I feel like I blog about self-acceptance way too often, but for me, a healthy sense of self-acceptance - the type that propels you to be a kinder, more giving person - is something I am very much striving to work on.
I recently moved to Jerusalem. I read pirkey avot on the plane. In chaper 1, mishnah 7, Natay Harabeli says, "Do not experience despair concerning a negative judgment/bad things". I read a commentary* that says the meaning of this statement, is that one should not despair on oneself, thinking that one is beyond redemption, that one is worthy of negative judgement. The logic is that such despair becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you think you are beyond redemption, you have no more motivation to act good, thus, you become beyond redemption - even though, perhaps in Judaism there is no beyond redemption, for as we say to God in the "unetaneh tokef prayer, "As Your name is, so is Your glory: Hard to anger and easy to appease. You do not want the dead to die, rather, You want them to repent from their ways and live. Until his dying day You will wait for him, and if he repents, You will immediately receive him.".
Anyway, I was thinking that Natay Harabeli is essentially saying: Don't engage in irrational guilt about your actions, do not feel so guilty that you give up on yourself. This is essentially what cognitive psychology says, and it believes that letting go of i-guilt is essential to leading an emotionally healthy life, as well as to improving oneself, since i-guilt becomes that negative self-fulfilling prophecy: You give up on yourself, so you stop trying, and wind up becoming what you feared.
So how does this mini-dvar Torah tie into my personal life?
Well, first of all, I love how a rabbi living around 200 CE foreshadowed a modern psychological trend. There is a saying***, "Learn Torah and relearn it, for everything is contained within it." I truly believe that, and this is an example of it.**
Second of all, I have been pondering my mini-dvar this morning: I meant to go grocery shopping, but I have been feeling extremely ill since Sunday night (i.e., since before I got on the plane) and travel in general does not agree with me. So I have not yet decided if I will go. I might allow myself some relaxation time and see how I feel, or I might push myself.
Either way though, I have decided to let myself be ok with what I do. I have to go pick up an I.D. card today from the Israeli government, but I do not HAVE to go grocery shopping. I SHOULD go grocery shopping. I've decided for the moment, to let myself take it easy, to give myself more leeway, as I adjust to a new living-place, and all the responsobilities entailed in settling in. In other words: I am deciding not to despair, and following Natay Harabeli's advice.
I am also following an example from one of the blogs I like to read (hey, poets read poetry, bloggers read...blogs), where one of the authors, Ayo, mentions the benefits of cutting oneself "some slack while adjusting to a new life". I really think this is important - and I think the world would be a lot better off if we cut ourselves (and others) some slack.
* I think this is in the artscroll pirkey avot but am unsure.
** This was said by ben Bag-Bag, in pirkey avot. Can we all marvel at the name Bag-Bag?
*** There is also lots of poetry in Tanach, as well as in prayers. For example, the continuation of the unetane tokef prayer reads: "Man, his basis (yesodo) is dust, and his end (sofo) is dust. By his soul (nafsho) he brings his bread (lachmo). He is compared to the broken shard, to the dry yard, to the fading blossom, to the passing shadow, to the light cloud, to the wind, to the dust, to the flying dream. But You are the King, Who Live sand Endures Forever."
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Mistakes and Forgiveness
Last night, I made a mistake: I met a lovely woman while waiting for the train. When the train came, it was too crowded for us to sit together, so I sat a row ahead, but did not try to continue my conversation with the woman, figuring that she wanted some peace and quiet during the ride, and not wanting to be nosy. At the end of the ride, as we waited for the train doors to slide open, she said, "I wish we had gotten the chance to know each other better". I had a realization: I should have continued the conversation, because I wanted to do so. If she did not want to get me know better, she could have told me, or implied it by giving one-word answers to my questions. I would have then stopped, no harm done to either of us. By prioritizing her hypothetical inconvenience over my curiosity, I did us both a disfavor.
