I've been buying croissants and coffee recently, and it's made me a much happier person, though its made my bank account a sad panda - let me know if you want to adopt it :)
I was sitting on my Jlem porch, eating a croissant, drinking coffee, feeling so blessed by God: Then suddenly a huge bumbelby appeared and I scuttled inside, awed by the power of this tiny creature to send humans running. מה רבו מעשיך ה
I took a Cosmo quizz while drinking coffee. It told me I got number 4 "wrong". How do you get a question wrong on a personality quizz? I thought the whole point of women's magazine quizzes was to boost your ego, while also showing you pictures of stick-skinny models and urging you to become anorexic.
One question in the quizz was how you would react if you were intimate with a guy and noticed he had a hairy back - it bothered me that this question presumes that hairy backs on guys are un-sexy. This question is just one small example of how men are also opressed by the patriarchy - because let's face it, it doesn't get much more patriarchal than Cosmo magazine.
I don't feel like rushing off to a job I won't be paid to do - who knew it would take an internship to unleash my inner capitalist? What would Frida Kahlo say of my new-found proclivities?
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Mistakes
Cognitively, it's very easy to know that part of being human is making mistakes. Emotionally accepting that, however, is much harder. Cue the self-anger, one of the biggest stumbling blocks to fixing our mistakes.*
Since making aliyah, I feel like my life has been fuller of mistakes than usual, and it's very frustrating - and as the months go on, this state, of mistakedom, stops feeling so temporary - and that frightens me. I do think I've improved: Who I am now is closer to who I want to be than it was even a month ago - but I still have such a long way to go, and it really all boils down to one thing: Time management.
I have had trouble sticking to set schedule, in part because my classes are boring, and big: The professor doesn't know who you are, and attendance isn't mandatory, so I feel very little motivation to show up. I have a ton of beurocratic errands, but Israeli beaurocratic hours means if you don't go in the morning, there's no point: cue my malfunctioning cellphone alarm clock and my insomnia.
But the problem is bigger than that: For the first time in my life, I am doing something I really, really, really don't enjoy - and something I can't explain why I'm doing, other than that it is a "good career", which isn't really a good excuse - or at least, not a good enough excuse.
And for the first time in my life, I've begun to have serious doubts about myself and my choices. I've worked really hard to become a confident person, and I'm afraid of losing that - and I know, from experience, that the best way to succeed is to walk into a situation assuming that you will, because self-fulfilling prophecies can work both ways.
But knowing this all, cognitively, does not keep me from feeling pain - or from using this blog as free therapy. I could write more, but there are some things I don't want to put on the internet - weird how that works, isn't it - the whole "not wanting to broadcast every facet of my life" thing?
I don't really have a closing paragraph -I wound up looking out the window and going on Facebook instead of continuing to write - which really just underscores my point.
* Natay Harabeli. Look it up. I'm sick of quoting him in every blogpost. He will get really lucky if he and I are still single during תחיית המתים. Is it sacriligeous to fantasize about a threesome with Natay and Frida Kahlo? (Jeremiah I want all to myself, all night long. Oh my goodness - this is why the rabbis said that teaching women Torah is teaching them טפלוט - there are so many male characters in the religious texts for women to fantasize about - they were jealous. Also, the reason they allowed lesbianism as being merely נשים מסוללות was because of their own threesom fetish.)
Since making aliyah, I feel like my life has been fuller of mistakes than usual, and it's very frustrating - and as the months go on, this state, of mistakedom, stops feeling so temporary - and that frightens me. I do think I've improved: Who I am now is closer to who I want to be than it was even a month ago - but I still have such a long way to go, and it really all boils down to one thing: Time management.
I have had trouble sticking to set schedule, in part because my classes are boring, and big: The professor doesn't know who you are, and attendance isn't mandatory, so I feel very little motivation to show up. I have a ton of beurocratic errands, but Israeli beaurocratic hours means if you don't go in the morning, there's no point: cue my malfunctioning cellphone alarm clock and my insomnia.
But the problem is bigger than that: For the first time in my life, I am doing something I really, really, really don't enjoy - and something I can't explain why I'm doing, other than that it is a "good career", which isn't really a good excuse - or at least, not a good enough excuse.
