I stumbled across this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atk2Ko3aRf4&NR=1
and thought it would be fun to share songs about hugs in various languages, because what could be more powerful than a hug? (Seriously, it releases oxytocin, which makes people happy.) The song above is in Spanish, and the chorus is "Hug me" (Abrazame).
Now for Hebrew - the chorus is "Leave me room to hug you in your dreams": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1DAABjcCbY
Portuguese: "Give me a hug": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkt6QHhDws0
French: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNF96RrWYw4
I suppose I should do one in English? Here is a song this man wrote in honor of his deceased friend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXH_2KVT8uY I think that is really sweet of him.
To end on a happy note - a beautiful kiss from the most recent world cup (Brasil para mundial 2014!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcArXqy06PU&feature=related
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Today/Iphone fun
My friend asked his iphone what is the meaning of life.
The 3 answers it came up with:
1. chocolate
2. 42 (a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy reference)
3. i dont know, but let me write you a play where nothing happens and try to find out (a waiting for godot reference)
Since when did phones become so culturally literate?
also, same friend asked phone if it loved him. Answers:
1. I can't. 2. I don't know. 3. I never really thought about it. 4. I respect you.
Is it me, or does it sound like my friend's phone is breaking up with him?
The 3 answers it came up with:
1. chocolate
2. 42 (a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy reference)
3. i dont know, but let me write you a play where nothing happens and try to find out (a waiting for godot reference)
Since when did phones become so culturally literate?
also, same friend asked phone if it loved him. Answers:
1. I can't. 2. I don't know. 3. I never really thought about it. 4. I respect you.
Is it me, or does it sound like my friend's phone is breaking up with him?
self-reflection
Ok, so first of all, I saw these people perform in Central Park and was pretty impressed: http://www.skthoth.com/
Second of all: I always criticize Israelis for their "You don't really have a full right to talk about the situation until you live here" mentality. Then today, a friend of mine who is pro-Israel and a religious Jew made a claim in favor of direct negotiations with the Hamas government of Gaza, whose charter calls for the destruction of Israel - and next thing I knew, I was snapping how "Unless you've been under attack from Hamas, which I have been*, I don't think you have a right to talk". I was really surprised at myself - I guess I've become more Israeli than I realize. If an Israeli would have voiced the same opinion my friend voiced, while I would have disagreed, I would have totally respected their opinion, listened, and tried to understand their point of view. Because the opinion was being said by someone who hasn't spent extensive time living in Israel, I did not have the same level of respect for it, because I felt it was coming from a place of naivete - which was judgmental and unlike me.
Or maybe it is just the "negative side" of my passion? Or maybe I'd just like to think that?
* I was volunteering at a home for mentally challenged adults during the Gaza War, 20 KM from Gaza. I spent much time in bomb shelters. In addition to helping the residents during the day with various activities, we also had to help pull them into the shelter if a "code red" alarm went off - and sometimes they would hit us, because they had no idea what was going on, other than that they were being pulled into a room, their routine was being disrupted, and people were upset. I can't blame them - they felt confusion and a loss of control, and hitting was a way of trying to get some of that control back (obviously I don't sanction hitting people - I am just trying to understand where these people were coming from). The residents I volunteered with were n0n-verbal and some had autism, but they still communicated their emotions. Volunteering with them was one of the most incredible experiences in my life, and I am so glad that I did, and that I had a wonderful friend who volunteered with me.
Second of all: I always criticize Israelis for their "You don't really have a full right to talk about the situation until you live here" mentality. Then today, a friend of mine who is pro-Israel and a religious Jew made a claim in favor of direct negotiations with the Hamas government of Gaza, whose charter calls for the destruction of Israel - and next thing I knew, I was snapping how "Unless you've been under attack from Hamas, which I have been*, I don't think you have a right to talk". I was really surprised at myself - I guess I've become more Israeli than I realize. If an Israeli would have voiced the same opinion my friend voiced, while I would have disagreed, I would have totally respected their opinion, listened, and tried to understand their point of view. Because the opinion was being said by someone who hasn't spent extensive time living in Israel, I did not have the same level of respect for it, because I felt it was coming from a place of naivete - which was judgmental and unlike me.
Or maybe it is just the "negative side" of my passion? Or maybe I'd just like to think that?
* I was volunteering at a home for mentally challenged adults during the Gaza War, 20 KM from Gaza. I spent much time in bomb shelters. In addition to helping the residents during the day with various activities, we also had to help pull them into the shelter if a "code red" alarm went off - and sometimes they would hit us, because they had no idea what was going on, other than that they were being pulled into a room, their routine was being disrupted, and people were upset. I can't blame them - they felt confusion and a loss of control, and hitting was a way of trying to get some of that control back (obviously I don't sanction hitting people - I am just trying to understand where these people were coming from). The residents I volunteered with were n0n-verbal and some had autism, but they still communicated their emotions. Volunteering with them was one of the most incredible experiences in my life, and I am so glad that I did, and that I had a wonderful friend who volunteered with me.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Time to Objectify Women
I recently told a friend I was listening to innapropriate music to cheer me up. He told me if it cheers me up its not innappropriate. I never thought of things that way before.
Now, on to something completely unrelated - another convo excerpt, followed by a story:
Me: Will you see this movie with me? It has Kiera Knightley.
Friend: No. She has no tits.
Me: I know you're a tit man, but she was hot in the Last Duchess.
Friend grins, but does not answer.
Now for the story: After seeing the Last Duchess with this same friend, and having a similiar discussion with him abotu Kiera Knightley's breasts, I was giving a presentation about Georgian Era England to some students in school - or maybe even it was in class, with the professor there - I don't remember. These students were completely flummoxed and had no idea of what Georgian England was, so to spice things up, rather than giving dry historical facts, I decided to give them a pop-culture reference - "Come on, they just made a movie about it - you know, the movie about the Duchess of Devonshire, starring that hot actress with really small breasts!" The students were too shocked to answer - I think at this point the TA remembered the name of the movie, and I actually got an A on the presenation, which was about the objectification of African people in Georgian era cartoon porn.
