Exposing My Own Hypocrisy

So I've noticed three ways recently I've been hypocritical:

1. I condemned Victorias' Secret for using unfair labor practices while buying a matching turqoise underwear/bra set (from a different company) that cost 20 NIS. It occurred to me: If it's so cheap, they probably use unfair labor practices.
2. I always tell people to focus on the process, that it's ok to have a day where you step back, as long as overall, you're marching forward - yet got furious at myself today for having a day where I'm taking a step back.
3. I always say we should focus on our effort, not the result, bc the result is out of our hands - the one thing we can control is our own actions - yet today, got mad at myself when my effort did not produce the intended results.

To sum up: I'm having a terrible day and could really use a hug. I generally am a pretty independent person - I'm fine going to a museum or even an opera by myself, and I enjoy solitary activities, such as reading. I like people - I love my friends - but I don't need to be with people all the time. But here I am, having a bad day, with a 7-hour time difference separating me from most of the friends I usually would complain to about that, and I feel really sad - I feel like a piece of my soul needs a hug, only souls can't be hugged, because they're intangible, so I'll settle for a hug of my body - only, of course, I have no plans to see anyone today bc its supposed to be a homework day, so who is going to hug me?

Writing this makes me feel like such a neb - such, such a neb. The type of person I always vow not to become. The type of girl who actually cares about the fact that she is single, who actually does let it bother her. You know what? The truth is, it does bother me - sometimes. There are days you just want someone to come home to, someone to talk to about your day.

I hope once I live in an apartment that is in good condition, with a good friend (i.e. January, God willing) things will change and I will feel less lonely. I don't even have the strength to work right now. This is SO unlike me. Sigh. And the thing is, I'm not a fool: I know I could "solve" my loneliness, that I could find a guy for a night - but I also know that this is a fool's solution - nothing is lonelier than kissing someone only because you want to stave off loneliness.

Of Rockets and Hamburgers

There is a restaurant on Emek Refaim street, in Jerusalem, called "Burger's Bar", that has a stellar reputation among Americans. Today, I finally decided to try it, to see if that reputation is justified. Conclusion: It is.

But as I was munching on my burger, I wondered if there are times in life when it is better to see things in black and white, and where the line is between grey values, and lack of values. You see, I generally avoid meat during the week, because I believe while it is ok to kill an animal for food for a special occassion, provided you gave it a good life, it's not ok for you to live a life that requires the regular slaughtering of animals for your gastronomic pleasure on a frequent basis. I think eating meat on shabbat is ok, because that is a special occasion - a sanctified day, a highlight of the week - even though, in reality, on most shabbats I will either eat no meat, or only eat meat for one of the shabbat meals, simply because meat-eating is not really a part of my life anymore.

In addition to my moral problem with excessive meat consumption, there is also the fact that the meat industry does not give the cows in question a good quality of life - which possibly violates the Jewish law of not torturing animals. That is why I try not to patronize the industry.

I take a similiar attitude towards modesty: I see it as a guideline for general dressing habits, but think its ok if once in a while I dress immodestly - as long as its not my general mode of attire.

Is my flexibility a good thing, or is it a sign of weakness?

I was pondering this as I ate my burger, when I found out that rockets had fallen ten miles south of Tel Aviv, which is to Israel what Manhattan is to the USA. I have cousins living under rocket fire in southern Israel. I myself am a one-hour's drive away from rocket range - and I hate to sound corny, but this really brought things into perspective. I'm sitting here, eating a hamburger, while my family and friends are under attack, and that makes my pseudo-philosophucal problems seem so tiny. I thought about how much time I wasted today, and how precious life is. I think I should probably try using more spare time to study Torah, because that is what matters to me, and to pray for people, and for peace, because that also matters to me. Will I go through with  it? Only time will tell, because resolutions do not always translate into actions.

But let's all take a moment to appreciate what a miracle it is that we are breathing.

Yom Kippur Obession?

I recently engaged in the weekly ritual of deciding which food gets to stay in my fridge, and which gets dumped into the garbage can. As I stood there, examining my mozarella cheese, I thought, "Today is Yom Kippur for my food. I am standing here like a בקרת רעה עדרו, מעביר צאנו תחת שבטו
deciding the גזר דיו of every item.

I then started singing my favorite part of Unetane Tokef:
אָדָם יְסוֹדוֹ מֵעָפָר, וְסוֹפוֹ לֶעָפָר
בְּנַפְשׁוֹ יָבִיא לַחְמוֹ
מָשׁוּל כְּחֶרֶס הַנִּשְׁבָּר
כְּחָצִיר יָבֵשׁ וּכְצִיץ נוֹבֵל
כְּצֵל עוֹבֵר וּכְעָנָן כָּלָה
וּכְרוּחַ נוֹשָׁבֶת וּכְאָבָק פּוֹרֵחַ
וְכַחֲלום יָעוּף.
וְאַתָּה הוּא מֶלֶךְ אֵל חַי וְקַיָּם

Today, I was reading for class, counting off  each reading, and I started to think of the High Priest counting in the temple Yom Kippur service, as expressed in the avodah prayer:
אחת, אחת ואחת....

Why this Yom Kippur obsessions? Is my subconscious telling me I need to do teshuvah?

Natay Harabeli is the Man

I feel like I blog about self-acceptance way too often, but for me, a healthy sense of self-acceptance - the type that propels you to be a kinder, more giving person - is something I am very much striving to work on.

I recently moved to Jerusalem. I read pirkey avot on the plane. In chaper 1, mishnah 7, Natay Harabeli says, "Do not experience despair concerning a negative judgment/bad things". I read a commentary* that says the meaning of this statement, is that one should not despair on oneself, thinking that one is beyond redemption, that one is worthy of negative judgement. The logic is that such despair becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you think you are beyond redemption, you have no more motivation to act good, thus, you become beyond redemption - even though, perhaps in Judaism there is no beyond redemption, for as we say to God in the "unetaneh tokef prayer, "As Your name is, so is Your glory: Hard to anger and easy to appease. You do not want the dead to die, rather, You want them to repent from their ways and live. Until his dying day You will wait for him, and if he repents, You will immediately receive him.".

Anyway, I was thinking that Natay Harabeli is essentially saying: Don't engage in irrational guilt about your actions, do not feel so guilty that you give up on yourself. This is essentially what cognitive psychology says, and it believes that letting go of i-guilt is essential to leading an emotionally healthy life, as well as to improving oneself, since i-guilt becomes that negative self-fulfilling prophecy: You give up on yourself, so you stop trying, and wind up becoming what you feared.