I decided to forgive myself for this mistake, because we are all human, and in general, I do think (or at least hope) I am a friendly person who pursues connection with others. Sometimes, when I need help forgiving myself, I imagine I am writing to an advice columnist, or that I am a friend, turning to myself for advice. I then imagine the answer I would expect the advice columnist to give, or the answer I would give to a friend who had done what I just did. Most of the time, that answer is much more forgiving than the one I would have given myself before the imaginative exercise.
Then, this morning, I made another mistake: I woke up later than I intended, full of guilt, not in the mood to go out, with no concrete plans. Instead of reassuring myself that I do generally go out and do things, even on days when I have no plans, recognizing my desire not to get dressed, and planning one or two low-intensity at home activities, I allowed my guilt to control my day, which of course made me waste my day even more than I would have otherwise. Furthermore, perhaps after one or two low-intensity at home activities, I would have been in a better mood and actually wanted to go out.
We are taught to be considerate and responsible. But what if our needs conflict with responsibility? I think sometimes recognizing our needs, acknowledging that conflict, and looking for a way to resolve it, is, ironically, essential to living not only a happy life, but a responsible one as well, since eventually, not meeting your needs will wear you out to the point where it is extremely difficult for you to be responsible. I understand this is not always possible. If your "need" is to never work, then you probably won't be able to meet it. But I think most of us are born with a desire to be productive, kind, and creative - it's just that society defines success and responsibility in a very different way, one that often does not recognize those universal human needs.
Today is Hoshana Rabbah, the sort of "appeals day" for those who did not like the judgement pronounced on them on Yom Kippur, and are seeking a new decision from the heavenly Supreme Court. My personal religious belief is that if you do a good deed tommorrow, God will reward you and might change your fate, so it's never too late. I also believe that God is merciful and wants everyone to be happy, and this desire of God's influences our fates much more than our own deeds, even though it does not absolve us of the responsibility to try hard. But of course, the thought that I slept late on my "trial day" and did not make a "court appearance" in synagogue, did bother me - until I thought about my Yom Kippur resolutions.
Most other years, I have thought about how I can be better to others - and I still think about that. How can I be a better friend, when I am blessed with the most incredible group of friends that ever walked this earth? How can I give back to them? What can I dod about genocide in Darfur, and how responsible am I for the massacres in Syria? How can I contribute to the local community in the place I am living - whether it is Sao Paulo, New York or Jerusalem?
But this year, my focus was on how I can be better to myself - not because I do not value the above questions, but because I think that being to myself is a large part of answering them. I also looked for small, measurable goals: I realized, for example, that my sleeping habits are a "key behavior". The amount of sleep I get and what time I wake up influence what I do while I'm awake, not just how much I get done, but also how I do it. For that reason, after the holiday season, I hope to keep a sleep diary, which, in addition to allowing me to examine and hopefully change my habits, will also improve them by making me feel I am accountable for them. (It is proved that keeping logs or diaries helps people feel more accountable, thus positively influencing behavior.)This is a measurable, accomplishable goal under the grander goal of "better time management/increased productivity".
I also noticed there was one major relationship whose dynamics were negatively impacting my life, so I am trying to figure out one or two concrete steps I can take within that relationship that will hopefully have a "domino" effect on the whole. (I can't go into more details, in order to protect the privacy of the people around me. I will go on the record however, in saying that the relationship I mention is not a romantic relationship.)
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what really plagued me was that it felt selfish, to have most of my Yom Kippur resolutions focus on me, even though the famed Rav Yisrael Salanter is known to have said, that he wanted to change the world, but he realized that the best way to do that was to change himself, as opposed to changing others. More than anything today, I want to ask God for forgiveness not for the things I have done (though yes, I have done many things I regret), but for what I have not done: For all the opportunities squandered or moments wasted, when in fact, each moment and every opportunity is a Divine gift.
But I also realize that in asking for God's forgiveness, I must also learn how to forgive myself. In cognitive psychology, there is the concept of "irrational guilt", which is known to prevent self-improvement by so overwhelming a person that they feel unable to change, and this feeling becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can sometimes be hard to distinguish between "i-guilt" and legitimate guilt - a genuine regrettal of things we have done that are wrong. My main criteria is: "Does this feeling of guilt help move me a step away from the person I wish to become, or does it move me a step away?". Generally, the i-guilt will move me a step away, because it makes me feel to disempowered to change my action, whereas productive guilt will identify a concrete, changeable action/behavior pattern, and look for a method of change.