It's one of those moments I would be embarrassed about if I didn't find it so amusing.
Now, on to something completely unrelated - another convo excerpt, followed by a story:
Me: Will you see this movie with me? It has Kiera Knightley.
Friend: No. She has no tits.
Me: I know you're a tit man, but she was hot in the Last Duchess.
Friend grins, but does not answer.
Now for the story: After seeing the Last Duchess with this same friend, and having a similiar discussion with him abotu Kiera Knightley's breasts, I was giving a presentation about Georgian Era England to some students in school - or maybe even it was in class, with the professor there - I don't remember. These students were completely flummoxed and had no idea of what Georgian England was, so to spice things up, rather than giving dry historical facts, I decided to give them a pop-culture reference - "Come on, they just made a movie about it - you know, the movie about the Duchess of Devonshire, starring that hot actress with really small breasts!" The students were too shocked to answer - I think at this point the TA remembered the name of the movie, and I actually got an A on the presenation, which was about the objectification of African people in Georgian era cartoon porn.
It's one of those moments I would be embarrassed about if I didn't find it so amusing.
yes, I have an obsession with cognitive psychology
I beleive that anger stems from disempowerment. But first, let me distinguish between anger and between upset: Upset is when you are displeased, hurt, or aggrivated by something. This does not need to turn into anger: You can simply sit down with X and calmly explain to him/her why this upset you, and then look for ways to remedy the situation (if possible). Not doing so is not 'being nice", but rather, it is having a dishonest relationship in which the frustration from all the times you kept quiet will probably boil over into spectacular anger at the point when it becomes too much to keep inside, and the other person will be shocked, because since you never communicated, they never even knew they were doing something wrong.
Anger is when instead of having this effective discussion, you express your upset in ineffective and hurtful ways - yelling, cursing, etc. Not only does this harm your relationship, but also, it often prevents the real issue that upset you from being discussed, either because you are expressing that you are upset instead of why you are upset, or because in reaction to your anger the other person becomes defensive or angry.
That is why I beleive in a) having those productive conversations, which prevent anger b) deconstructing your own anger, by working back through the fight chronologically, to figure out exactly what triggered your anger - by which I mean not just which remark/action by the other person, but which feelings that remark/action triggered in you that made you act inappropriately, and why that remark/action produced that feeling. It is best to do this with a notebook in hand, lest your anger deconstruction turn to mental fight rehashing, which resurrects anger, and also, because it is easier to find patterns if you write things down. I then try having discussions with people, saying, "When you say X, it makes me feel Y, because Z", so that they know how not to upset me in the future.
In general, I beleive that while (and this is pretty much straight up Cog Psych, though CBT is more popular now than straight up CT, and there is a reson for that) life presents us stimuli, how we react to those stimuli is dependent on our mental processes response to those stimuli, which is dependent on underlying schemas and assumptions that we have in our head. That is why I am a big fan of engaging in positive internal dialogue: I am confident today because I spent two years looking myself in the mirror each morning and telling myself "I am a good person. I am a human being. I am allowed to make mistakes". My previous internal dialogue was "You idiot! You made a mistake!" - and when I had that internal dialogue, I was a lot less happy. Sometimes I catch myself on the cusp of slipping back into that, especially on days when I have PMS, but luckily I catch myself most times - confidence, like happiness and lack of anger, is a process - and all of these processes depend on one's feeling empowered, which is why it is so important to a) always try one's hardest and pursue one's dreams b) pursue relationships with equal power dynamics - which revolve around openness and honesty, because without that, equality is impossible.
I heard that the Torah says "Love one's neighbor as oneself", because it is realistic: You can't love someone more than yourself, but you can love someone as much. This means that if you don't love yourself, you won't be able to love others - since you can't love them more, and you love yourself zero, you can only give them zero too.
For me, I beleive that the task of self-empowerment is crucial not only to myself, but to the people in my life, because the more self-actualized I am, the more I have to give. I woke up this morning wanting to nurture - to hug, to kiss, to smile, to say kind words, to cook - and that made me so happy, because to want to do for others is a beautiful feeling. I was also happy because I think that at the stage when you want to be in a relationship in order to give, not because you need to give to prove to yourself that you are worthy, but just because - you want to, means you are ready for a relationship. While I am currently single, I am glad to think I would be ready should someone I am interested in come knocking on my door.
Now I will have the song "Knocking on Heaven's Door" stuck in my head for a solid hour. Shabbat shalom everyone - may our lives be blessed with love and kindness, and may we all have the desire to nurture each other.
Anger is when instead of having this effective discussion, you express your upset in ineffective and hurtful ways - yelling, cursing, etc. Not only does this harm your relationship, but also, it often prevents the real issue that upset you from being discussed, either because you are expressing that you are upset instead of why you are upset, or because in reaction to your anger the other person becomes defensive or angry.
That is why I beleive in a) having those productive conversations, which prevent anger b) deconstructing your own anger, by working back through the fight chronologically, to figure out exactly what triggered your anger - by which I mean not just which remark/action by the other person, but which feelings that remark/action triggered in you that made you act inappropriately, and why that remark/action produced that feeling. It is best to do this with a notebook in hand, lest your anger deconstruction turn to mental fight rehashing, which resurrects anger, and also, because it is easier to find patterns if you write things down. I then try having discussions with people, saying, "When you say X, it makes me feel Y, because Z", so that they know how not to upset me in the future.
In general, I beleive that while (and this is pretty much straight up Cog Psych, though CBT is more popular now than straight up CT, and there is a reson for that) life presents us stimuli, how we react to those stimuli is dependent on our mental processes response to those stimuli, which is dependent on underlying schemas and assumptions that we have in our head. That is why I am a big fan of engaging in positive internal dialogue: I am confident today because I spent two years looking myself in the mirror each morning and telling myself "I am a good person. I am a human being. I am allowed to make mistakes". My previous internal dialogue was "You idiot! You made a mistake!" - and when I had that internal dialogue, I was a lot less happy. Sometimes I catch myself on the cusp of slipping back into that, especially on days when I have PMS, but luckily I catch myself most times - confidence, like happiness and lack of anger, is a process - and all of these processes depend on one's feeling empowered, which is why it is so important to a) always try one's hardest and pursue one's dreams b) pursue relationships with equal power dynamics - which revolve around openness and honesty, because without that, equality is impossible.