So how does this mini-dvar Torah tie into my personal life?

Well, first of all, I love how a rabbi living around 200 CE foreshadowed a modern psychological trend. There is a saying***, "Learn Torah and relearn it, for everything is contained within it." I truly believe that, and this is an example of it.**

Second of all, I have been pondering my mini-dvar this morning: I meant to go grocery shopping, but I have been feeling extremely ill since Sunday night (i.e., since before I got on the plane) and travel in general does not agree with me. So I have not yet decided if I will go. I might allow myself some relaxation time and see how I feel, or I might push myself.

Either way though, I have decided to let myself be ok with what I do. I have to go pick up an I.D. card today from the Israeli government, but I do not HAVE to go grocery shopping. I SHOULD go grocery shopping. I've decided for the moment, to let myself take it easy, to give myself more leeway, as I adjust to a new living-place, and all the responsobilities entailed in settling in. In other words: I am deciding not to despair, and following Natay Harabeli's advice.

I am also following an example from one of the blogs I like to read (hey, poets read poetry, bloggers read...blogs), where one of the authors, Ayo, mentions the benefits of cutting oneself "some slack while adjusting to a new life". I really think this is important - and I think the world would be a lot better off if we cut ourselves (and others) some slack.


* I think this is in the artscroll pirkey avot but am unsure.
** This was said by ben Bag-Bag, in pirkey avot. Can we all marvel at the name Bag-Bag?
*** There is also lots of poetry in Tanach, as well as in prayers. For example, the continuation of the unetane tokef prayer reads: "Man, his basis (yesodo) is dust, and his end (sofo) is dust. By his soul (nafsho) he brings his bread (lachmo). He is compared to the broken shard, to the dry yard, to the fading blossom, to the passing shadow, to the light cloud, to the wind, to the dust, to the flying dream. But You are the King, Who Live sand Endures Forever."

Mistakes and Forgiveness

Last night, I made a mistake: I met a lovely woman while waiting for the train. When the train came, it was too crowded for us to sit together, so I sat a row ahead, but did not try to continue my conversation with the woman, figuring that she wanted some peace and quiet during the ride, and not wanting to be nosy. At the end of the ride, as we waited for the train doors to slide open, she said, "I wish we had gotten the chance to know each other better". I had a realization: I should have continued the conversation, because I wanted to do so. If she did not want to get me know better, she could have told me, or implied it by giving one-word answers to my questions. I would have then stopped, no harm done to either of us. By prioritizing her hypothetical inconvenience over my curiosity, I did us both a disfavor.

I decided to forgive myself for this mistake, because we are all human, and in general, I do think (or at least hope) I am a friendly person who pursues connection with others. Sometimes, when I need help forgiving myself, I imagine I am writing to an advice columnist, or that I am a friend, turning to myself for advice. I then imagine the answer I would expect the advice columnist to give, or the answer I would give to a friend who had done what I just did. Most of the time, that answer is much more forgiving than the one I would have given myself before the imaginative exercise.

Then, this morning, I made another mistake: I woke up later than I intended, full of guilt, not in the mood to go out, with no concrete plans. Instead of reassuring myself that I do generally go out and do things, even on days when I have no plans, recognizing my desire not to get dressed, and planning one or two low-intensity at home activities, I allowed my guilt to control my day, which of course made me waste my day even more than I would have otherwise. Furthermore, perhaps after one or two low-intensity at home activities, I would have been in a better mood and actually wanted to go out.

We are taught to be considerate and responsible. But what if our needs conflict with responsibility? I think sometimes recognizing our needs, acknowledging that conflict, and looking for a way to resolve it, is, ironically, essential to living not only a happy life, but a responsible one as well, since eventually, not meeting your needs will wear you out to the point where it is extremely difficult for you to be responsible. I understand this is not always possible. If your "need" is to never work, then you probably won't be able to meet it. But I think most of us are born with a desire to be productive,  kind, and creative - it's just that society defines success and responsibility in a very different way, one that often does not recognize those universal human needs.

Today is Hoshana Rabbah, the sort of "appeals day" for those who did not like the judgement pronounced on them on Yom Kippur, and are seeking a new decision from the heavenly Supreme Court. My personal religious belief is that if you do a good deed tommorrow, God will reward you and might change your fate, so it's never too late. I also believe that God is merciful and wants everyone to be happy, and this desire of God's influences our fates much more than our own deeds, even though it does not absolve us of the responsibility to try hard. But of course, the thought that I slept late on my "trial day" and did not make a "court appearance" in synagogue, did bother me - until I thought about my Yom Kippur resolutions.

Most other years, I have thought about how I can be better to others - and I still think about that. How can I be a better friend, when I am blessed with the most incredible group of friends that ever walked this earth? How can I give back to them? What can I dod about genocide in Darfur, and how responsible am I for the massacres in Syria? How can I contribute to the local community in the place I am living - whether it is Sao Paulo, New York or Jerusalem?

But this year, my focus was on how I can be better to myself - not because I do not value the above questions, but because I think that being to myself is a large part of answering them. I also looked for small, measurable goals: I realized, for example, that my sleeping habits are a "key behavior". The amount of sleep I get and what time I wake up influence what I do while I'm awake, not just how much I get done, but also how I do it. For that reason, after the holiday season, I hope to keep a sleep diary, which, in addition to allowing me to examine and hopefully change my habits, will also improve them by making me feel I am accountable for them. (It is proved that keeping logs or diaries helps people feel more accountable, thus positively influencing behavior.)This is a measurable, accomplishable goal under the grander goal of "better time management/increased productivity".

I also noticed there was one major relationship whose dynamics were negatively impacting my life, so I am trying to figure out one or two concrete steps I can take within that relationship that will hopefully have a "domino" effect on the whole. (I can't go into more details, in order to protect the privacy of the people around me. I will go on the record however, in saying that the relationship I mention is not a romantic relationship.)

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what really plagued me was that it felt selfish, to have most of my Yom Kippur resolutions focus on me, even though the famed Rav Yisrael Salanter is known to have said, that he wanted to change the world, but he realized that the best way to do that was to change himself, as opposed to changing others. More than anything today, I want to ask God for forgiveness not for the things I have done (though yes, I have done many things I regret), but for what I have not done: For all the opportunities squandered or moments wasted, when in fact, each moment and every opportunity is a Divine gift.

