that claims, "It's OK if it's in a 3-way". I've decided that I feel that way about blogs: If I blog about something, it's magically forgiven. The real me might by an insomniac caffeine junkie*, but as long as the blogging me is spectacular, it's OK.
I came to this conclusion while reading opera blogs. To backtrack: I've recently been taking advantage of the Met Opera Live HD festival, where operas are broadcast on movie-theater screens in Lincoln Center. Because I have a tendency to obsess,** I've also spent the past week writing opera articles, watching opera youtube videos, and reading opera blogs.
Two of these blogs really struck me as inspirational: That of Joyce Didonato, and of "Little Miss Bossy". As I read them, I realized that part of the reason they were inspirational, is that they were aspirational: These blogs dealt with their authors goals and challenges - they were as much about the selves that the bloggers want to be, as they are about the selves that the bloggers currently are.***
It occurred to me that maybe my blog could be something similiar: A log of the challenges I face, how I want to grow, who I want to be. The Jewish New Year is approaching: a time to face one's past, and to hope for one's future - a time to focus on the self you aspire to be. (For the sake of full disclosure: That self probably would not engage in a threesome with the members of "Lonely Island".)
It is true that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life: I am passionate about writing, human rights, and Jewish studies, but I have yet to find a way to combine the three. I do know, however, a lot about the type of person I want to be: the type of person who awakens every morning with a smile, the type of person that even a five-minute interaction with her can brighten your day.
There is a great phrase in the eshet chayil prayer, that a husband traditionally sings for his wife on Friday nights****: "Her mouth opens with wisdom; a Torah of kindness is on her tongue". I too, want to use my voice for wisdom and for kindness. I think I'm still figuring out how to do that, and I guess that's ok: Maybe life is more about what we're aspiring to than where we are - as long as we keep moving towards the goal, no matter how slowly, no matter how many cups of coffee it takes.
I like mine black, with sugar, served out in little tea-cups.
* I refuse to acknowledge that these two facts are related. Insomnia is just what jealous people call those who have the ability to make love the whole night without getting tired.
** And to cite myself, apparently. I feel so meta!
*** Insert cliche about "growing" and how "it's all about the process". Add the word journey.
**** Yeah, that's right: A religiously mandated weekly serenade.
