Chanukah

Ok, I have a lot to write, but it just seems like facing myself is not really something I've felt like doing lately -which sucks, because one must face onself to face others, and without facing others, life is not nearly as fun.

A few observations:
1. I am addicted to bad reggaeton music.
2. I am living in a home where no one smiles, and realize I've started smiling less as a result. Also realize this is probably part of why I don't enjoy being in said home. I am a big believer in positive nurturing, and my parents try: Recently my father thanked me for eating dinner with him, which was nice. The thing is, he did not smile when he said it - this was not a conscious thing, he just does not smile. And remarks like that are outweighed by the numerous extensive criticism and getting yelled at over little things - a few weeks ago I brought out my biggest smile and said to my mother, "Who is this beautiful woman who I see in the hallway?" (She was leaving the apartment as I exited the elevator). I got no response. Zero. I feel like after that, I lost my positive nurturing mojo, at least vis a vis my parents. And I am not sure that's a bad thing. I recently read "Let Your Life Speak", by Parker Palmer, which is about vocation. Palmer says that forcing oneself to give, because one feels one should, even if one feels one can't or has nothing to give, is unhealthy for oneself and a false form of giving that ultimately harms the other as well. He urges us to rely on community, not just by giving to community, but by trusting that if we can not take care of someone, others from within the community will. It's sort of the "you can't be everyone's BFF and fight every human rights crisis - you must consolidate your efforts and focus them on a few people and issues, trusting others will be BFFs of your non-BFFs and fight other crisises - and through that, everyone will have BFFs and all crisises will be fought" type of argument - but here, I don't feel my parents have other people besides me - that's precisely the problem. So now I must ask myself, honestly, what am I able to give within my parental relationships without harming myself?
3. I like that vocation book. Sometimes its words of wisdom are not easy to translate into practical solutions, other than by honest self-dialogue - but how does on engage in that dialogue? I certainly wish I were better at it.

I should tie this into Chanukah somehow, but its 7 am and I want coffee, so here's a quickie: Light represents both general knowledge (we are illuminated by our ideas), and Torah. I hope this Chanukah is illuminated by Torah and by self-knowledge. I believe the two go hand in hand: The Torah teaches us about God, which, because we are created in God's image, teaches us about ourselves as well, hoping to help us understand our deepest essence.

Happy Chanukah.