But I also realize that in asking for God's forgiveness, I must also learn how to forgive myself. In cognitive psychology, there is the concept of "irrational guilt", which is known to prevent self-improvement by so overwhelming a person that they feel unable to change, and this feeling becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can sometimes be hard to distinguish between "i-guilt" and legitimate guilt - a genuine regrettal of things we have done that are wrong. My main criteria is: "Does this feeling of guilt help move me a step away from the person I wish to become, or does it move me a step away?". Generally, the i-guilt will move me a step away, because it makes me feel to disempowered to change my action, whereas productive guilt will identify a concrete, changeable action/behavior pattern, and look for a method of change.

So today, in addition to asking God for forgivness, I also ask God for help: help in letting go of my i-guilt, and using the genuine regret I have to effect positive change. I ask for help in implementing my "selfish" resolutions, asking God for Her help,  recognizing that my resolutions can only succeed with God's help - and I ask help for using the strengthening of myself, in order to give more to others and to both the local and global communities around me.

Footnote: I did read Oprah magazine today, which was part of the inspiration behind deciding to write this post. Also, the concept of i-guilt, I first dicovered in a book by Dr. Albert Ellis, and the concept of "key behaviors", comes from the book "The Power of Habit", by Charles Duhigg.

3: Some (Thoughts)

Moving means buying things you will need, which means shopping: I hate shopping. I understand that this makes me a bad woman, that it is proof I am in fact a robot, disguised as a female, in a secret mission to take over the earth. But if anyone wants to buy shoes for me, and clothes for me, and just generally turn me into their own personal Barbie doll, it would be very much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Used to Being Objectified

*****************************************************************************

I want to create super-hero called "Honest Man", who saves the day by saying awkwardly honest truths at the right moment.

*******************************************************************************

All good things come in threes - or at least, that's what the couple at the bar told me last night when they bought me champagne.

Closing Tabs

Today I was writing: I had two tabs open -Facebook, and the tab I was writing in. Red alerts repeatedly appeared on top of the blue Facebook banner, so I was distracted by that tab without actually clicking on it and visiting the Facebook page.

 Suddenly I had an epiphany: I could close the tab. So I did.

I think sometimes in life, we get distracted by things, and the solution can be as small and easy as closing a tab - and thus, as hard to see, even if it's been there the whole time. This might involve ignoring non-essential yet unpleasing information, limiting contact with certain people, or only focusing on the positive in a certain situation. For example, if my glasses broke, I can focus on the humor and on how lucky I am to have glasses. The "this is so annoying" tab exists, but I am choosing to close it. The trick is to actually remember to do that when you're on your knees searching for a piece of expensive, doctor-prescribed glass.

Gratitude and Songs

I wanted to take a moment to express grattitude to God for giving me so many wonderful people in my life. I have just been amazed recently at all the incredible people around me, and how supportive they are. <3

I've been listening to a lot of Leonard Cohen and Peter, Paul and Mary lately, and I want to share some songs that have really touched me:

LC

The Gypsy Wife

Halleluja

 Who By Fire

Closing Time

1000 Kisses Deep

PPM

Kisses Sweeter than Wine

Blowin in the Wind

The Rising of the Moon

and of course - Puff the Magic Dragon, my childhood favorite!

Exhibitionism - yay! (Please pass the handcuffs.)

When I first started using Facebook, it was a great way to unleash my inner exhibitionist (oxymoron?) without much risk.  Today however, I have enough Facebook friends, that the risk is slightly bigger - especially since supposedly employers look at those things, though, given that I don't engage in illegal activity (to the best of my knowledge), I'm not sure how my personal life is related to my qualifications for employment.

In a sense, this blog has replaced Facebook: Since it's quasi-anyonymous, I feel quite free - though not free enough to start chronicling my lovelife and calling this blog "Semite in the City", as a brilliant friend of mine recently suggested.*

So here is my exhibitionism, in the form of moments in my life from the past week:

A friend of mine recently told me that s/he saw a ketubah with a picture of Adam and Eve on it, and the Eve had realistic boobage. My immediate response was: That's awesome! I want realistic boobage on my ketubah. To which the response was: Why aren't you gay?

I get asked that all the time!** I also get asked, "Are you gay?", quite a lot - usually because I'm being hit on by a woman, or solicited by a man for a threesome. (So why doesn't the man ask if I'm "bi" - I could hypothetically be gay, and not into men, thus invalidating me for the purposes of a menage a trois?).

Also, I recently expressed a desire for both me and my husband to wear wedding dresses under the chuppah, and have introduced myself as, "Hello, my name is X - and I promise I'm not obsessed with sex", when meeting someone while in the midst of a rant-y discussion about Jewish sexual ethics - a topic very near and dear to my heart - not to mention my lady-bits.

 I got into a random conversation  (half in Hebrew half in English) at (one of) the local Starbucks with a random ex-Hasid, who lived in Israel for four years and now works in China. A great New York moment. It all started when he saw the Hebrew letters on the back of my Save Darfur sweatshirt and asked if I was Israeli.

I had a conversation with my mom about whether one has to be tzefolygen to be meshige, and whether it was possible to be meshige without being tzefloygen - which is pretty funny, considering that I don't really speak Yiddish.

Also, I recently told a friend of mine that the number of creepy guys in my life was much higher since he went away, and is no longer around to call me stupid - to which he sent a response email, that was just the word "Stupid", over and over. Who would have thought an email calling me stupid could make me so happy?

 

I have things more revealing to reveal, but because cyberspace is never anonymous anymore, I'm going to have to chain my exhibitionist for tonight, and reveal no more. Please pass the handcuffs.

*My lovelife probably reads like a great, "What not to do" manual, for the most part - which is arguably what "Sex and the City" is, to begin with. I will stop myself from psychologically analzying Carrie, but suffice it to say, I've spent waaaay too much time doing so. Of course, there have been good moments too - and great guys :)
** Answer: I like cock?

Of Skirts and Repentance

I meant for this to be a serious post, where I culled my thoughts about Yom Kippur and put them together in a wonderfully coherent essay. Instead, I am drinking coffee and thinking about clothing. I had a few clothing-related revelations today:

1. Everything is better when done topless (except for maybe job interviews, and even then, it depends on the type of job).

2. Modesty actually matters to me. You see, I have a ten-dollar skirt that keeps on getting smaller and smaller with each wash. The result was that today, for the first time I can remember, I found myself worrying about whether or not I'd worn a sexy pair of underwear, because if the skirt went any higher while I walked, that might matter. I didn't think it would matter to me, but it really did. (Yes, I do like going topless or in the nude - but at home, by myself or with people I know - not in public.)