And for the first time in my life, I've begun to have serious doubts about myself and my choices. I've worked really hard to become a confident person, and I'm afraid of losing that - and I know, from experience, that the best way to succeed is to walk into a situation assuming that you will, because self-fulfilling prophecies can work both ways.
But knowing this all, cognitively, does not keep me from feeling pain - or from using this blog as free therapy. I could write more, but there are some things I don't want to put on the internet - weird how that works, isn't it - the whole "not wanting to broadcast every facet of my life" thing?
I don't really have a closing paragraph -I wound up looking out the window and going on Facebook instead of continuing to write - which really just underscores my point.
* Natay Harabeli. Look it up. I'm sick of quoting him in every blogpost. He will get really lucky if he and I are still single during תחיית המתים. Is it sacriligeous to fantasize about a threesome with Natay and Frida Kahlo? (Jeremiah I want all to myself, all night long. Oh my goodness - this is why the rabbis said that teaching women Torah is teaching them טפלוט - there are so many male characters in the religious texts for women to fantasize about - they were jealous. Also, the reason they allowed lesbianism as being merely נשים מסוללות was because of their own threesom fetish.)
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Grattitude and Trust
First of all, I have to thank God for this moment: I am sitting here, in Jerusalem, with a laptop and a cup of coffee, in a warm room, with groceries in the kitchen. What a blessing to be in Jerusalem, after 2,000 years of exile, to have a warm room to go to, to have groceries, to know how to cook said groceries. (Gratitude for that also goes to my mother.)
On my walk home, I was thinking about revealing verse withholding, something I struggle with a lot in terms of blogging/writing, and in my daily life.
Now for the non-sequiter: It occured to me as I was putting away my groceries, that trust in oneself and trust in God are related. A large source of not trusting ourselves, is that we doubt the outcome of our actions. If we accept that the outcome is out of our control, but in God's hands, and focus on our actions, self-trust becomes a lot easier: Because I can count on myself to put in my best effort, when I stop focusing on what results those efforts might bring. Perhaps part of trusting yourself, is focusing on the things you actually can trust yourself about - that is, your efforts - and not focusing on what you can't trust yourself about - the outcome.
This reminds me of the approach of Rabbi Abraham Twerski, that Torah can serve as a tool for psychological health, and that in fact, one must be psychologically healthy in order to properly fulfill the mitzvot, especially the interpersonal ones. The laws against gossip, for example, rely upon one's being confident enough to not need to inflate themselves by slandering others.
I don't really have a conclusion, other than to say: I'm sorry if this sounds mussar-y. If it does, its because I am giving mussar to myself, writing down thoughts so I will remember them, and hopefully internalize them.
Have a great day :)
On my walk home, I was thinking about revealing verse withholding, something I struggle with a lot in terms of blogging/writing, and in my daily life.
Now for the non-sequiter: It occured to me as I was putting away my groceries, that trust in oneself and trust in God are related. A large source of not trusting ourselves, is that we doubt the outcome of our actions. If we accept that the outcome is out of our control, but in God's hands, and focus on our actions, self-trust becomes a lot easier: Because I can count on myself to put in my best effort, when I stop focusing on what results those efforts might bring. Perhaps part of trusting yourself, is focusing on the things you actually can trust yourself about - that is, your efforts - and not focusing on what you can't trust yourself about - the outcome.
This reminds me of the approach of Rabbi Abraham Twerski, that Torah can serve as a tool for psychological health, and that in fact, one must be psychologically healthy in order to properly fulfill the mitzvot, especially the interpersonal ones. The laws against gossip, for example, rely upon one's being confident enough to not need to inflate themselves by slandering others.
I don't really have a conclusion, other than to say: I'm sorry if this sounds mussar-y. If it does, its because I am giving mussar to myself, writing down thoughts so I will remember them, and hopefully internalize them.
Have a great day :)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Weight
I honestly believe that if we listen to what our bodies want, we maintain a healthy weight. Recently, I've been struggling with that, because what my body wants is food that requires time, money or both - and I've really been trying to save both.
The result? Noshing on un-filling food, being unsatisfied from the noshing, so eating more...basically, massive weight gain, with lots of money spent and little satisfaction.