I heard that the Torah says "Love one's neighbor as oneself", because it is realistic: You can't love someone more than yourself, but you can love someone as much. This means that if you don't love yourself, you won't be able to love others - since you can't love them more, and you love yourself zero, you can only give them zero too.
For me, I beleive that the task of self-empowerment is crucial not only to myself, but to the people in my life, because the more self-actualized I am, the more I have to give. I woke up this morning wanting to nurture - to hug, to kiss, to smile, to say kind words, to cook - and that made me so happy, because to want to do for others is a beautiful feeling. I was also happy because I think that at the stage when you want to be in a relationship in order to give, not because you need to give to prove to yourself that you are worthy, but just because - you want to, means you are ready for a relationship. While I am currently single, I am glad to think I would be ready should someone I am interested in come knocking on my door.
Now I will have the song "Knocking on Heaven's Door" stuck in my head for a solid hour. Shabbat shalom everyone - may our lives be blessed with love and kindness, and may we all have the desire to nurture each other.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
on Blogging
In general, this blogging thing makes me kind of afraid: Sure, it's good for venting, and a heck of a lot cheaper than paying a shrink, but sometimes I feel like I am putting all of my negative traits out there, and exposing all my vulerabilities - and I wonder, what would someone reading this think? Here I am, exposing my jerkiest moments - I am so sure that I come off as someone not myself.
I just keep on thinking of the Blake quote from Song of Innocence - "The Truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent". I don't have bad intent, but I think substituting the words "half-truth - sometimes even if that half-truth is told with good intent" for the first half of the sentence, would have it still hold true - and that is what scares me about blogging, because a blog can't encompass the whole truth of you - not even four blogs can encompass that truth.
We are all individuals. As Monty Python showed so brilliantly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hRZDFhn0XA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8bqQ-C1PSE
I just keep on thinking of the Blake quote from Song of Innocence - "The Truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent". I don't have bad intent, but I think substituting the words "half-truth - sometimes even if that half-truth is told with good intent" for the first half of the sentence, would have it still hold true - and that is what scares me about blogging, because a blog can't encompass the whole truth of you - not even four blogs can encompass that truth.
We are all individuals. As Monty Python showed so brilliantly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hRZDFhn0XA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8bqQ-C1PSE
Old Friends
No, I am not referring to the Simon and Garfunkel concert. I spent the night with some old friends, and it was awesome. I felt so comfortable around them - so me. We planned a) a porno flick about an Israel and American soldier who meet in a bar fight in Tel Aviv b) a porno flick involving a mikvah peephole, based on a friend's experience where a guy actually drilled a peephole into the girl's showers (yes. eugh. also, harrasment anyone?)
At one point, someone said, "Who's the sluttiest person in the room?" and everyone turned to me, and even though they were joking, it did cause me to think about the fact that most of my friends are guys, because I just seem to connect better with men. I wonder why that is. (It's not because I sleep with them - I don't. I'm actually pretty chaste in my lovelife, and pretty personal about whatever lack of chastity occurs - so don't expect to get any gossip from here :) ).
Also, we just had some great lines - most of which now elude me :(
But here is a sample excerpt of our conversation:
L: You need to clean that place of yours before you get a girl.
Me: Or you can just get a girl to clean it for you.
L: Yeah, but then she'll burn you and leave.
Me and E at the same time: But that's ok, because you can then use the now-clean place to get another girl.
L: Who's the mysogynist now?
E: You are so manipulative - women are so manipulative. You're so mean to each other.
L: And men - we're also mean to men.
E: What do you call a woman who hates women?
E: A woman.
Then, we got into a discussion about whether or not the word "dom" was real in Scrabble, at which point I used the phrase "my S&M friends", which I immediately realized made it sound like I was an S&M fiend - which of course will become another thing for them to tease me about. This crowd hasn't forgotten that "Israeli men are so hard" comment I made at 13, so let's see how long this gaffe remains in their memory.
Also, at one point: L: It's not long enough. Me: That's what she said.
So yeah, those are my friends. I love them to peices.
At one point, someone said, "Who's the sluttiest person in the room?" and everyone turned to me, and even though they were joking, it did cause me to think about the fact that most of my friends are guys, because I just seem to connect better with men. I wonder why that is. (It's not because I sleep with them - I don't. I'm actually pretty chaste in my lovelife, and pretty personal about whatever lack of chastity occurs - so don't expect to get any gossip from here :) ).
Also, we just had some great lines - most of which now elude me :(
But here is a sample excerpt of our conversation:
L: You need to clean that place of yours before you get a girl.
Me: Or you can just get a girl to clean it for you.
L: Yeah, but then she'll burn you and leave.
Me and E at the same time: But that's ok, because you can then use the now-clean place to get another girl.
L: Who's the mysogynist now?
E: You are so manipulative - women are so manipulative. You're so mean to each other.
L: And men - we're also mean to men.
E: What do you call a woman who hates women?
E: A woman.
Then, we got into a discussion about whether or not the word "dom" was real in Scrabble, at which point I used the phrase "my S&M friends", which I immediately realized made it sound like I was an S&M fiend - which of course will become another thing for them to tease me about. This crowd hasn't forgotten that "Israeli men are so hard" comment I made at 13, so let's see how long this gaffe remains in their memory.
Also, at one point: L: It's not long enough. Me: That's what she said.
So yeah, those are my friends. I love them to peices.
On NYC
Thank God, I live a relatively anger-free life - that is such a blessing. I can't really think of anything friends of mine have done to anger me. Of course, with parents, there are "bigger issues", but on a daily basis, we get along - I put a lot into making our home a loving environment, and I used to think it didn't pay off, because it seemed like my parents were not reciprocating, but now I see that while the change took a while, it did come - which just shows that you should always try, and that even if it seems like you're not getting through to someone, don't give up - it might just take time. Also, big kudos to my parents - as human beings, changing ourselves is one of the hardest things in life, but my parents did it when they saw it was important to me.