Ok, on to more serious things: I've been continuing to think about Israeli folk-songs. You see, there is one that lists an entire catalogue of things the singer has not done yet, with the refrain, "I have not loved enough - the wind and the sun are on my face. I have not spoken enough - and if not now, when?"* My favorite stanza however, is the final one: Even though you are here, and so pretty, I run away from you as if you were a plague. There are still many things I wanted to do - so surely, you'll forgive me for this year too?

Sometimes, the High Holiday season feels a bit like this song: At the same time you make all these resolutions, a part of you is wondering if you aren't destined to break at least some of them? Surely, we must ask forgiveness for the failure to fully repent, just as we try to fully repent? I have even heard some people say that repentance is pointless: We are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past, so why bother? Why fake repentance through a series of rituals?

I disagree with this type of thinking: As humans, we can control our actions, and we need not repeat prior mistakes. Furthermore, knowing that, by nature, we can not be perfect, does not make our repentance fake: We are expressing a desire to be as close to perfect as we can be, while understanding that true perfection is impossible. Repentance is a process: It is about engaging in self-reflection, setting goals, and trying to discover ways to achieve those goals - no one can know the result, but the key thing is that we are trying.***

There is a story about a non-religious man who, every Rosh Hashana through Yom Kippur, dressed as a chassid and visited a rebbe. One year, he showed up to the rebbe's dressed normally. The rebbe began to cry. "But Rebbe, I never was a chassid - it was always just a costume!", the man said. "I knew you weren't a chassid for the rest of the year; I always assumed who you were while you were with me was who you truly are, but the rest of the year things interfered. Now that you visit me dressed as you are, I see that the non-hassid is who you truly are."

First of all, this story brings me back to the topic of clothes, costumes, religiosity as performance, garb as social role, and the role that clothing can play in our spiritual lives - but I'm going to ignore that at the moment.

Second of all, I believe that the High Holiday season is a gift: God is giving us an opportunity to be the best people we can be for ten days, understanding (since He (She?) understands us better than we do ourselves) that we might not be able to keep up the momentum. But what a lovely thing - to have a set time in our lives each year to ask ourselves the important questions. How many people feel that life passed them by, and they don't know when or why? Having an annual time to take stock of your life helps prevent that - and let's face it, between Facebook and Hulu, there just wouldn't be much time to schedule in for introspection if Judaism didn't do it for us. I  would like to think, maybe, if we are the best we can be for the days of repentance, God judges us as He judged Ismael "basher hoo sham", according to the spiritual level he had at that moment, disregarding any evil actions God knew he might do in the future (this is according to Rashi on Genesis, 21: 17).

At the same time, this explanation does not cut it for me: I would like to think if we are going through a spiritual struggle, God will not judge us based on where we are at that moment, but instead, will recognize that there are extenuating circumstances, will give us opportunities in the next year to help us overcome our struggle and fulfill our potential. This fits in with Mincha Belula's interpretation of "basher hoo sham", that "God saw the pain of the youth, that he was there (basher hoo) in pain (sham batzaar)."  God saved Ismael not because of his merit at that moment, but because he was in pain, and God looked at the pain - not at the merit. This is the way we want God to look at us on Yom Kippur - we do not want him to look at our merit (or lack thereof), but rather to enact His infinite mercy and infinite capacity for forgiveness in order to pardon us. We say, "Remember the covenant, but not the yetzer". What is that covenant? It is the covenant of the 13 attributes of mercy - God's promise to enact his mercy through the act of remembrance. What can remembrance mean, since God forgets nothing? I believe that, for God to remember means a selective "forgetting": God chooses to look at  and "remember" the good, and "forget" the bad. He chooses to look at the extenuating circumstances, and not the mistakes we have made, just as he looked at the circumstance that Ismael was in when he prayed to God while in pain. 

This is where the idea of God and the people of Israel as a husband and wife comes in. Part of being in a relationship is choosing to see the positive, and not the negative. It is choosing to forgive, because when you live together, stuff happens. Feeling get hurt. Mistakes are made - but a determination to see the positive in each other and to forgive each other is what makes the relationship work. As a matter of fact, improving interpersonal relationships is a a large part of Yom Kippur: We are enjoined to ask forgiveness of each other, and to forgive. I believe that this is for a few reasons: 1. God knew that human beings are large on pride, and short on time - so what could be better than to designate a time for them to set aside their pride? 2. Having an annual time to resolve arguments leads to more social cohesion, on a micro and macro level. It prevents conflicts from becoming entrenched. Just think about how much easier it would have been if the Capulets and the Montagues could have asked forgiveness for each other the year that their fight first started, before heading off to synagogue, instead waiting until things became so deep and complicated that Romeo and Juliet wound up dying.** 3. It is just healthy for us, as human beings, to practice the act of forgiveness. Having a set time of year to resolve conflicts is healthy for the individual, since rifts in interpersonal relationships come with emotional baggage. 4. You need the forgiveness of a person for a wrong you committed against her - praying without asking forgiveness from the person herself won't cut it. This sends the message that if people are mean, they can't pray a lot, and count on their prayers to "make up for" their meanness to people. Clearly, Judaism does not recognize that as type of religiosity as valid.

The emphasis on interpersonal commandments as being central to living a religious life, something much at work in the prophets, is one of the aspects of Judaism that most resonates with me, even if it is an aspect that is hard to carry out. I am wishing each and every one of you a year full of health, wealth and happiness, in which all of us are the people we truly wish to be (yes, I do think that's an important wish, which is why I am expressing it two posts in a row.)

The Hebrew folk-song that inspired this : Od Lo Ahavti Dai - words by Naomi Shemer, sung by Yehoram Gaon

* "If not now, when?" is a quote from Hillel in Pirkey Avot.

**Note: The play is about lust not, love!

*** Furthermore, the fact that this process is encapsulated in a series of ritual does not mean that is is fake - on the contrary, as Jacob Milgrom says in his commentary on Leviticus, "Anthropology has taught us that when a society wishes to express and preserve its basic values, it ensconces them in rituals". (Milgrom 1). In the case of prayer, because it is performative speech, it is a ritual act. The primary importance of ritual has led to the theory in some Ancient Near Eastern studies, that myths were built up around ritual, and not vice versa. The values of forgiveness and self-improvement ensconced in High Holiday ritual thus shows their importance in Judaism, and by performing those rituals we express our tradition and the values of our religion. See fortresspress.com for more on Milgrom's book. It's called "Leviticus", conveniently enough. 

The New Year and Israeli Folk-songs

This new year has brought some highs and some lows - most involving people in my life or experiences in my life I simply don't want to share online, for privacy reasons (shocking, I know).