So today, in addition to asking God for forgivness, I also ask God for help: help in letting go of my i-guilt, and using the genuine regret I have to effect positive change. I ask for help in implementing my "selfish" resolutions, asking God for Her help, recognizing that my resolutions can only succeed with God's help - and I ask help for using the strengthening of myself, in order to give more to others and to both the local and global communities around me.
Footnote: I did read Oprah magazine today, which was part of the inspiration behind deciding to write this post. Also, the concept of i-guilt, I first dicovered in a book by Dr. Albert Ellis, and the concept of "key behaviors", comes from the book "The Power of Habit", by Charles Duhigg.
I decided to forgive myself for this mistake, because we are all human, and in general, I do think (or at least hope) I am a friendly person who pursues connection with others. Sometimes, when I need help forgiving myself, I imagine I am writing to an advice columnist, or that I am a friend, turning to myself for advice. I then imagine the answer I would expect the advice columnist to give, or the answer I would give to a friend who had done what I just did. Most of the time, that answer is much more forgiving than the one I would have given myself before the imaginative exercise.
Then, this morning, I made another mistake: I woke up later than I intended, full of guilt, not in the mood to go out, with no concrete plans. Instead of reassuring myself that I do generally go out and do things, even on days when I have no plans, recognizing my desire not to get dressed, and planning one or two low-intensity at home activities, I allowed my guilt to control my day, which of course made me waste my day even more than I would have otherwise. Furthermore, perhaps after one or two low-intensity at home activities, I would have been in a better mood and actually wanted to go out.
We are taught to be considerate and responsible. But what if our needs conflict with responsibility? I think sometimes recognizing our needs, acknowledging that conflict, and looking for a way to resolve it, is, ironically, essential to living not only a happy life, but a responsible one as well, since eventually, not meeting your needs will wear you out to the point where it is extremely difficult for you to be responsible. I understand this is not always possible. If your "need" is to never work, then you probably won't be able to meet it. But I think most of us are born with a desire to be productive, kind, and creative - it's just that society defines success and responsibility in a very different way, one that often does not recognize those universal human needs.
Today is Hoshana Rabbah, the sort of "appeals day" for those who did not like the judgement pronounced on them on Yom Kippur, and are seeking a new decision from the heavenly Supreme Court. My personal religious belief is that if you do a good deed tommorrow, God will reward you and might change your fate, so it's never too late. I also believe that God is merciful and wants everyone to be happy, and this desire of God's influences our fates much more than our own deeds, even though it does not absolve us of the responsibility to try hard. But of course, the thought that I slept late on my "trial day" and did not make a "court appearance" in synagogue, did bother me - until I thought about my Yom Kippur resolutions.
Most other years, I have thought about how I can be better to others - and I still think about that. How can I be a better friend, when I am blessed with the most incredible group of friends that ever walked this earth? How can I give back to them? What can I dod about genocide in Darfur, and how responsible am I for the massacres in Syria? How can I contribute to the local community in the place I am living - whether it is Sao Paulo, New York or Jerusalem?
But this year, my focus was on how I can be better to myself - not because I do not value the above questions, but because I think that being to myself is a large part of answering them. I also looked for small, measurable goals: I realized, for example, that my sleeping habits are a "key behavior". The amount of sleep I get and what time I wake up influence what I do while I'm awake, not just how much I get done, but also how I do it. For that reason, after the holiday season, I hope to keep a sleep diary, which, in addition to allowing me to examine and hopefully change my habits, will also improve them by making me feel I am accountable for them. (It is proved that keeping logs or diaries helps people feel more accountable, thus positively influencing behavior.)This is a measurable, accomplishable goal under the grander goal of "better time management/increased productivity".
I also noticed there was one major relationship whose dynamics were negatively impacting my life, so I am trying to figure out one or two concrete steps I can take within that relationship that will hopefully have a "domino" effect on the whole. (I can't go into more details, in order to protect the privacy of the people around me. I will go on the record however, in saying that the relationship I mention is not a romantic relationship.)