I wrote this to a friend of mine about being back in NY, and wanted to share it with you (I don't really know who reads this blog - but whoever you are - Hi. Happy Thanksgiving.)
Being back here reminds me of everything I love about the city and everything I hate: The beauty, the energy, the culture - the decadence, the obsession with aesthetics and appearances - this city lights you on fire and consumes you like a flame. And the more she burns you, the more you love her for her passion.
I wrote this to a friend of mine about being back in NY, and wanted to share it with you (I don't really know who reads this blog - but whoever you are - Hi. Happy Thanksgiving.)
Being back here reminds me of everything I love about the city and everything I hate: The beauty, the energy, the culture - the decadence, the obsession with aesthetics and appearances - this city lights you on fire and consumes you like a flame. And the more she burns you, the more you love her for her passion.
It is really hard to avoid lashon hara at major meals. Does anyone have suggestions? I take lashon hara very seriously because I view it not just as a halachik violation, but also as a violation of a moral code - which is not to say I don't slip up, but it is to say I would like to get better.
Today we were discussing an institution at dinner that I felt much feminist rage towards. I expressed this rage at the time, feeling it was important to "get the word out", but after I wondered - how much does getting the word out to five people help? How much of it was my just needing to vent my rage - which goes into lashon hara territory?
Furthermore, I was told that a major question in shidduchs today is: What is s/he like in anger? In the wake of my storming out of the Thanksgiving meal, I am asking myself that question. It's funny - most of the things that anger me are ideological - I tend to beleive in forgiving for the sake of forgiving, in choosing not to get mad at you even if you've done something "objectively wrong", because not being an angry person, and having a good and peaceful relationship with you are both more important than whatever wrong was done - I guess its a position of being so firm in the rightness of my position that I don't need to get angry. When I do get angry, it's like a wave - it rises high, but it passes quickly, and my anger just evaporates. I have never cursed out anyone and I don't think I've said things I don't mean in anger - but I have said hurtful truths.
I feel scared writing about anger. What if tomorrow I experience this unbearable anger, and it makes everything I have written today retroactively false? That's the thing with anger - being a non-angry person is a constant endeavor, and if you stop working on your anger management for a minute than you are likely to slide backwards.
The thing is, I don't regret tonight's anger - I am totally fine with being the kind of person who storms out of a room when insulted by a jerk, as long as I am having loving, non-angry relationships with my family and friends.
Today we were discussing an institution at dinner that I felt much feminist rage towards. I expressed this rage at the time, feeling it was important to "get the word out", but after I wondered - how much does getting the word out to five people help? How much of it was my just needing to vent my rage - which goes into lashon hara territory?
Furthermore, I was told that a major question in shidduchs today is: What is s/he like in anger? In the wake of my storming out of the Thanksgiving meal, I am asking myself that question. It's funny - most of the things that anger me are ideological - I tend to beleive in forgiving for the sake of forgiving, in choosing not to get mad at you even if you've done something "objectively wrong", because not being an angry person, and having a good and peaceful relationship with you are both more important than whatever wrong was done - I guess its a position of being so firm in the rightness of my position that I don't need to get angry. When I do get angry, it's like a wave - it rises high, but it passes quickly, and my anger just evaporates. I have never cursed out anyone and I don't think I've said things I don't mean in anger - but I have said hurtful truths.
I feel scared writing about anger. What if tomorrow I experience this unbearable anger, and it makes everything I have written today retroactively false? That's the thing with anger - being a non-angry person is a constant endeavor, and if you stop working on your anger management for a minute than you are likely to slide backwards.
The thing is, I don't regret tonight's anger - I am totally fine with being the kind of person who storms out of a room when insulted by a jerk, as long as I am having loving, non-angry relationships with my family and friends.
My TV Moment
Apparently I have inherited my mother's penchant for telenovella moments:
A man was invited to the Thanksgiving feast I was at. This man annoyed me the entire evening by playing the role of the know-it-all, discussing issues I know about but refusing to let me or anyone else get a word in edge-wise, and completely discounting any of my opinions: The correct Yiddish term for this man would be baal gayva - the correct Hebrew term, gaavtan, the correct Portuguese/Spanish term - burro.
After playing polite the entire evening, at a feast I had pushed myself to go to despite not being in the mood, the topic of my old university came up. As the man lauded the merits of a place I despised, and as he asked me questions about it, I told him my answers would be biased, because, to sum up my feelings about the institution - if it got burned down, PROVIDED THAT NO ONE WAS HURT IN ANY WAY, I would not regret it.
The man then told me that God had not judged my college, but rather my elementary/highschool, which recently burned in a fire where no one was injured, so what did I make of that?
At that moment, I shot back a) it was presumptious to assume I beleived in a God who gets involved in our world (side-note: I do in fact beleive in a God who gets involved in our world) b) We can't look at institutions or people who go through bad experiences and assume they are bad- that is the entire message of the book of Job.
My mom then mentioned a case of a good rabbi she knew whose house suffered a fire, at which point the man told my mother angrily that it is only because I said I wanted (apparently "not regretting" and "actively wanting" are the same) my college to burn in a fire, and I didn't care if people got hurt - because obviously no one getting hurt was impossible (Hi. Did you not hear the huge "if' in my sentence?) that he was having this discussion.
I then got up, told the man I would not lie to him by saying it had been a pleasure meeting him, thanked everyone else for their company, and stormed off - only to return and ask my father for my keys, at which point the host laughed and called me "anti-climactic". "Maybe it's anti-climactic, but I refuse to stay at a table where I am insulted", I replied, storming off once more.
I feel feiry and happy that I stood up for myself.
