Ok, I have a lot to write, but it just seems like facing myself is not really something I've felt like doing lately -which sucks, because one must face onself to face others, and without facing others, life is not nearly as fun.
A few observations:
1. I am addicted to bad reggaeton music.
2. I am living in a home where no one smiles, and realize I've started smiling less as a result. Also realize this is probably part of why I don't enjoy being in said home. I am a big believer in positive nurturing, and my parents try: Recently my father thanked me for eating dinner with him, which was nice. The thing is, he did not smile when he said it - this was not a conscious thing, he just does not smile. And remarks like that are outweighed by the numerous extensive criticism and getting yelled at over little things - a few weeks ago I brought out my biggest smile and said to my mother, "Who is this beautiful woman who I see in the hallway?" (She was leaving the apartment as I exited the elevator). I got no response. Zero. I feel like after that, I lost my positive nurturing mojo, at least vis a vis my parents. And I am not sure that's a bad thing. I recently read "Let Your Life Speak", by Parker Palmer, which is about vocation. Palmer says that forcing oneself to give, because one feels one should, even if one feels one can't or has nothing to give, is unhealthy for oneself and a false form of giving that ultimately harms the other as well. He urges us to rely on community, not just by giving to community, but by trusting that if we can not take care of someone, others from within the community will. It's sort of the "you can't be everyone's BFF and fight every human rights crisis - you must consolidate your efforts and focus them on a few people and issues, trusting others will be BFFs of your non-BFFs and fight other crisises - and through that, everyone will have BFFs and all crisises will be fought" type of argument - but here, I don't feel my parents have other people besides me - that's precisely the problem. So now I must ask myself, honestly, what am I able to give within my parental relationships without harming myself?
3. I like that vocation book. Sometimes its words of wisdom are not easy to translate into practical solutions, other than by honest self-dialogue - but how does on engage in that dialogue? I certainly wish I were better at it.
I should tie this into Chanukah somehow, but its 7 am and I want coffee, so here's a quickie: Light represents both general knowledge (we are illuminated by our ideas), and Torah. I hope this Chanukah is illuminated by Torah and by self-knowledge. I believe the two go hand in hand: The Torah teaches us about God, which, because we are created in God's image, teaches us about ourselves as well, hoping to help us understand our deepest essence.
Happy Chanukah.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Hakarat Hatov
In Judaism, it is a very important value to express gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for: I must thank God for my friends, my family, the comfort with which I live my life, the experiences I have had.
Tonight I would like to express gratitude to my mother - not only did she care for me as a child, when I got sick often - but today, when I was feeling extremely ill, she took excellent care of me, and showed me love and tenderness, despite my having said some rather cutting remarks to her in a disagreement we had yesterday.
I honestly think if my mom hadn't been there to care for me today I might have wound up in the emergency room. I did not thanks to the help of God, and also thanks to my mother's caring nature.
Tonight I would like to express gratitude to my mother - not only did she care for me as a child, when I got sick often - but today, when I was feeling extremely ill, she took excellent care of me, and showed me love and tenderness, despite my having said some rather cutting remarks to her in a disagreement we had yesterday.
I honestly think if my mom hadn't been there to care for me today I might have wound up in the emergency room. I did not thanks to the help of God, and also thanks to my mother's caring nature.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Are Some Moments Unredeemable?
Are certain moments irredeemable? I have often pondered this question. Are there breaks in our relationships with people - that slip of the tongue, that jerking of the hand - that can not be reforged with kisses of silver and hugs' iron anvils?
In the book of Kings, David re-acquires the ark of God and brings it, dancing, to Jerusalem. As Michal, (one of) his wife(s), and King Saul's daughter, sees David dancing joyously with the people, she criticizes him for being undignified, to dance in such a wild and carefree manner. The narrator informs us that after that incident, Michal bore no children for the rest of her day.
This story always scared me: Is it possible that in one moment Michal did something unforgivable? I viewed the narrator's remarks as proof that one moment merited a lifetime of punishment, however, I recently heard a different view, that the reason for Michal's barenness was that things between David and Michal were never the same. The second reason is infinitely more logical to me: The first reason would mean there are moments from which we can not redeem ourselves before God, but I beleive that because God is infinite, His ability to forgive is infinite. The second means that there are moments from which we can not redeem ourselves before humans - which makes sense, because humans are finite and so is their ability to forgive. Yet in Judaism, in order to be forgiven before God one must be forgiven before humans, so maybe that brings us back to square one? To me, it is so beautiful that Judaism beleives God can only forgive you if the person you have wronged has forgiven you: It is placing would-be limits on God in order to empower (wo)man and stress the value of humanity. As David said, "What is human that s/he is remembered before You?? Yet you made humans only slightly less than angels", or, as the Talmudic dictum goes, each person must recognize that one the one hand, the world was created for them, whereas on the other, they are merely dust and ashes.