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what really plagued me was that it felt selfish, to have most of my Yom Kippur resolutions focus on me, even though the famed Rav Yisrael Salanter is known to have said, that he wanted to change the world, but he realized that the best way to do that was to change himself, as opposed to changing others. More than anything today, I want to ask God for forgiveness not for the things I have done (though yes, I have done many things I regret), but for what I have not done: For all the opportunities squandered or moments wasted, when in fact, each moment and every opportunity is a Divine gift.
But I also realize that in asking for God's forgiveness, I must also learn how to forgive myself. In cognitive psychology, there is the concept of "irrational guilt", which is known to prevent self-improvement by so overwhelming a person that they feel unable to change, and this feeling becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can sometimes be hard to distinguish between "i-guilt" and legitimate guilt - a genuine regrettal of things we have done that are wrong. My main criteria is: "Does this feeling of guilt help move me a step away from the person I wish to become, or does it move me a step away?". Generally, the i-guilt will move me a step away, because it makes me feel to disempowered to change my action, whereas productive guilt will identify a concrete, changeable action/behavior pattern, and look for a method of change.
So today, in addition to asking God for forgivness, I also ask God for help: help in letting go of my i-guilt, and using the genuine regret I have to effect positive change. I ask for help in implementing my "selfish" resolutions, asking God for Her help, recognizing that my resolutions can only succeed with God's help - and I ask help for using the strengthening of myself, in order to give more to others and to both the local and global communities around me.
Footnote: I did read Oprah magazine today, which was part of the inspiration behind deciding to write this post. Also, the concept of i-guilt, I first dicovered in a book by Dr. Albert Ellis, and the concept of "key behaviors", comes from the book "The Power of Habit", by Charles Duhigg.
3: Some (Thoughts)
Moving means buying things you will need, which means shopping: I hate shopping. I understand that this makes me a bad woman, that it is proof I am in fact a robot, disguised as a female, in a secret mission to take over the earth. But if anyone wants to buy shoes for me, and clothes for me, and just generally turn me into their own personal Barbie doll, it would be very much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Used to Being Objectified
*****************************************************************************
I want to create super-hero called "Honest Man", who saves the day by saying awkwardly honest truths at the right moment.
*******************************************************************************
All good things come in threes - or at least, that's what the couple at the bar told me last night when they bought me champagne.
Sincerely,
Used to Being Objectified
*****************************************************************************
I want to create super-hero called "Honest Man", who saves the day by saying awkwardly honest truths at the right moment.
*******************************************************************************
All good things come in threes - or at least, that's what the couple at the bar told me last night when they bought me champagne.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Closing Tabs
Today I was writing: I had two tabs open -Facebook, and the tab I was writing in. Red alerts repeatedly appeared on top of the blue Facebook banner, so I was distracted by that tab without actually clicking on it and visiting the Facebook page.
Suddenly I had an epiphany: I could close the tab. So I did.
I think sometimes in life, we get distracted by things, and the solution can be as small and easy as closing a tab - and thus, as hard to see, even if it's been there the whole time. This might involve ignoring non-essential yet unpleasing information, limiting contact with certain people, or only focusing on the positive in a certain situation. For example, if my glasses broke, I can focus on the humor and on how lucky I am to have glasses. The "this is so annoying" tab exists, but I am choosing to close it. The trick is to actually remember to do that when you're on your knees searching for a piece of expensive, doctor-prescribed glass.
Suddenly I had an epiphany: I could close the tab. So I did.
I think sometimes in life, we get distracted by things, and the solution can be as small and easy as closing a tab - and thus, as hard to see, even if it's been there the whole time. This might involve ignoring non-essential yet unpleasing information, limiting contact with certain people, or only focusing on the positive in a certain situation. For example, if my glasses broke, I can focus on the humor and on how lucky I am to have glasses. The "this is so annoying" tab exists, but I am choosing to close it. The trick is to actually remember to do that when you're on your knees searching for a piece of expensive, doctor-prescribed glass.
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