A man was invited to the Thanksgiving feast I was at. This man annoyed me the entire evening by playing the role of the know-it-all, discussing issues I know about but refusing to let me or anyone else get a word in edge-wise, and completely discounting any of my opinions: The correct Yiddish term for this man would be baal gayva - the correct Hebrew term, gaavtan, the correct Portuguese/Spanish term - burro.
After playing polite the entire evening, at a feast I had pushed myself to go to despite not being in the mood, the topic of my old university came up. As the man lauded the merits of a place I despised, and as he asked me questions about it, I told him my answers would be biased, because, to sum up my feelings about the institution - if it got burned down, PROVIDED THAT NO ONE WAS HURT IN ANY WAY, I would not regret it.
The man then told me that God had not judged my college, but rather my elementary/highschool, which recently burned in a fire where no one was injured, so what did I make of that?
At that moment, I shot back a) it was presumptious to assume I beleived in a God who gets involved in our world (side-note: I do in fact beleive in a God who gets involved in our world) b) We can't look at institutions or people who go through bad experiences and assume they are bad- that is the entire message of the book of Job.
My mom then mentioned a case of a good rabbi she knew whose house suffered a fire, at which point the man told my mother angrily that it is only because I said I wanted (apparently "not regretting" and "actively wanting" are the same) my college to burn in a fire, and I didn't care if people got hurt - because obviously no one getting hurt was impossible (Hi. Did you not hear the huge "if' in my sentence?) that he was having this discussion.
I then got up, told the man I would not lie to him by saying it had been a pleasure meeting him, thanked everyone else for their company, and stormed off - only to return and ask my father for my keys, at which point the host laughed and called me "anti-climactic". "Maybe it's anti-climactic, but I refuse to stay at a table where I am insulted", I replied, storming off once more.
I feel feiry and happy that I stood up for myself.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Plans? Perhaps?
So neither of the friends I am staying with has a traditional 9-5 job, though they are both employed and work hard. Their non-traditional job schedule allows them to spend more time with their kids and with each other.
This has led me to do a lot of thinking: The types of 9-5 jobs I am interested in are in the public policy/law realm, but I have also hesitated to enter the realm for a few reasons: 1. Those realms are not 9-5, but take more time 2. I am not sure I am the 9-5 job type - but is this a valid reason, or simply a case of the "I can't"s? 3. I am afraid of becoming corrupt, since these realms are corrupting, or of having a job that is just busy-work for some non-profit, and hence unfulfilling.
I got a certificate in teaching English over the summer, and more and more I am just leaning towards getting that certificate validated by the Israeli authorities/taking extra courses if necessary, training to tutor people for SATs, which I think there is a niche market for in Jerusalem and which I could be good at, while also getting an MA in Jewish education, and teaching Jewish studies. I wonder if such a course would be intellectually fulfilling however, and also if the micro efforts to change society by affecting the lives of the individual children who comprise its next generation would lead to dissatisfaction that I'm not doing anything on a macro scale - which maybe I could do if I went for a PHD in Jewish ed and tried affecting Jewish education policies and curriculums in the Israeli public education system. I would also like to institute "shabbat exchange" program, where different students went to houses of people from other segments of Israeli society for shabbat, though organizing Orthodox people visiting secular homes could prove tricky. I do think that part of a good Jewish education means knowing what a traditional, technology-free shabbat is like, not because of religious reasons, but because this is what observants shabbats were like for our ancestors, and because knowing what is being spoken of when someone speaks of a dati shabbat is important for improving understanding between religious and secular segments of society.
I have a friend who is pregnant and we've been having lots of conversations about her pregnancy, and the whole thing has made me think about doula-ing as well: I find the entire process of pregnancy fascinating and would love to find out more about it from a medical perspective, and to help women physically and emotionally through this life-giving process, including the adjustment of having a new baby. Also, I found it really fulfilling to care for my grandparents in the hospital, but found the death and sadness that surrounded me to be depressing. Doula-ing involves caring for people, often in hospital settings, but minus the whole "depressing" aspect - God-willing, assuming things go well, it is for happy reasons one is providing this care.
Maybe I can combine these careers: Teaching English and Jewish Studies part-time in school settings while also SAT tutoring and Doula-ing and maybe going for a PHD in Jewish Ed?
Hopefully such a schedule would give me time to seriously blog about politics and society, as well as to write (by which I mean creative writing).
This has led me to do a lot of thinking: The types of 9-5 jobs I am interested in are in the public policy/law realm, but I have also hesitated to enter the realm for a few reasons: 1. Those realms are not 9-5, but take more time 2. I am not sure I am the 9-5 job type - but is this a valid reason, or simply a case of the "I can't"s? 3. I am afraid of becoming corrupt, since these realms are corrupting, or of having a job that is just busy-work for some non-profit, and hence unfulfilling.
I got a certificate in teaching English over the summer, and more and more I am just leaning towards getting that certificate validated by the Israeli authorities/taking extra courses if necessary, training to tutor people for SATs, which I think there is a niche market for in Jerusalem and which I could be good at, while also getting an MA in Jewish education, and teaching Jewish studies. I wonder if such a course would be intellectually fulfilling however, and also if the micro efforts to change society by affecting the lives of the individual children who comprise its next generation would lead to dissatisfaction that I'm not doing anything on a macro scale - which maybe I could do if I went for a PHD in Jewish ed and tried affecting Jewish education policies and curriculums in the Israeli public education system. I would also like to institute "shabbat exchange" program, where different students went to houses of people from other segments of Israeli society for shabbat, though organizing Orthodox people visiting secular homes could prove tricky. I do think that part of a good Jewish education means knowing what a traditional, technology-free shabbat is like, not because of religious reasons, but because this is what observants shabbats were like for our ancestors, and because knowing what is being spoken of when someone speaks of a dati shabbat is important for improving understanding between religious and secular segments of society.
I have a friend who is pregnant and we've been having lots of conversations about her pregnancy, and the whole thing has made me think about doula-ing as well: I find the entire process of pregnancy fascinating and would love to find out more about it from a medical perspective, and to help women physically and emotionally through this life-giving process, including the adjustment of having a new baby. Also, I found it really fulfilling to care for my grandparents in the hospital, but found the death and sadness that surrounded me to be depressing. Doula-ing involves caring for people, often in hospital settings, but minus the whole "depressing" aspect - God-willing, assuming things go well, it is for happy reasons one is providing this care.
