Mistakes

Cognitively, it's very easy to know that part of being human is making mistakes. Emotionally accepting that, however, is much harder. Cue the self-anger, one of the biggest stumbling blocks to fixing our mistakes.*

Since making aliyah, I feel like my life has been fuller of mistakes than usual, and it's very frustrating - and as the months go on, this state, of mistakedom, stops feeling so temporary - and that frightens me. I do think I've improved: Who I am now is closer to who I want to be than it was even a month ago - but I still have such a long way to go, and it really all boils down to one thing: Time management.

I have had trouble sticking to set schedule, in part because my classes are boring, and big: The professor doesn't know who you are, and attendance isn't mandatory, so I feel very little motivation to show up. I have a ton of beurocratic errands, but Israeli beaurocratic hours means if you don't go in the morning, there's no point: cue my malfunctioning cellphone alarm clock and my insomnia.

But the problem is bigger than that: For the first time in my life, I am doing something I really, really, really don't enjoy - and something I can't explain why I'm doing, other than that it is a "good career", which isn't really a good excuse - or at least, not a good enough excuse.

And for the first time in my life, I've begun to have serious doubts about myself and my choices. I've worked really hard to become a confident person, and I'm afraid of losing that - and I know, from experience, that the best way to succeed is to walk into a situation assuming that you will, because self-fulfilling prophecies can work both ways.

But knowing this all, cognitively, does not keep me from feeling pain - or from using this blog as free therapy. I could write more, but there are some things I don't want to put on the internet - weird how that works, isn't it - the whole "not wanting to broadcast every facet of my life" thing?

I don't really have a closing paragraph -I wound up looking out the window and going on Facebook instead of continuing to write - which really just underscores my point.

* Natay Harabeli. Look it up. I'm sick of quoting him in every blogpost. He will get really lucky if he and I are still single during תחיית המתים. Is it sacriligeous to fantasize about a threesome with Natay and Frida Kahlo? (Jeremiah I want all to myself, all night long. Oh my goodness - this is why the rabbis said that teaching women Torah is teaching them טפלוט - there are so many male characters in the religious texts for women to fantasize about - they were jealous. Also, the reason they allowed lesbianism as being merely נשים מסוללות was because of their own threesom fetish.)