Today, I ran out of food: There was frozen pita, but no cheese or hummus. So I bought one slice of pizza. Afterwards, I longed for more, but told myself firmly that I was "full enough", and it wasn't worth spending money on a second slice, or on groceries at the makolet, when I will be doing a cheaper pre-shabbat grocery session this morning. I also told myself that I wanted to save calories by not eating a second slice.
Guess what? Its 3 am, I'm up, too hungry to fall asleep (because apparently, 1 piece of pita + 1 slice of pizza + cookies, is not satisfying if its all you've eaten all day, especially if you've also cut down on coffee, which is the best food substitute), and I fall back on the one thing left in the house: cookies - which don't quench my hunger, since my body is craving nutrients, but do have a very high caloric content.
If I had listened to my body, and not been cheap with myself, spending the extra ten shekels for some chummus into which I could dip defrosted pita, and acknowledging that I might get hungry later, and that its ok to be hungry, I would be eating something healthy right now.
I think this is a metaphor for life (wow. that sounds so corny): Sometimes, listening to ourselves and accepting our needs, even when we don't like them, is the first step to self-improvement - or even to overcoming those very needs that we are accepting.
I also think a lot of this comes back to guilt: Yes, I've spent more than I should this month - but feeling guilty about the amount I've spent in the past, does not necessitate feeling guilty about spending money on food in the present - a perfectly legitimate need. My yetzer harah latched onto the legitimate money-guilt, and expanded it, in order to turn it into a force for my doing things that are unhealthy for me. Rashi says that a good lie has a grain of truth to it, and the same can often be said of unhealthy guilt - it is merely an enlargement stemming from a seed of legitimate guilt, and it can be hard to separate the legitimate from the illegitimate. Usually, the best measure is where guilt will lead you: If it leads you to apologize to someone, or improve on yourself, its probably legitimate. If it leads you to unhealthy behavior, or paralyzes you so you can't act - it's probably illegitimate.
I am going to end by quoting one of my favorite parts of Pirkey Avot (1:7) : "Natay Harabeli says: Do not be a wicked person in your own eyes, and do not give up because of the פורענות" (punishment? It's hard to find a good translation. I am not going to waste time feeling guilty about that.)
The result? Noshing on un-filling food, being unsatisfied from the noshing, so eating more...basically, massive weight gain, with lots of money spent and little satisfaction.
Today, I ran out of food: There was frozen pita, but no cheese or hummus. So I bought one slice of pizza. Afterwards, I longed for more, but told myself firmly that I was "full enough", and it wasn't worth spending money on a second slice, or on groceries at the makolet, when I will be doing a cheaper pre-shabbat grocery session this morning. I also told myself that I wanted to save calories by not eating a second slice.
Guess what? Its 3 am, I'm up, too hungry to fall asleep (because apparently, 1 piece of pita + 1 slice of pizza + cookies, is not satisfying if its all you've eaten all day, especially if you've also cut down on coffee, which is the best food substitute), and I fall back on the one thing left in the house: cookies - which don't quench my hunger, since my body is craving nutrients, but do have a very high caloric content.
If I had listened to my body, and not been cheap with myself, spending the extra ten shekels for some chummus into which I could dip defrosted pita, and acknowledging that I might get hungry later, and that its ok to be hungry, I would be eating something healthy right now.
I think this is a metaphor for life (wow. that sounds so corny): Sometimes, listening to ourselves and accepting our needs, even when we don't like them, is the first step to self-improvement - or even to overcoming those very needs that we are accepting.
I also think a lot of this comes back to guilt: Yes, I've spent more than I should this month - but feeling guilty about the amount I've spent in the past, does not necessitate feeling guilty about spending money on food in the present - a perfectly legitimate need. My yetzer harah latched onto the legitimate money-guilt, and expanded it, in order to turn it into a force for my doing things that are unhealthy for me. Rashi says that a good lie has a grain of truth to it, and the same can often be said of unhealthy guilt - it is merely an enlargement stemming from a seed of legitimate guilt, and it can be hard to separate the legitimate from the illegitimate. Usually, the best measure is where guilt will lead you: If it leads you to apologize to someone, or improve on yourself, its probably legitimate. If it leads you to unhealthy behavior, or paralyzes you so you can't act - it's probably illegitimate.
I am going to end by quoting one of my favorite parts of Pirkey Avot (1:7) : "Natay Harabeli says: Do not be a wicked person in your own eyes, and do not give up because of the פורענות" (punishment? It's hard to find a good translation. I am not going to waste time feeling guilty about that.)