Maybe I can combine these careers: Teaching English and Jewish Studies part-time in school settings while also SAT tutoring and Doula-ing and maybe going for a PHD in Jewish Ed?
Hopefully such a schedule would give me time to seriously blog about politics and society, as well as to write (by which I mean creative writing).
Friend Info
So I've been staying with my really awesome friends. They are awesome for many reasons. Here are just a few:
1. They are smart and have intelligent conversations about society, parsha, and sex
2. They are honest and supportive
3. They are kind
4. They are letting me live in their basement
5. They are funny
6. Their kids are adorable.
This information may be relevant to future blog posts.
1. They are smart and have intelligent conversations about society, parsha, and sex
2. They are honest and supportive
3. They are kind
4. They are letting me live in their basement
5. They are funny
6. Their kids are adorable.
This information may be relevant to future blog posts.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Hmmm...once more
Ok, so all of shabbat I wondered: If the man from Friday had been a non-Jew talking about being some sort of vigilante group that harmed Jews, how would I responded? Answer: Assuming these were a) actions that did not cross a certain line in terms of violence threshhold b) in the past c) not told in a bragging manner - I think I would listen, even though of course I would dissaprove of the actions, because I beleive in trying to listen to people and to understand, even if one does not agree.
But there are certain lines - rape and murder, serious beating up - that probably would cause me to walk out of the room, no matter who was doing the act (Jew or not) and who was being harmed (Jew or not). Does it make me bad persont that I would not want to listen to such people, or would it make me a bad person if I did want to listen to such people? Where is the line in separating between judging a person, and judging their action? To me, rape and murder are always inexcusable. There are lesser acts where I might say, "S/he is a good person, who did a bad thing."
Also, during a conversation on shabbat, my host made a feminist comment, gestured to me and said, "Her feminism is rubbing off on me". :)
But there are certain lines - rape and murder, serious beating up - that probably would cause me to walk out of the room, no matter who was doing the act (Jew or not) and who was being harmed (Jew or not). Does it make me bad persont that I would not want to listen to such people, or would it make me a bad person if I did want to listen to such people? Where is the line in separating between judging a person, and judging their action? To me, rape and murder are always inexcusable. There are lesser acts where I might say, "S/he is a good person, who did a bad thing."
Also, during a conversation on shabbat, my host made a feminist comment, gestured to me and said, "Her feminism is rubbing off on me". :)
Friday, November 18, 2011
Interesting Conversation
I got into a huge conversation with my friend's cleaning-man today: Turns out he is from Cleveland, is a dead-head, ran his own non-profit at one point, was involved in Israel advocacy youth programming, and was part of a Jewish vigilante group that went after anti-Semites in Cleveland*. I'm not saying I condone his actions, but I do enjoy hearing people's crazy life stories.
Behold, the power of words - how different the world would be if we all just took more time to speak to each other, both to produce words and to listen to those produced by others, once in a while.
* They vandalized property and got into bar fights. If he would have spoken about serious violence, I probably would have walked out of the room or started yelling. As it is, the stuff he mentioned was mild enough to be on the "wild youth" side - it didn't sound like he seriously hurt people. So I was able to listen, knowing that I condemn his actions, but that he is going through a tough time and needed to talk, and it was not the moment to verbalize that condemnation.
Behold, the power of words - how different the world would be if we all just took more time to speak to each other, both to produce words and to listen to those produced by others, once in a while.
* They vandalized property and got into bar fights. If he would have spoken about serious violence, I probably would have walked out of the room or started yelling. As it is, the stuff he mentioned was mild enough to be on the "wild youth" side - it didn't sound like he seriously hurt people. So I was able to listen, knowing that I condemn his actions, but that he is going through a tough time and needed to talk, and it was not the moment to verbalize that condemnation.
Rainfall
I heard once that God purposefully gave the Jews a land with rainfall issues, to make them conscious of the fact that rain comes from God, to force them to turn to God in prayer for rain and thus to form meaningful relationships with Him - which I am using because English has no gender-neutral pronoun.
A few nights ago, I was babysitting. It was raining, and the boy was so excited - we spoke about the prayer "veten tal u matar" (and give dew and rain) and about how Hashem had answered our prayers for rain.
I think in general, Israeli culture is more resource-conscious than American culture. There is this concept that water is precious and should not be wasted, and a concsiousness of water levels and the importance of rain. In the US, there is always electrically-produced hot water in middle class households/upper-middle/upper class households. Israelis - even middle/upper-middle class - use the sun for hot water in the summer, instead of electricity, and only turn on the electric hot water half an hour before showering, to heat up water for their shower. They don't have their pipes producing hot water and wasting electricity all day - in part because electricity is expensive. There is also a consciousness to shut off lights and appliances when not in use that I think many Americans lack.
This consciousness of resources and lack of wastefulness is something about Israeli culture that I admire. I think this consciousness is due in part to Israel's waterfall issues, though it does also stem from the state's socialist, bare bones beginnings - which were dependent on agriculture that depended on rainfall.
A few nights ago, I was babysitting. It was raining, and the boy was so excited - we spoke about the prayer "veten tal u matar" (and give dew and rain) and about how Hashem had answered our prayers for rain.
I think in general, Israeli culture is more resource-conscious than American culture. There is this concept that water is precious and should not be wasted, and a concsiousness of water levels and the importance of rain. In the US, there is always electrically-produced hot water in middle class households/upper-middle/upper class households. Israelis - even middle/upper-middle class - use the sun for hot water in the summer, instead of electricity, and only turn on the electric hot water half an hour before showering, to heat up water for their shower. They don't have their pipes producing hot water and wasting electricity all day - in part because electricity is expensive. There is also a consciousness to shut off lights and appliances when not in use that I think many Americans lack.