The need for human forgiveness in order to receive Divine forgiveness makes the capital punishment for murder make sense: Since you can not receive absolution from your victim, you receive a punishment that fits the crime - yet, I do not think the perscribed capital punishment is proof of the murderer's irredeemability: The punishment is not about punishment per se, but about setting a strong deterrent in society, just as the rabbis' imposing strict restrictions on capital punishment*, knew society benefits from a lack of violence and an abundance of mercy.
Then there is the case of Shaul, who with one moment's decision to announce not to kill Agag, king of the Amalekites, and to spare the livestock, loses the kingship - yet then I tell myself, that this was not a moment, but a process: From the initial not-killing-decision, throughout the entire journey home, there was time to change his mind, but he did not, because he wanted to save face with the people and appear kingly and confident. Still, was there a moment in which the switch happened, in which Shaul felt he had gone too far and could not go back (with regards to killing Agag and the sheep), which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy, because we can't do what we think we can't do (and is why its good to eliminate that word from our internal dialogue when we are discussing potential future actions we may or may not undertake).
In neuroscience, we know that every time we engage in a behavior or thought pattern, the nueral pathways used in that pattern are strenghened, making the habit harder - yet still possible - to break. Is there a moment in which our actions become so entrenched in our brains - literally - that the possibility of changing them, while still there, becomes statistically insignificant?
I don't think so - I believe in (wo)man's constant ability to change her/himself. I take my evidence from our Yom Kippur davening, where we read that God does not want evil people to die, but rather, to repent, and waits for them until their deathday - if God, who created people and knows their nature way better than you or I, has that kind of faith in humanity, who am I to contest it?
As for the unredeemability of moments: I am currently reading "Mighty Be Our Powers", by Leymah Gbowee, in which she talks about peace-building she has done in Liberia and throughout Africa. A major part of the peace-building involves reconciliation between the perpetrator and victim, in which the perpetrator acknowledges the wrong done and takes steps toward repairing the damage, and the victim chooses to forgive and try to move forward. If there can be forgiveness between rapists, murderers, theives (ie the perpetrators in the Liberia situation) and the victims, who have suffered so much pain, then a) this is a testament to the ability of humans to forgive, if they choose to forgive - what a beautiful choice b) then surely there is hope for us, in our daily lives, to forgive and be forgiven.
May we all have days in which we do nothing needing forgiveness, and in which no one does such things to us, but if those things occur, may we have the power to forgive, and may others choose to tell us we are forgiven.
*Two witness, interviewed separately, must testify they saw the crime, warned the criminal beforehand, and that the cirminal responded s/he knew it was wrong and was doing it anyway. How many capital punishments given in the US meet those criteria?
In the book of Kings, David re-acquires the ark of God and brings it, dancing, to Jerusalem. As Michal, (one of) his wife(s), and King Saul's daughter, sees David dancing joyously with the people, she criticizes him for being undignified, to dance in such a wild and carefree manner. The narrator informs us that after that incident, Michal bore no children for the rest of her day.
This story always scared me: Is it possible that in one moment Michal did something unforgivable? I viewed the narrator's remarks as proof that one moment merited a lifetime of punishment, however, I recently heard a different view, that the reason for Michal's barenness was that things between David and Michal were never the same. The second reason is infinitely more logical to me: The first reason would mean there are moments from which we can not redeem ourselves before God, but I beleive that because God is infinite, His ability to forgive is infinite. The second means that there are moments from which we can not redeem ourselves before humans - which makes sense, because humans are finite and so is their ability to forgive. Yet in Judaism, in order to be forgiven before God one must be forgiven before humans, so maybe that brings us back to square one? To me, it is so beautiful that Judaism beleives God can only forgive you if the person you have wronged has forgiven you: It is placing would-be limits on God in order to empower (wo)man and stress the value of humanity. As David said, "What is human that s/he is remembered before You?? Yet you made humans only slightly less than angels", or, as the Talmudic dictum goes, each person must recognize that one the one hand, the world was created for them, whereas on the other, they are merely dust and ashes.