Most of all, I have been thinking a lot about two Israeli folk-songs: One, by Chava Alberstein, the other, an Israeli children's song shared by two friends of mine.

The Alberstein song riffs off of a Jewish  Passover folk-song, about a father who buys a goat. The Alberstein version sings, "Why are you singing this song? It is not yet springtime; Passover has not yet come. What has changed for you this year? I have changed this year, that on all other nights, I had four questions. Tonight, I have another question: How much longer will the cycle of violence continue - pursuer and pursued, wounder and wounded - how much longer will this craziness persist? I have changed this year: I once was a sheep, a sweet lamb - today I am a leopard, a hunting wolf. I have already been a dove and a gazelle; today I no longer know who I am".

This song particularly resonates with me, because sometimes I feel that I too, have become the leopard. There are times where this feels empowering, and times when it feels the opposite.

Contrast this with the second song, a children's song that proclaims that no matter what happens in life, the singer remains himself. This is a beautiful ideal - that we should remain ourselves no matter what. Of course, we should grow in response to events in our lives, but not at the expense of losing our core.

As a matter of fact, I view Judaism as a journey towards the core: Avraham is commanded, "Lech lecha", literally "go to yourself", for Judaism can act as a vehicle to self-actualization, to going towards the "you" that deepest you that your truly wish to be.

So how does one balance the two, the remaining oneself while growing? Are there times when we should transform ourselves from sheep into leopards?

I don't know the answer, I do know however, that after listening to the song today, I have to ask myself: Have I remained myself this year, faced with the various challenges it has posed? Have I indeed followed Polonius's advice, in Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true,/
And it must follow, as the night the day/Thou canst not then be false to any man.". I don't know the answer - I suppose that is what the ten days of repentance are about - examining ourselves and looking for an answer.

Below is the "I remain myself" song, for your enjoyment :) May we all have an upcoming year in which we are the person we truly want to be.

Soppy, Soppy, Soppy

This Regina Spektor song came up on my playlist. The song always touches me, not just because Regina Spektor makes beautiful music, but also, because in love, I don't think there's such a thing as loving anyone too completely*, and this song speaks to that truth.

Also, by "love" I don't mean "sleep with" (though one often encompasses the other). It's interesting: In the past, the greatest love stories, such as Wuthering Heights, were considered great precisely because they remained unconsummated. Today, love is not considered legitimate unless it's been consummatted. I could try to explain the shift, how today's society is trying to compensate for Victorian values, and discuss the roots of ascetism in Classic culture, but instead I refer you to the works of Michel Foucault and Daniel Boyarin :)



* Exception: If you are in an abusive relationship, no matter how much you love the person or how many positive qualities they have, you should get out before they can harm you. I know it's easier said than done, but I still have to say it.

Morning Musings

Today something horrifying happened: I was working on a paper, and throughout, I kept muttering "Why is this my life?". Of course, I was working on a low-stakes paper for a class I hated, out of loyalty to my parents' money, since they had paid for the course. Now, this loyalty may not be misplaced, but, I wondered: How can I allow myself to be in a situation where this ugly phrase is what I keep muttering to myself? I can't. That is not the type of life I want to live, or the type of person I want to be.

So I took a shower, and now I'm sitting here listening to music and typing this post.* I am asking myself: What would my ideal life, for the next year or two look like, leaving aside thoughts of future consequences? The answer is simple: I would study at Drisha, being part of the arts fellowship,** while also taking part-time classes for Columbia University's MA in Human Rights. I would spend every single vacation - even if it was a one-week vacation - in Israel. I would have subscription tickets to the opera, and live in a studio on the Upper West Side.

So why am I not pursuing that option? Answer: It is too expensive to split my time between Israel and NY, so I chose Israel. Furthermore, living in Israel is my ideal - it just so happens that Drisha and Columbia are two institutions that I would be willing to delay that ideal for, if it were feasible to still spend substantial amounts of time in Israel while doing so. I do not regret my decision to make aliyah in October, but I am scared: Not scared of being in Israel, but scared that within the wide variety of options that "life in Israel" encompasses, I might take a path that will leave me un-fulfilled, that will not empower me to contribute to the world as I wish to.

There are also two truths I have realized: 1. I am open to the idea of returning at the US for some point for Drisha/Columbia or some equally worthy opportunity. 2. I am willing to live in the US for love.*** To a certain extent, these realizations alleviate my fear, and I hope that the phrase I muttered to myself this morning is largely a consequence of the life I currently lead: a life in limbo, as I wait to get on a plane, a life without routine, a life in my parents house (as loving as they are) - in other words, a consequence of temporary situations in my life that will change once I get to Israel.

But I still think today's exercise was helpful: Now I have to look at the ideal next-two-years I just envisioned, to isolate elements of that ideal that I can incorporate into my current NY life and (God willing) into my future Israel life.


* A note on this blog: It is largely a way for me to work through my personal challenges, so it might focus on my less-flattering aspects. I tend to assume if you don't know me well, you probably won't be interested enough to read this, so hopefully that doesn't matter. If you wonder why I'm putting this online, 2 reasons: 1. It's nice to write for an audience, even if I suspect that audience might be just a handful of people 2. The same way we can learn from our own mistakes, we can also learn from the mistakes of others so hopefully, you can learn something from my blog - but, to quote Tzeitel immitating Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof, "Don't ask me what!".
** Self-advertisement: I also have a creative writing blog.
*** The second is the more shocking, because I've spent a long time refusing to date in the US lest I fall in love with someone who doesn't move to Israel. Also: I'm a cynical feminist who doesn't like to admit that I actually believe in romance.

Disorganized Thoughts Before Going To Bad, Unravelled Like An Ancient T-Shirst

I told myself I would go to bed early tonight, but here I am, typing, as replays of tonight's DNC Convention croon softly in the background.

Here are three thoughts:

1. I sometimes need to restrain a desire to sing and pretend to fly while walking through the streets. At such moments, I wish I possessed the power of invisibility.

2. Sometimes I talk to myself, not because I'm crazy, but because I'm an egoist.

3. This week is fashion week. I found myself feeling extremely un-glamorous as I passed by a gaggle of stiletto-clad models*. I took a flyer, and saw an ad for Harry Winston, which is having an exhibit about "the nature of time", as measured through its company's diamonds. This ad struck me as preposterous: The nature of time is many things, but something measurable by Harry Winston diamonds is not one of them.**

So I started pondering the way diamonds are used to symbolize romance There are so many things that are more meaningful (and cheaper) than a diamond, and I wonder if it isn't largely because of diamond companies' large advertising blitz that they've convinced us diamonds are THE way of expressing romance. I remember once, last year, having a conversation with mostly younger peers, who all were fantasizing about their dream engagement ring. I felt this odd disconnect, because I don't have a dream engagement ring, or a dream proposal scenario, or even want/expect/hope for a ring if/when the moment comes.***

Then of course, there is the double-standard issue, since men are expected to give rings and plan proposals, but women are just expect to say yes, to be passive agents in their own destiny.