3 Times is a Chazaka
So first of all, a friend shared this chart with me - a reminder that the "wrong path" might be a necessary step to finding the right one.
Also, a short note on optimal me vs ideal me: The "ideal me" is essentially the perfect version of ourselves - the one who never presses "snooze" when the alarm goes off, who comes home after a long day with a hug and tons of energy, and never snaps at someone she cares about - essentially, the vision of ourselves that we must always strive for, yet remains unattainable.*
The optimal self, however, is the best version of ourselves that we can be, given the imperfections of human nature, and the realities of the universe. Our goal in life is to constantly bring our optimal selves closer to our ideal selves- striving for the unattainable.
I view Judaism as a mission to constantly strive for the unattainable: On the one hand, God is constantly close to us, because He yearns for man, and wants us to be close to Him. On the other, we can never be truly close to God, because He is so infinite. Seeking closeness with the Infinite an act of love, because it is an act of impossibility, one that both is encoded in nature, since the time we were given a tzelem Elokim upon creation, yet that also strains against the limits of nature - much as love is encoded within us (as biological beings, our goal is to mate and reproduce) yet also strains against the limits of nature, by asking us to come to a place of intense feeling, or kindness, that is perhaps unnatural. I find it very hard to verbalize these abstract concepts, and find defining love in general to be difficult, unless one wants to define it through actions - which is essentially how we define our relationship with God.
I view this paradox of striving for that which we can not attain to also be behind Yeshayahu Leibowitz's statement המשיח לעולם יבא
Also, a short note on optimal me vs ideal me: The "ideal me" is essentially the perfect version of ourselves - the one who never presses "snooze" when the alarm goes off, who comes home after a long day with a hug and tons of energy, and never snaps at someone she cares about - essentially, the vision of ourselves that we must always strive for, yet remains unattainable.*
The optimal self, however, is the best version of ourselves that we can be, given the imperfections of human nature, and the realities of the universe. Our goal in life is to constantly bring our optimal selves closer to our ideal selves- striving for the unattainable.
I view Judaism as a mission to constantly strive for the unattainable: On the one hand, God is constantly close to us, because He yearns for man, and wants us to be close to Him. On the other, we can never be truly close to God, because He is so infinite. Seeking closeness with the Infinite an act of love, because it is an act of impossibility, one that both is encoded in nature, since the time we were given a tzelem Elokim upon creation, yet that also strains against the limits of nature - much as love is encoded within us (as biological beings, our goal is to mate and reproduce) yet also strains against the limits of nature, by asking us to come to a place of intense feeling, or kindness, that is perhaps unnatural. I find it very hard to verbalize these abstract concepts, and find defining love in general to be difficult, unless one wants to define it through actions - which is essentially how we define our relationship with God.
I view this paradox of striving for that which we can not attain to also be behind Yeshayahu Leibowitz's statement המשיח לעולם יבא
I'm Facebook Chatting with a friend as I write this, please forgive inconsistencies
"Whatever I'm meant to be doing, it's not this". I wrote that on Facebook a few minutes ago, and until I did, I had no idea how true it was. My mother says (citing the rabbis) you know a person through how they drink, how they deal with money, and how they act when they are angry. I think, in a certain sense, I know myself through my writing. (Does this mean I'm having a "Borges y yo" moment? I feel so cool!)
This week, I sent a few emails that were "not me". By not me, I don't mean they were un-me, but rather, that they were not the optimal me - and when I am not me in my writing, that's always a sign that there's something larger going on. Instead of studying, I've been re-reading a lot of my blog posts. This is partially because I'm an ego-maniac, but its also because I've been trying to look at my process of growth, places I've gone wrong, where I wanted to end up and where I am - a place which is, of course, a new beginning is so many ways, and every beginning is a gift from God, so I must be grateful.
In many places, I'm not where I wanted to be. In some ways that is good, in some it is not. But these past few months, for the first time in my life, I've really felt like I'm on the wrong path. Don't get me wrong: There have been times before when I've felt I'm not on the optimal path, or that I could be on a better one, but never (thank God) that I am on the WRONG path.