The need for human forgiveness in order to receive Divine forgiveness makes the capital punishment for murder make sense: Since you can not receive absolution from your victim, you receive a punishment that fits the crime - yet, I do not think the perscribed capital punishment is proof of the murderer's irredeemability: The punishment is not about punishment per se, but about setting a strong deterrent in society, just as the rabbis' imposing strict restrictions on capital punishment*, knew society benefits from a lack of violence and an abundance of mercy.
Then there is the case of Shaul, who with one moment's decision to announce not to kill Agag, king of the Amalekites, and to spare the livestock, loses the kingship - yet then I tell myself, that this was not a moment, but a process: From the initial not-killing-decision, throughout the entire journey home, there was time to change his mind, but he did not, because he wanted to save face with the people and appear kingly and confident. Still, was there a moment in which the switch happened, in which Shaul felt he had gone too far and could not go back (with regards to killing Agag and the sheep), which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy, because we can't do what we think we can't do (and is why its good to eliminate that word from our internal dialogue when we are discussing potential future actions we may or may not undertake).
In neuroscience, we know that every time we engage in a behavior or thought pattern, the nueral pathways used in that pattern are strenghened, making the habit harder - yet still possible - to break. Is there a moment in which our actions become so entrenched in our brains - literally - that the possibility of changing them, while still there, becomes statistically insignificant?
I don't think so - I believe in (wo)man's constant ability to change her/himself. I take my evidence from our Yom Kippur davening, where we read that God does not want evil people to die, but rather, to repent, and waits for them until their deathday - if God, who created people and knows their nature way better than you or I, has that kind of faith in humanity, who am I to contest it?
As for the unredeemability of moments: I am currently reading "Mighty Be Our Powers", by Leymah Gbowee, in which she talks about peace-building she has done in Liberia and throughout Africa. A major part of the peace-building involves reconciliation between the perpetrator and victim, in which the perpetrator acknowledges the wrong done and takes steps toward repairing the damage, and the victim chooses to forgive and try to move forward. If there can be forgiveness between rapists, murderers, theives (ie the perpetrators in the Liberia situation) and the victims, who have suffered so much pain, then a) this is a testament to the ability of humans to forgive, if they choose to forgive - what a beautiful choice b) then surely there is hope for us, in our daily lives, to forgive and be forgiven.
May we all have days in which we do nothing needing forgiveness, and in which no one does such things to us, but if those things occur, may we have the power to forgive, and may others choose to tell us we are forgiven.
*Two witness, interviewed separately, must testify they saw the crime, warned the criminal beforehand, and that the cirminal responded s/he knew it was wrong and was doing it anyway. How many capital punishments given in the US meet those criteria?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Anger and Forgiveness
Recently I've read a case-studies in cognitive psychology book, and am currently reading "Generation WTF", by Christine Whelan. Techically, its a self-help book. I came across a friend who was reading it and liked the description on the cover.
The thing is, that sometimes I find reading self-help books to be frustrating, because I find that I already do much of what is recommended, only to have it thwarted by circumstances beyond my control - and usually those circumstances involve certain people in my life, who I then must try not to be angry at, because anger is a negative emotion.
Reading the self-help books makes me angrier at these people, because I feel I acted in the "officially" correct way, so why did these people act as they did? I know I should be happy with myself for acting correctly, instead of focusing on the actions of others - but what if those actions have a profound impact on your life? How do you forgive people who don't apologize and continue to repeat their mistakes?
I always was awed - still am - by God's infinite capacity for forgiveness. He forgives us every year, despite our repeating our mistakes or our lack of true contrition, because of Her immense mercy and kindness, which is beyond human language and beyond human comprehension.
Part of tzelem Elokim is that we must find the Divine within us, and emulate God in His attributes of forgveness, kindness, and mercy, but this is so much easier said than done.
If anyone has thoughts on forgiveness, please feel free to share. I'd love to hear from you and value your input.
Let us all have anger-free days.
The thing is, that sometimes I find reading self-help books to be frustrating, because I find that I already do much of what is recommended, only to have it thwarted by circumstances beyond my control - and usually those circumstances involve certain people in my life, who I then must try not to be angry at, because anger is a negative emotion.
Reading the self-help books makes me angrier at these people, because I feel I acted in the "officially" correct way, so why did these people act as they did? I know I should be happy with myself for acting correctly, instead of focusing on the actions of others - but what if those actions have a profound impact on your life? How do you forgive people who don't apologize and continue to repeat their mistakes?