But despite my entire pseudo-feminist rant, I still felt the desire to be glamorous for that one moment, to be considered beautiful by this group of strangers. I would like to think that this desire came from the impulse to connect with others, but who knows? I can merely shrug my unfashionable shoulders and reach for my ten-dollar flip-flops.

PS - Lots of thoughts about "being an American" as a result of watching all the convention speeches, but it's nearly 2 am, and I have a cold, so I'm way too tired to write about something serious. I'd rather just dream of stiletto heels dancing beneath Lincoln Center in the moonlight and apples lying by books in the grass, and wonder what the boy is dreaming of in the DRC, as he stands silently in a mine shaft.


* Also, what's up with male models shaving their chest hair? I think it's weird. If I dated a guy who enjoyed shaving his chest hair, I'd respect his aesthetic choice, but I don't think male chest-hair is unattractive - it just so happens that I am turned on by the male anatomy, which generally includes a somewhat hairy chest. Then again, I also am bothered by the model industries' demand that it's women be shaved/waxed/lazered/what-have-you. Actually, I am just bothered by the industry. Period.
** Please read Alan Lightman's "Einstein's Dreams", a novella about the nature of time. You can borrow it if you want - first come first served :)
*** If it is a diamond though, it can not be a blood diamond. That is non-negotiable.

The Golden Rule

There is a Lonely Island classic that claims, "It's OK if it's in a 3-way". I've decided that I feel that way about blogs: If I blog about something, it's magically forgiven. The real me might by an insomniac caffeine junkie*, but as long as the blogging me is spectacular, it's OK.

I came to this conclusion while reading opera blogs. To backtrack: I've recently been taking advantage of the Met Opera Live HD festival, where operas are broadcast on movie-theater screens in Lincoln Center. Because I have a tendency to obsess,** I've also spent the past week writing opera articles, watching opera youtube videos, and reading opera blogs.

Two of these blogs really struck me as inspirational: That of Joyce Didonato, and of "Little Miss Bossy". As I read them, I realized that part of the reason they were inspirational, is that they were aspirational: These blogs dealt with their authors goals and challenges - they were as much about the selves that the bloggers want to be, as they are about the selves that the bloggers currently are.***

It occurred to me that maybe my blog could be something similiar: A log of the challenges I face, how I want to grow, who I want to be. The Jewish New Year is approaching: a time to face one's past, and to hope for one's future - a time to focus on the self you aspire to be. (For the sake of full disclosure: That self probably would not engage in a threesome with the members of "Lonely Island".)

It is true that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life: I am passionate about writing, human rights, and Jewish studies, but I have yet to find a way to combine the three. I do know, however, a lot about the type of person I want to be: the type of person who awakens every morning with a smile, the type of person that even a five-minute interaction with her can brighten your day.

There is a great phrase in the eshet chayil prayer, that a husband traditionally sings for his wife on Friday nights****: "Her mouth opens with wisdom; a Torah of kindness is on her tongue". I too, want to use my voice for wisdom and for kindness. I think I'm still figuring out how to do that, and I guess that's ok: Maybe life is more about what we're aspiring to than where we are - as long as we keep moving towards the goal, no matter how slowly, no matter how many cups of coffee it takes.

I like mine black, with sugar, served out in little tea-cups.


* I refuse to acknowledge that these two facts are related. Insomnia is just what jealous people call those who have the ability to make love the whole night without getting tired.
** And to cite myself, apparently. I feel so meta!
*** Insert cliche about "growing" and how "it's all about the process". Add the word journey.
**** Yeah, that's right: A religiously mandated weekly serenade.

Cooking Time?

I am on a forced break until 2 o'clock. I have vowed, for the next 20 minutes, to not engage in any logistics related emails or phonecalls. I also kind of want to cry. You see, today I baked a delicious casserole*, but then I suddenly panicked: What if, the casserole's juiciness was because really the egg was slightly raw, even though I could not taste the rawness, and serving it as is would give my family salmonella? I hastily shoved the casserole back into the oven. The result: A dried mess of something that had the potential to be glorious.

The metaphor's meaning was not lost on me, but as I tried to reassure myself that even confident people ocassionally have salmonella freakouts that may cause them to burn a casserole, I realized that the bigger problem was that I had other issues my casserole freakout was trying to mask: Earlier today, I babbled on the phone, unable to articulate my needs or desires, unsure of myself, nervously discussing a topic I did not want to discuss. Courage to articulate my desires or say no to an undesired (even if well intentioned) question, is so much more important than whether or not one ocassionally burns a casserole.

 On the bright side, I do really like the casserole recipe, which I will proceed to share, as I engage in delusions that sharing a recipe on the internet makes me a true gormand:

Spice mix:
cilantro, oregano, basil, zaatar, turmeric, pepper, cumin

Other ingredients:
Canned black beans
Canned kidney beans
An egg
Muenster cheese
Gouda cheese
Olive oil

Drain beans.
Take spice mix. Put in pan. Pour in olive oil and beans. Mix. Mash beans thoroughly.
Crack egg and scramble. Pour scrambled egg into pan. Mix.
Slice cheeses into little pieces. Mix well, so the cheese is scattered through out.
Put in oven till ready.

 I know (despite my moment of panic) how to tell if it's ready by looking at it or testing it with a fork, but don't know how to advise others. Timing depends on the specific oven, as well as how much you preheat it. I cooked mine in the toaster oven, on the broil setting, at 500, and it got ready in literally ten minutes - but the oven had been on for quite a while, because it was in use for most of this late morning/early afternoon....and, with that bit of obfuscation, I've gotten rid of any pretensions I had about being a gormand.


* Ok, it was not in a casserole dish, hence technically not a casserole. It was in a tinfoil bakepan, because I am lazy.  In my defense, when I do use tinfoil, I reuse it before throwing it out, in order to be slightly environmentally conscious.

3 Different Ways to Serve Vegetables

People sometimes ask me if I cook, and I have no idea how to answer them: Do they mean can I cobble together a meal (yes) or am I Martha Stewart the Second (no)?

