Today something horrifying happened: I was working on a paper, and throughout, I kept muttering "Why is this my life?". Of course, I was working on a low-stakes paper for a class I hated, out of loyalty to my parents' money, since they had paid for the course. Now, this loyalty may not be misplaced, but, I wondered: How can I allow myself to be in a situation where this ugly phrase is what I keep muttering to myself? I can't. That is not the type of life I want to live, or the type of person I want to be.
So I took a shower, and now I'm sitting here listening to music and typing this post.* I am asking myself: What would my ideal life, for the next year or two look like, leaving aside thoughts of future consequences? The answer is simple: I would study at Drisha, being part of the arts fellowship,** while also taking part-time classes for Columbia University's MA in Human Rights. I would spend every single vacation - even if it was a one-week vacation - in Israel. I would have subscription tickets to the opera, and live in a studio on the Upper West Side.
So why am I not pursuing that option? Answer: It is too expensive to split my time between Israel and NY, so I chose Israel. Furthermore, living in Israel is my ideal - it just so happens that Drisha and Columbia are two institutions that I would be willing to delay that ideal for, if it were feasible to still spend substantial amounts of time in Israel while doing so. I do not regret my decision to make aliyah in October, but I am scared: Not scared of being in Israel, but scared that within the wide variety of options that "life in Israel" encompasses, I might take a path that will leave me un-fulfilled, that will not empower me to contribute to the world as I wish to.
There are also two truths I have realized: 1. I am open to the idea of returning at the US for some point for Drisha/Columbia or some equally worthy opportunity. 2. I am willing to live in the US for love.*** To a certain extent, these realizations alleviate my fear, and I hope that the phrase I muttered to myself this morning is largely a consequence of the life I currently lead: a life in limbo, as I wait to get on a plane, a life without routine, a life in my parents house (as loving as they are) - in other words, a consequence of temporary situations in my life that will change once I get to Israel.
But I still think today's exercise was helpful: Now I have to look at the ideal next-two-years I just envisioned, to isolate elements of that ideal that I can incorporate into my current NY life and (God willing) into my future Israel life.
* A note on this blog: It is largely a way for me to work through my personal challenges, so it might focus on my less-flattering aspects. I tend to assume if you don't know me well, you probably won't be interested enough to read this, so hopefully that doesn't matter. If you wonder why I'm putting this online, 2 reasons: 1. It's nice to write for an audience, even if I suspect that audience might be just a handful of people 2. The same way we can learn from our own mistakes, we can also learn from the mistakes of others so hopefully, you can learn something from my blog - but, to quote Tzeitel immitating Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof, "Don't ask me what!".
** Self-advertisement: I also have a creative writing blog.
*** The second is the more shocking, because I've spent a long time refusing to date in the US lest I fall in love with someone who doesn't move to Israel. Also: I'm a cynical feminist who doesn't like to admit that I actually believe in romance.
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