Thin

I came to NY thin. As I felt less and less in control, I grew to eat more and more - and now I feel fat - which is not to say that I am fat - but I am afraid to go on a scale, afraid to try on my jeans. I have been taught that if a woman is less than perfect - in weight or any other realm - she will not hold a man for long - and while most times I ignore that teaching, there are moments when it becomes impossible to ignore, because core beleifs from childhood don't dissapear completely - the most you can do is resist and hold them at bay 90% of the time, but like with condoms, nothing is fool-proof, and sometimes there is a rupture and things slip out that you'd rather keep in.

I finished my cog psych book today, and I plan on sharing some tips in a second - mostly because I am using this blog as an exhibitionist's journal, a kind of pseudo-twitter, perhaps - as a non-twitterer, I can't be sure.

But before I do, let me speak about how I have condemned myself to time in NYC. I miss Jerusalem already - miss being in Israel, but most of all miss my friends, and worry about my time in NY cutting off budding friendships before they've blossomed. There is an opinion in the Talmud, inMasechet Sukkot, that "if something is pushed off from the outset (ie never come fully to fruition the first time), it is not considered "pushed off" (ie, it can still come fully to fruition)", as opposed to if something started to happen then stopped, in which case it is harder to rebuild. I wonder if that is the case with relationships.

Now for cog psyc advice: 1. Often, if a person wants to perceive themself in a certain way, but acts contray to those desired perceptions, their perception will change as a result of their actions. Then they will be depressed because the way they see themself is not the way they want to see themself - the only way to undo this is to act like their ideal self, in which case their self-perception will follow suit, but it is hard for them to do so, because if you perceive yourself as incapable of doing something (in this case, being one's ideal self) it is hard to then do that thing - a classic connundrum. I feel this very strongly when I am home - I am in an environment where I am made to feel irrresponsible and incompetent, and it is hard to then act otherwise. Of course, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, the only person with the power to make you feel inferior is yourself - I must be better at not internalizing parental criticism, whether implicit or explicit. Ironically, the more time we spend apart, the less used I am to having to use my emotional barriers, thus, the less effective I am at keeping their words out.

I find Imago therapy to be interesting, for a few reasons: 1. It stresses the importance of mirroring in convos - repeating what the person said and asking if you got it right. I think that's a good communication tool. 2. It has an interesting anger technique: The sender informs the receiver that there will be an anger session, The sender then says in on or two sentences what their beef is. The receiver mirrors the sentence, then goes into their safe place and gets ready to hear the anger. The sender then channels all their anger about this issue into 10 minutes of rage (no violence allowed). The people then engage in comforting behavior - hugging, etc. (Short comforting behavior - not a makeout session or something.) The sender than asks for three concrete behavior changes in the receiver that will help alleviate the source of frustration. These are mirrored by the receiver, who ideally will agree to said changes, though has the power to refuse/negotiate. The people then engage in behavior that makes them laugh really hard, to end on a happy note that connects them to each other (apparently laughing hard together connects people).

I have more to say, but once again, will remain silent, due to fears of violating laws of lashon hara.

Pirkey Avot says "I have not found anything better for a person than silence", and our High Holiday prayers say, "From humans come the widenings of the heart, but from God comes the gift of words".

With those two thoughts, I wish you a good morning.