However, I do have a very easy vegetable recipe that can be used three ways, and decided to share it.

Vegetable Recipe

Spice mix: cumin, paprika, turmeric, basil, oregano. optional: pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, zaatar.

Take spice mix, marinara sauce, white wine, olive oil, a little bit (a capful or two) of orange juice, and put in baking pan. Mix in sliced mushrooms, tofu, tomato, baby spinach. Put in oven (make sure to preheat oven to 350 beforehand) and bake until the mushroom feels soft but not mushy when you stick it with a fork. I usually bake it for 20-30 minutes at 500 degrees but a) I have a fast oven b) its better to bake it for more time at 400-450, I'm just really impatient.

If you have less wine, you can vamp up the oj quantity, but don't use too much oj or it becomes too sweet. I use Kedem white wine because its kosher and cheap-ish, and use just enough wine to turn the sauce/oil mixture into a an actual liquid. When I mix the veggies in with the sauce before baking it, I usually turn each piece of mushroom and tofu over to make sure each side of each piece soaks up some sauce.


3 Ways to Serve:

1. Serve the veggies with rice. Also, if you're doing a shabbos meal, you can make a large mix of sauce, divide into two bake pans: In one put the veggies, in the other, put a bunch of chicken-thighs. This saves time and energy, since you only have to make one batch of sauce/seasoning for two dishes, and chicken+rice+veggies is enough for a basic shabbos dinner. You can also cook the veggies and chicken together, but I prefer to keep them separate in case guests want a pareve vegetarian option. When you grocery shop for this meal, if you buy enough baby spinach and tomatoes, you can cook some of them, and leave the rest to make your shabbos salad. I like to mix in avocado and hearts of palm, which I find go well with baby spinach and tomatoes, and those four ingredients are enough for a good salad.

2. Take the veggies and put them in a tortilla with chumus, and fresh (i.e. raw) tomatoes and spinach.

3. Preheat the oven. Take a tortilla. Spread marinara, olive oil, basil and oregano on the tortilla. Add
 the veggies and muenster cheese. Fold the tortilla closed, and on top of the fold, add some havarti cheese. This keeps the tortilla closed, and tops everything off with a delicious extra layer of cheese.

A note on economics: Personally, I find it more economical to buy a large pack of the same ingredients at the beginning of the week and use them over and over in as many different ways of possible, than  to buy different foods, even if, at the end of the day, I suppose that either way I probably consume the same amount of groceries. I understand that everyone has different eating habits and food prices vary (if in NY, I strongly suggest Trader Joes for the above recipes, because it has cheep veggies, tofu, hummus, and tortillas, although the line is enormous), so I am not sure it would be the most economical for everyone, but I can remark that I have found it the most economical for myself.

Enjoy :)

NY Bus Notes

Overheard on an NY Bus:

Kid A: Downtown is boring because that's where my dad's workplace is. You know what my dad's work is, right? He writes books.
Kid B: Wow, that's really boring.
Kid A: Yeah.
Kid B: What does he write about?
Kid A: I don't know - he's too smart for me. He's too smart for twelfth graders even - he used to teach college. And, it's so funny - one time, when he was teaching college, he gave this girl a seed, and she started crying and saying, I'm not a seed person.

Why did God make kids so cute? Answer: Evolutionary mechanism, so women would have incentive to grow something inside their wombs for nine months and then pop it out of their vaginas.

Facebook

Imagine if, instead of the "interested in" on one's Facebook profile, there was a "not interested in" button, where one could list all the things that were deal-breakers. Think about it: Right now, Facebook says that I am interested in men - but considering that "men" is about half the world's population, that does not really narrow it down - or give the aspiring male much more than a foggiest notion of if he stands a chance. Listing what you're not interested in, however, gives the aspiring stalker much more of a clue as to whether or not you're worth pursuing. For example, the profile of a straight woman or gay man might read:

Not Interested In:
Cat-lovers
Smokers
People with vaginas.

There you have it - much more informative, while still gently informing females whose hearts flutter at the sound of your name that you're just not interested. We are a society that thrives on list-making, that enjoys indicating our "likes" at the click of a button - so why not list some dislikes, while we're at it?

Bukowski and Porn

I told myself that when I took up blogging this time around, I would be more "sophisticated". Of course, I'm not exactly sure what that means. Does writing about literature make my blog sophisticated, even if that literature is pornographic, like the book "Women", by Charles Bukowski? You see, I just finished reading "Women". I was warned that it was mysogynistic. In fact however, I really enjoyed the book, and did not find it mysogynistic at all: It was about a man who behaves mysogynistically, but it did not have a pro-msyogyny moral, just as most murder mysteries are not homicidal simply because they feature a homicidal character. If literature only dealt with flawless people, it would be pretty boring.

Furthemore, I thought that the book dealt much with the relationship between sex, art, and loneliness - a topic that I find particularly fascinating. As I read the book, I began to wonder: What would constitute mysogynistic writing? The answer I came up with, was, that there are two main ways for writing to be mysogynistic: 1.It can have a pro-mysogyny moral 2. It can fetishize mysogynistic behavior to the point where a reader will be tempted to immitate such behavior. I suppose that if you substitute "homicidal" for "mysogyny", then you also have an answer to how a novel can be homicidal. I think "The Picture of Dorian Gray", by Oscar Wilde, is a great example of the second type of novel: It makes sensual behavior seem so desirable, that one is temtped to engage in such behavior. Seriously, reading that book makes me pretty much want to start fucking everyone while reciting Greek poetry and viewing Classic art, while also being in a garden. (A lovely tip for any readers trying to woo me into bed.)

Questions about the second type of mysogynistic novel also come up regarding rape porn: Studies show that many women and men have rape fantasies, so its logical that there is a porn genre that caters to that fantasy. I have heard it argued that rape porn creates a safe place on which to project one's rape fantasies. But rape porn can also easily cross the line, making rape seem so appealing, so damn sexy, that it might make actual rape just that much more tempting, or might even give a potential rapists some tips. I have never watched porn*, so I am not informed enough to weigh in, but I don't think that just because something is labeled as porn, as make-believe, means that its completely harmless - especially since there is an entire industry of "real" rape videos (often these videos are manufactured and only claim to be real), which are meant to help men get off not on the knowingly-pretend stage re-enactment of rape, but rather, on a real rape. Men who get off from real rapes, perhaps should be discouraged, not encouraged, lest that desire to get off on a real rape actually lead them to rape. (Yes, rape is about power. If you get off from real rape, you clearly have power issues. But I am tabling the "rape-is-about-power" discussion for another time. I am also tabling the discussion about how the mainstream porn indsutry uses and abuses women, or how it caters to straight male tastes while also creating unrealistic male expectations regarding women's bodies and sex.)