I always was awed - still am - by God's infinite capacity for forgiveness. He forgives us every year, despite our repeating our mistakes or our lack of true contrition, because of Her immense mercy and kindness, which is beyond human language and beyond human comprehension.
Part of tzelem Elokim is that we must find the Divine within us, and emulate God in His attributes of forgveness, kindness, and mercy, but this is so much easier said than done.
If anyone has thoughts on forgiveness, please feel free to share. I'd love to hear from you and value your input.
Let us all have anger-free days.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thin
I came to NY thin. As I felt less and less in control, I grew to eat more and more - and now I feel fat - which is not to say that I am fat - but I am afraid to go on a scale, afraid to try on my jeans. I have been taught that if a woman is less than perfect - in weight or any other realm - she will not hold a man for long - and while most times I ignore that teaching, there are moments when it becomes impossible to ignore, because core beleifs from childhood don't dissapear completely - the most you can do is resist and hold them at bay 90% of the time, but like with condoms, nothing is fool-proof, and sometimes there is a rupture and things slip out that you'd rather keep in.
I finished my cog psych book today, and I plan on sharing some tips in a second - mostly because I am using this blog as an exhibitionist's journal, a kind of pseudo-twitter, perhaps - as a non-twitterer, I can't be sure.
But before I do, let me speak about how I have condemned myself to time in NYC. I miss Jerusalem already - miss being in Israel, but most of all miss my friends, and worry about my time in NY cutting off budding friendships before they've blossomed. There is an opinion in the Talmud, inMasechet Sukkot, that "if something is pushed off from the outset (ie never come fully to fruition the first time), it is not considered "pushed off" (ie, it can still come fully to fruition)", as opposed to if something started to happen then stopped, in which case it is harder to rebuild. I wonder if that is the case with relationships.
Now for cog psyc advice: 1. Often, if a person wants to perceive themself in a certain way, but acts contray to those desired perceptions, their perception will change as a result of their actions. Then they will be depressed because the way they see themself is not the way they want to see themself - the only way to undo this is to act like their ideal self, in which case their self-perception will follow suit, but it is hard for them to do so, because if you perceive yourself as incapable of doing something (in this case, being one's ideal self) it is hard to then do that thing - a classic connundrum. I feel this very strongly when I am home - I am in an environment where I am made to feel irrresponsible and incompetent, and it is hard to then act otherwise. Of course, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, the only person with the power to make you feel inferior is yourself - I must be better at not internalizing parental criticism, whether implicit or explicit. Ironically, the more time we spend apart, the less used I am to having to use my emotional barriers, thus, the less effective I am at keeping their words out.
I find Imago therapy to be interesting, for a few reasons: 1. It stresses the importance of mirroring in convos - repeating what the person said and asking if you got it right. I think that's a good communication tool. 2. It has an interesting anger technique: The sender informs the receiver that there will be an anger session, The sender then says in on or two sentences what their beef is. The receiver mirrors the sentence, then goes into their safe place and gets ready to hear the anger. The sender then channels all their anger about this issue into 10 minutes of rage (no violence allowed). The people then engage in comforting behavior - hugging, etc. (Short comforting behavior - not a makeout session or something.) The sender than asks for three concrete behavior changes in the receiver that will help alleviate the source of frustration. These are mirrored by the receiver, who ideally will agree to said changes, though has the power to refuse/negotiate. The people then engage in behavior that makes them laugh really hard, to end on a happy note that connects them to each other (apparently laughing hard together connects people).
I have more to say, but once again, will remain silent, due to fears of violating laws of lashon hara.
Pirkey Avot says "I have not found anything better for a person than silence", and our High Holiday prayers say, "From humans come the widenings of the heart, but from God comes the gift of words".
With those two thoughts, I wish you a good morning.
I finished my cog psych book today, and I plan on sharing some tips in a second - mostly because I am using this blog as an exhibitionist's journal, a kind of pseudo-twitter, perhaps - as a non-twitterer, I can't be sure.
But before I do, let me speak about how I have condemned myself to time in NYC. I miss Jerusalem already - miss being in Israel, but most of all miss my friends, and worry about my time in NY cutting off budding friendships before they've blossomed. There is an opinion in the Talmud, inMasechet Sukkot, that "if something is pushed off from the outset (ie never come fully to fruition the first time), it is not considered "pushed off" (ie, it can still come fully to fruition)", as opposed to if something started to happen then stopped, in which case it is harder to rebuild. I wonder if that is the case with relationships.