Until now, I've chalked this feeling up to the sheer amount of investment in schoolwork necessitated by my new surroundings - of course when you have nothing in your life but work, and you don't like the classes you're doing work for, it feels wrong! Just keep your eye on the goal, and carry on.
But what if I don't like the work because I'm on the wrong path? What if the fact that the goal does not fill me with excitement, an excitement that makes the work worthwhile, is proof that I'm on the wrong path?
I've worked hard at school before. I've never hated it this much. Maybe I was just lucky (i.e. blessed by God). But at the same time, there are so many things I could see myself doing with my life, most of which require a less difficult path - so why pursue the difficult one, if I'm not more passionate about it? Because it earns more money? Finances are an important consideration, but the thing I value most of all is my health - both physical and mental - and while both these things are in God's hands, I am not willing to sacrifice either one for my schoolwork, at this juncture in my life - at least, not for something I'm not truly passionate about.
For me, my education has always been about enriching myself as a person, about helping me become the person I want to be. I feel like recently my schoolwork has been about the opposite. I'm not looking for a dream career: I'm looking for something that pays the bills, while not having me bored out of my mind. Ideally, I'd even like intellectual stimulation and a feeling I'm somehow doing something to improve the world - but I also accept that intellectual stimulation and improving the world can come from things outside of one's career as well. I'm too young to settle for a career I don't like, so I'm aiming for the good career, as opposed to the "what I can live with" career - but I distinguish between the good career and the ideal career, because the ideal career simply might not exist in this universe.
One thing I know for sure: I'm not willing to be the person I've been for the past two weeks. Yes, hormones and various waxings and wanings of the moon might play a part in that person's character (this really makes me sound like a werewolf, doesn't it?), but at the end of the day, that's not who I am, and that's not who I'm going to let myself become - even if the price to pay is not doing well in exams. Because I'm not willing to become someone I don't like between now and February 20.
And even if I do well in exams, I am going to take time to reassess if this is the path I want to continue upon, because sometimes the truth does come out in writing, even if its via something as silly as Facebook statuses.
This week, I sent a few emails that were "not me". By not me, I don't mean they were un-me, but rather, that they were not the optimal me - and when I am not me in my writing, that's always a sign that there's something larger going on. Instead of studying, I've been re-reading a lot of my blog posts. This is partially because I'm an ego-maniac, but its also because I've been trying to look at my process of growth, places I've gone wrong, where I wanted to end up and where I am - a place which is, of course, a new beginning is so many ways, and every beginning is a gift from God, so I must be grateful.
In many places, I'm not where I wanted to be. In some ways that is good, in some it is not. But these past few months, for the first time in my life, I've really felt like I'm on the wrong path. Don't get me wrong: There have been times before when I've felt I'm not on the optimal path, or that I could be on a better one, but never (thank God) that I am on the WRONG path.
Until now, I've chalked this feeling up to the sheer amount of investment in schoolwork necessitated by my new surroundings - of course when you have nothing in your life but work, and you don't like the classes you're doing work for, it feels wrong! Just keep your eye on the goal, and carry on.
But what if I don't like the work because I'm on the wrong path? What if the fact that the goal does not fill me with excitement, an excitement that makes the work worthwhile, is proof that I'm on the wrong path?
I've worked hard at school before. I've never hated it this much. Maybe I was just lucky (i.e. blessed by God). But at the same time, there are so many things I could see myself doing with my life, most of which require a less difficult path - so why pursue the difficult one, if I'm not more passionate about it? Because it earns more money? Finances are an important consideration, but the thing I value most of all is my health - both physical and mental - and while both these things are in God's hands, I am not willing to sacrifice either one for my schoolwork, at this juncture in my life - at least, not for something I'm not truly passionate about.
For me, my education has always been about enriching myself as a person, about helping me become the person I want to be. I feel like recently my schoolwork has been about the opposite. I'm not looking for a dream career: I'm looking for something that pays the bills, while not having me bored out of my mind. Ideally, I'd even like intellectual stimulation and a feeling I'm somehow doing something to improve the world - but I also accept that intellectual stimulation and improving the world can come from things outside of one's career as well. I'm too young to settle for a career I don't like, so I'm aiming for the good career, as opposed to the "what I can live with" career - but I distinguish between the good career and the ideal career, because the ideal career simply might not exist in this universe.