This consciousness of resources and lack of wastefulness is something about Israeli culture that I admire. I think this consciousness is due in part to Israel's waterfall issues, though it does also stem from the state's socialist, bare bones beginnings - which were dependent on agriculture that depended on rainfall.
No and Boundaries
Today I feel like a failure. I was supposed to go to a friend's for shabbat, but she didn't get back to me to confirm til Thursday night, by which time I was sick and psyched out of going. Instead of pushing myself - which was the right thing to do, because this person is awesome and I'm sure I'd have fun with her, and because I made a commitment - I bailed. I've been pushing myself a lot recently in a lot of different ways, and just reached a point where I could push myself no longer.
The right thing to do would have been to recognize my boundaries and turn down the invitation, but I am a) bad at recognizing my own limits b) bad at saying no to people. Sometimes I want to, but I literally can not verbalize the words. I can't even tell you how much trouble this has gotten me into viz a viz guys, even though I am pretty good at verbalizing sexual boundaries at the start of a relationship, though I can't honestly say no border of mine has been breached. I would like to think that the border-breaching was from another era, when I stayed in relationships that were bad for me because I was trying to fill a hole inside me (God, that is such a bad metaphor to use when talking about anything even remotely related to sex, especially if you're a straight woman), that I finally realized could only be filled by me - and that I finally realized I had the power to fill.
Anyhow, my troubles saying "no" continue to haunt me, romantically and otherwise. A friend of mine told me he thinks an inability to say no stems from having a good heart. I hope so. I want to have a good heart, to be a kind person, to be a person who knows how to laugh and to hug and to listen to others. I pray that God helps me on that path.
The right thing to do would have been to recognize my boundaries and turn down the invitation, but I am a) bad at recognizing my own limits b) bad at saying no to people. Sometimes I want to, but I literally can not verbalize the words. I can't even tell you how much trouble this has gotten me into viz a viz guys, even though I am pretty good at verbalizing sexual boundaries at the start of a relationship, though I can't honestly say no border of mine has been breached. I would like to think that the border-breaching was from another era, when I stayed in relationships that were bad for me because I was trying to fill a hole inside me (God, that is such a bad metaphor to use when talking about anything even remotely related to sex, especially if you're a straight woman), that I finally realized could only be filled by me - and that I finally realized I had the power to fill.
Anyhow, my troubles saying "no" continue to haunt me, romantically and otherwise. A friend of mine told me he thinks an inability to say no stems from having a good heart. I hope so. I want to have a good heart, to be a kind person, to be a person who knows how to laugh and to hug and to listen to others. I pray that God helps me on that path.
Youtube, Youtube, everybody, everywhere.. Youtube, Youtube, everybody come and share.
Ok, so a few youtube links. I sang this song at Kareoke yesterday, love it and decided to share, as well as a cool Brazilian version by Gilberto Gil - actually knew the Gil version before the Marley version, which makes sense, seeing as how I am half-Brazilian and everything....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64QkD5pBWWE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSNlwlfw6DY
Also, this Ted talk came up in conversation yesterday - I am sharing it because it's pretty amazing:
http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64QkD5pBWWE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSNlwlfw6DY
Also, this Ted talk came up in conversation yesterday - I am sharing it because it's pretty amazing:
http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html
Public Transportation
Clearly, between being productive and bloggin, I'll choose blogging - also, need to get in my technology fix before shabbat:
I love the snippets of conversation one overhears on public transportation, and imagining life-stories for my fellow passengers. I waited for the bus the other day with a well-dressed woman whose boot was slightly torn by the heel, and I kept on wondering if she was aware of the tear, if the heel would break while she was out, what kind of store she bought the boot in, and what she was feeling at the time.
This woman started talking on her cell, and I overheard her saying, "Once he's a liar, he's a liar - how do you know he's not lying now?", and immediately knew she was talking to her friend about her friend's boyfriend. As the conversation progressed, I found out that this friend's boyfriend was married, that they had recently told each other their first "I love you"s, and that they were in a fight and hadn't seen each other for a week - all during a ten minute bus wait!
That is what I love about public transportation - for a moment, we are each sharing each other's lives, partners in the goal of getting to where we need to get to, and in the process, we learn about each other, either through listening in on conversations, or through actual interactions.
I love the snippets of conversation one overhears on public transportation, and imagining life-stories for my fellow passengers. I waited for the bus the other day with a well-dressed woman whose boot was slightly torn by the heel, and I kept on wondering if she was aware of the tear, if the heel would break while she was out, what kind of store she bought the boot in, and what she was feeling at the time.
This woman started talking on her cell, and I overheard her saying, "Once he's a liar, he's a liar - how do you know he's not lying now?", and immediately knew she was talking to her friend about her friend's boyfriend. As the conversation progressed, I found out that this friend's boyfriend was married, that they had recently told each other their first "I love you"s, and that they were in a fight and hadn't seen each other for a week - all during a ten minute bus wait!
That is what I love about public transportation - for a moment, we are each sharing each other's lives, partners in the goal of getting to where we need to get to, and in the process, we learn about each other, either through listening in on conversations, or through actual interactions.
Friendships
I was thinking recently how great it is to be with old friends, the type you don't have to justify yourself to, who know where you're coming from - this is especially useful when talk of parents comes up, and you friends already know your parents, and they get it. I also told my friend everything going on in my life, and instead of either a) blaming me b) pitying me, he just accepted it and was supportive.
My friend, who knows I want to be a writer, asked why I don't write a book of what's happening to me, but the truth is, I wouldn't know how to begin. I sit here blogging about profound thoughts and small moments, but to blog about the facts of my life, to write about them - how scary and intimate. How do I form a cohesive narrative when I am my own protagonist?
I also realized that I need to trust myself more. For example, recently, a subject was mentioned in passing, instinct told me not to pursue it, but I did anyway, and that was a mistake. I need to let my friendships with people be guided more by my instinct, because a) thank God that instict is usually right b) that instinct is who I am, and friendships can only be authentic if we approach them being our authentic selves.
So here's to authenticity, my friends.