Now for cog psyc advice: 1. Often, if a person wants to perceive themself in a certain way, but acts contray to those desired perceptions, their perception will change as a result of their actions. Then they will be depressed because the way they see themself is not the way they want to see themself - the only way to undo this is to act like their ideal self, in which case their self-perception will follow suit, but it is hard for them to do so, because if you perceive yourself as incapable of doing something (in this case, being one's ideal self) it is hard to then do that thing - a classic connundrum. I feel this very strongly when I am home - I am in an environment where I am made to feel irrresponsible and incompetent, and it is hard to then act otherwise. Of course, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, the only person with the power to make you feel inferior is yourself - I must be better at not internalizing parental criticism, whether implicit or explicit. Ironically, the more time we spend apart, the less used I am to having to use my emotional barriers, thus, the less effective I am at keeping their words out.
I find Imago therapy to be interesting, for a few reasons: 1. It stresses the importance of mirroring in convos - repeating what the person said and asking if you got it right. I think that's a good communication tool. 2. It has an interesting anger technique: The sender informs the receiver that there will be an anger session, The sender then says in on or two sentences what their beef is. The receiver mirrors the sentence, then goes into their safe place and gets ready to hear the anger. The sender then channels all their anger about this issue into 10 minutes of rage (no violence allowed). The people then engage in comforting behavior - hugging, etc. (Short comforting behavior - not a makeout session or something.) The sender than asks for three concrete behavior changes in the receiver that will help alleviate the source of frustration. These are mirrored by the receiver, who ideally will agree to said changes, though has the power to refuse/negotiate. The people then engage in behavior that makes them laugh really hard, to end on a happy note that connects them to each other (apparently laughing hard together connects people).
I have more to say, but once again, will remain silent, due to fears of violating laws of lashon hara.
Pirkey Avot says "I have not found anything better for a person than silence", and our High Holiday prayers say, "From humans come the widenings of the heart, but from God comes the gift of words".
With those two thoughts, I wish you a good morning.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Funny Moment
Me, in the midst of making an omellete: When I'm married, I'm just going to make omelettes twice a week for dinner - we'll add salad, bread, and cheeses - that's enough.
Mom: So when are you getting divorced?
Me: You think my husband would divorce me for making omelettes for dinner twice a week?
Mom (shrugs): Either that or you'll kill him with cholesterol.
Mom: So when are you getting divorced?
Me: You think my husband would divorce me for making omelettes for dinner twice a week?
Mom (shrugs): Either that or you'll kill him with cholesterol.
OMG A Like, Totaly Real Blog Post
Wow. Now I have an odd longing to watch Clueless.
Anyhow, I'm sorry for not writing: Things at home have been hard, but I don't want to go into more details for fears of violating lashon hara, the Jewish laws concering gossip (Judaism is pretty anti-gossip, which makes sense - it is a bit of a betrayal of someone to talk about them behind their back).
I will say a few things however:
1. Recently I feel I've lost direction, which is scary and empowering, because there are so many directions I could go in. I know I have a passion for social justice, Judaism, feminism and Israel - so where does that leave me? I also know I feel strongly about this whole Brazilian thing. What a blessing, to have so many identities to reconcile.
2. Epiphany of the day: If I beleived in myself as much as my friends did, I'd be a much stronger person and get so much more done in life. I should see myself through their eyes.
3. This blog post by an acquaintance kind of sums up the connundrum I feel regarding career choices - macro changes v micro v just being fulfilled and happy (slash does that fulfillment depend on influencing society through macro or micro changes, or both): http://ourtakeonfreedom.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/aruba-in-detail/
Anyhow, I'm sorry for not writing: Things at home have been hard, but I don't want to go into more details for fears of violating lashon hara, the Jewish laws concering gossip (Judaism is pretty anti-gossip, which makes sense - it is a bit of a betrayal of someone to talk about them behind their back).
I will say a few things however:
1. Recently I feel I've lost direction, which is scary and empowering, because there are so many directions I could go in. I know I have a passion for social justice, Judaism, feminism and Israel - so where does that leave me? I also know I feel strongly about this whole Brazilian thing. What a blessing, to have so many identities to reconcile.
2. Epiphany of the day: If I beleived in myself as much as my friends did, I'd be a much stronger person and get so much more done in life. I should see myself through their eyes.
3. This blog post by an acquaintance kind of sums up the connundrum I feel regarding career choices - macro changes v micro v just being fulfilled and happy (slash does that fulfillment depend on influencing society through macro or micro changes, or both): http://ourtakeonfreedom.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/aruba-in-detail/
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