One thing I know for sure: I'm not willing to be the person I've been for the past two weeks. Yes, hormones and various waxings and wanings of the moon might play a part in that person's character (this really makes me sound like a werewolf, doesn't it?), but at the end of the day, that's not who I am, and that's not who I'm going to let myself become - even if the price to pay is not doing well in exams. Because I'm not willing to become someone I don't like between now and February 20.
And even if I do well in exams, I am going to take time to reassess if this is the path I want to continue upon, because sometimes the truth does come out in writing, even if its via something as silly as Facebook statuses.
What I Write About What I Can Not Write About
Today I witnessed a heart-wrenching scene involving an elderly couple at a pharmacy - so heart-wrenching, I can not write about it. I wanted to dissapear - it felt like walking in on someone in the bathroom or seeing a couple have sex - my presence was violation of them, and in witnessing, I too, felt violated.
On the way home, I thought about Lot's life looking upon Sdom's destruction and being turned into a pillar of salt. It's impossible for us to understand precisely what went on, but presumably there was something akin to the walking-in-on-sex-or-the-bathroom situation, and instead of wanting to dissapear, Lot's wife strove to get closer.
It is paradoxical to think that listening and seeing, two senses which can be used as great acts of empathy and kindness, can also be used for cruelty - and indicative of the human state, for God has granted us freedom of choice, and essentially every human quality can be used for kindness or cruelty. The choice is ours.
Listening and seeing are also gateways: They are the way we let things into our mind, and I was wondering, in a strange way, if for women, sex is more akin to these actions, because it is letting someone in, whereas for men, it is more like speaking, because it is letting something out. That is not to say that women are passive - I actually consider listening and seeing to both be extremely active actions (how redundant of me) when done correctly.
Of course, this stray thought that fluttered in might be no more than a pretty butterfly, shiny and ungraspable, but I find the idea intriguing - and it leads into the concept of women as better listeners and as possesing a greater wisdom, and all those other things that as a feminist, I'm not supposed to write about.
When I got home, I started thinking about my grandparents, and how much I had loved them, and how, even with all the time I spent with them in various hospitals, I regretted every moment I did not spend with them in their final days, and every day I did not call or tell them that I love them.
I do not think we can ever regret having loved too much, only having loved too little. I have never known an act of kindness* I have regretted, even when the outcome has hurt me.
So let us all look and listen, a little harder, to those in our lives who matter to us, and hug them a little tighter before we go to bed, and may we only witness happy occasions.
* kidness, as distinct from להיות פריירית, שעל זה רב הזמן אני כן מתחרתת
On the way home, I thought about Lot's life looking upon Sdom's destruction and being turned into a pillar of salt. It's impossible for us to understand precisely what went on, but presumably there was something akin to the walking-in-on-sex-or-the-bathroom situation, and instead of wanting to dissapear, Lot's wife strove to get closer.
It is paradoxical to think that listening and seeing, two senses which can be used as great acts of empathy and kindness, can also be used for cruelty - and indicative of the human state, for God has granted us freedom of choice, and essentially every human quality can be used for kindness or cruelty. The choice is ours.
Listening and seeing are also gateways: They are the way we let things into our mind, and I was wondering, in a strange way, if for women, sex is more akin to these actions, because it is letting someone in, whereas for men, it is more like speaking, because it is letting something out. That is not to say that women are passive - I actually consider listening and seeing to both be extremely active actions (how redundant of me) when done correctly.
Of course, this stray thought that fluttered in might be no more than a pretty butterfly, shiny and ungraspable, but I find the idea intriguing - and it leads into the concept of women as better listeners and as possesing a greater wisdom, and all those other things that as a feminist, I'm not supposed to write about.
When I got home, I started thinking about my grandparents, and how much I had loved them, and how, even with all the time I spent with them in various hospitals, I regretted every moment I did not spend with them in their final days, and every day I did not call or tell them that I love them.
I do not think we can ever regret having loved too much, only having loved too little. I have never known an act of kindness* I have regretted, even when the outcome has hurt me.
So let us all look and listen, a little harder, to those in our lives who matter to us, and hug them a little tighter before we go to bed, and may we only witness happy occasions.
* kidness, as distinct from להיות פריירית, שעל זה רב הזמן אני כן מתחרתת
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