Anyhow, back to Bukowsky: He goes on and on about the intimacy of kissing, even saying, at one point, that its more intimate than fucking. (His word, not mine.) I am not going to comment on that particular comparison, but I do agree that kissing is more intimate than society gives it credit for: it seems that kissing strangers at parties is considered normal, to the point where not doing so is simply bad manners. (Hello, sexually coercive sexual revolution.) Kissing is often seen as the gateway touch leading to more physical intimacy: It is a kiss, not a nice long feel of a girl's breasts, that a man might expect at the end of a first date. (Maybe because feeling breasts is easy enough without a date if you know how to get down on the dance floor - but then again, so is sex, I suppose.) I wonder why this is - to me, it makes more sense for kissing to be neither the first nor the last thing on the menu - and I am not just saying that because I have an irrational fear of herpes - which, FYI, you can get from kissing. (You would get oral herpes, but then, if you give your partner oral sex and you have oral herpes, you can inadvertantly give them genital herpes. The risk is pretty low if you don't have an outbreak though - if no one could ever get any oral sex from anyone who ever had a cold sore, then our oral sex levels as a human species would probably be pretty low. Also, according to the "Herpes Viruses Association", if both people have the same type of Herpes, they won't reinfect each other. Yay?)

So now that I have completely disgusted you with my impromptu sex ed spiel, back to kissing: I think kissing is beautiful, and private, and intimate - it's not really something I can imagine enjoying with a stranger the way I might enjoy grinding, even though grinding (with a man) involves actually feeling the man's hard-on through his pants. Of course, I am no sexist: I am fully happy to grind with women.

I just wonder how the kiss - or why the kiss - has become so devalued in our society. Is this part of a symptom, of just generally devaluing sex - or at least, sex qua something special, as opposed to sex qua fulfilling a biological need?

My closing thought is simply an image from the movie "Pretty Woman": The prostitute makes a deal with her rich client, and part of that deal is no kissing. They are sitting at a piano, engaged in a game, where he tries to kiss her on the lips, and she resists. Their bodies become engaged in a dance of non-kissing. Of course, for this dance, one needs a partner to not kiss with. The minute a piece of the body is marked as forbidden, physical intimacy becomes a game of power, almost like S&M. Since this is a prostitute-customer scene, and I am a feminist, I could bore you with an entire analysis of the power dynamics. Instead, I will not-kiss you goodnight.

* except for five minutes, when I was stuck in a car with a sketchy Uruguayan and a Swiss banker. Long story. Luckily, I got out of the car before anything truly exciting had happened between the three people in the bathtub.

Facebook, Dating, and Knowledge Addiction

I love reading recipes. Like buying books, they entail potential: When you buy the book, or read the recipe, you are making a secret, and oft-broken, contract with yourself - that you will read the book, or cook the recipe. You do not know the burnt dishes or dissapointing pages yet to come. You only know the hope of new beginnings.

I guess that's kind of like a relationship: The beginning phase is reading the recipe, or buying the book - an act of hope. As the relationship progresses, you notice the smudged page-corner, the slight overdoes of cumin, and eventually, you may desist - or you may decided that the words on page 288 and the melting cinammon in your mouth enthrall you too much for you to give it (her, him) up.

Recently however, the internet has started ruining this process of discovery. You see, it is now common to google or Facebook someone by the end (or even before the beginning) of the first date - a practice so common, there was an entire "How I Met Your Mother" episode dedicated to it, entitled, "History vs. Mystery". (Say what you want about the series, but as an indicator of current social trends, it is spot-on.) So there you are, discovering all this information, without having truly begun to know the person. Because we are human, and we live in a society that lacks privacy, much of this information may be negative, may entail the person's flaws.

Now, imagine six months in you discover you current significant other worked as a stripper, or curses when her/his boss gets drunk at the office. Let's also imagine that you happen to consider these facts negative, but because you already love your significant other, you decide they're worth putting up with. Now, let's imagine you discover those facts before the second date, when you like your significant other, but still havent' really gotten to know him/her - all of a sudden, those facts become deal-breakers, that prevent you from getting to the six-month mark, even though, had you gotten there, you might have found yourself engaged in a long-lasting and loving relationship.

The problem is, that humans have a thirst for knowledge. This is generally a good thing, but the internet has the ability to bring out the downsides to this thirst. Our ancestors (by and large) accepted that while they wanted to know everything, they didn't need to - there was knowledge worth pursuing, and knowledge that was simply not worth the time and effort. Today, that time and effort has diminished to the click of a button and the five minutes it takes to read a Wikipedia article or a Facebook profile - so all of a sudden, we NEED to know everything. It only takes a minute. The problem is, that the "only a minute" has then turned into an hour of reading related Wikipedia articles on information that has no bearing on your life and that you are likely to forget - of course, each article only took a minute, but the aggregate was an amount of time spent on Wikipedia that waas not proportional to how much time of your life the information was worth.

There is no more concept of not pursuing knowledge: Hey, I could spend an hour stalking my date, but I don't have to - I CAN "NOT KNOW" and will spend an hour reading a book, or doing something that is actually useful and enjoyable. Or even, hey, I could read three Wikipedia articles on the history of pencils, but since that's not a topic I am particularly interested in, I won't.

The best example of this is IMDB: Think about how much time you have (if you are a procrastinator like me) spend IMDB-ing actors, directors, etc. Then think about how much of this information you remember, and how much utility you've gotten out of it. Next, think about how much time your parents put into researching actors, directors, etc. - probably much less. Ask yourself if you think the amount of time you put in made your quality of life better in any way. The anwser is probably no, because generally, it is not essential to one's personal fulfillment and enjoyment of life to know every detail of Johnny Depp's love-life.

Of course, while you are online, you are simply thinking that you need to know about Johnny Depp's lovelife, and its only a click away, and how can you finish watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" without knowing about his recent separation from Vanessa Paris?

You see, we live in an era of information addiction: I mean that literally - a compulsive, habit-forming, need for online knowledge that can severely interfere with one's functioning in daily life if carried out to its furthest extremes. Generally, the thirst for knowledge (and, because I am religious, I will add: some help from God), has driven human progress. But I wonder how much progress this recent thirst-surge can drive - thanks to our internet-enablers, we are too busy updating our Facebook statuses about our newly found knowledge, to turn it towards more productive means - or are we?

a note on all blog entries

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