PS - Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" is playing in the background. This makes me happy :)
My friend, who knows I want to be a writer, asked why I don't write a book of what's happening to me, but the truth is, I wouldn't know how to begin. I sit here blogging about profound thoughts and small moments, but to blog about the facts of my life, to write about them - how scary and intimate. How do I form a cohesive narrative when I am my own protagonist?
I also realized that I need to trust myself more. For example, recently, a subject was mentioned in passing, instinct told me not to pursue it, but I did anyway, and that was a mistake. I need to let my friendships with people be guided more by my instinct, because a) thank God that instict is usually right b) that instinct is who I am, and friendships can only be authentic if we approach them being our authentic selves.
So here's to authenticity, my friends.
PS - Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" is playing in the background. This makes me happy :)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wow, why is this update all about sex? Do I have a one-track mind?
A lot has happened. First of all, thank God, I've been having lots of good social experiences this past week - lots of time spent chilling with friends. Also, I finally bought a new book so I have something to read - I wanted to get Catch-22, but couldn't find it, so got Supersad True Love Story by Gary Shteingart, whose work I enjoy.
A few quotes from recent convos:
1. Did you kill or rape someone in a past life to have the kind of really bad karma you must have if all these things are happening to you? Your life sounds like a Virginia Wolf novel - please promise me you won't go drown yourself in a river.
Me: Well, I was thinking of going to the Jordan...
Friend: But then you'd make it tameh!
Me: My final act of heresy.
(I am not suicidal, thank God. We were joking.)
2. Me: What bothers me isn't the discomfort of having a cold - its that its so unattractive to walk around with a box of tissues.
Friend: You are your mother's daughter.
3. Friend: Maybe you should be a teacher.
Me: I'd make the worst teacher - "I don't know whether or not God exists, but you should beleive in Him. You don't have to be shomer negiah, but don't sleep around, and make sure to use a condom."
Friend: No, I think that would make you a good teacher - they'd really listen to you.
I actually have been thinking about this conversation, because I do think there is a tendency to teach things to teenagers in black and white, assuming they are not ready for complexity, which usually makes them insulted and winds up backfiring. I think there is also an assumption that people will be "less religious" than their education preaches, so preach a tad to the right of what you want your students to be - which also backfires. I think a good example of this is shomrut negiah - if people were taught about mikvah and about "meaningful" and "unmeaningful" physical intimacy, and about the spectrum of physical intimacy and drawing their own boundaries about what type of touching should be meaningful, and thus reserved for relationships, would be much more succesful than "Be shomer/et" lectures.
I once asked a rabbi why the rabbis didn't have girls go to mikvah starting in puberty, since not having women immerse does not produce shomer behavior as much as it produces violations of niddah. He explained that allowing women to immerse would make it seem like rabbis condone pre-marital sex. I then asked why rabbis didn't have girls go to mikvah starting in puberty, but have men and women at bar/bat mitzvah sign contracts to not have pre-marital sexual intercourse. Then it would be quite clear that the rabbis don't condone pre-marital sex. The rabbi replied that such contracts could be broken - but of course, anything can be broken - breaking one's word is taken seriously in Jewish law. This lack of trust is insulting - if you are asking me to refrain from sex, I need more than an "I don't want to appear like I approve of pre-marital sex" as the reason you impose laws on me that would make me be overet on an issur deoraita if I slept around - and I assure you, if I feel that at 23, I felt it more strongly at 18, and so do most teenagers - especially because that's when hormones are so crazy.
I do focus a lot on sex in my arguments, bc a) many of the halachas that I think are the hardest to justify rationally/are theoretically problematic in how they developed/are influenced by society - are in that realm b) bc sexuality is so integral to being human, I think that's where a lot of people's frustrations build up, and often this frustration can lead one on a path of abandonment of the religious lifestyle - especially because we are taught it's black and white, so it's like "Once I'm not observing sexual halachot and am a sinner, I might as well go all the way and have fun".
On that subject: I did not let myself get drunk tonight because I was afraid of being drunk and lonely, but thank God, I am feeling sober and happy. I was called beautiful tonight, and while I do not know when I will see this person again, and am not looking for a relationship with them (or a one-night stand either, for that matter), I was really happy to be called that. I was happy spcifically because it wasn't a pickup, which means there were no ulterior motives. The last time someone called me "beautiful' (before tonight) was when they were trying to get me into bed.
I have been measuring my health in my horniness: Earlier this week I was thinking about pearl necklaces (its a sexual move - look it up) so I was confident I was on the road to recovery. Then I was back to only longing for cuddling, so I knew I was worse. Tonight, I felt like assuming the right circumstances, leaving aside religion, etc., I would respond to sexual overtures, which is exciting, and means hopefully I am on my way to getting better.
I also saw a great movie starring Elizabeth Taylor, in which she asks how her lover could have revealed their secret to his wife "That's private! Isn't the romantic relationship between lovers at least as sacred of that between confessor and worshipper, lawyer and client, doctor and patient, isn't it just as holy?". That really stuck with me. The movie also dealth with the concept of loving two people at once and how self-development affects relationships, and how we can inspire each other - it's called "Love for Adults", or something like that, which kind of makes it sound like porn.
Also, revelation about songs: Half are about wanting sex. The other half are about having had sex and things turned out badly.
A few quotes from recent convos:
1. Did you kill or rape someone in a past life to have the kind of really bad karma you must have if all these things are happening to you? Your life sounds like a Virginia Wolf novel - please promise me you won't go drown yourself in a river.
Me: Well, I was thinking of going to the Jordan...
Friend: But then you'd make it tameh!
Me: My final act of heresy.
(I am not suicidal, thank God. We were joking.)
2. Me: What bothers me isn't the discomfort of having a cold - its that its so unattractive to walk around with a box of tissues.
Friend: You are your mother's daughter.
3. Friend: Maybe you should be a teacher.
Me: I'd make the worst teacher - "I don't know whether or not God exists, but you should beleive in Him. You don't have to be shomer negiah, but don't sleep around, and make sure to use a condom."
Friend: No, I think that would make you a good teacher - they'd really listen to you.
I actually have been thinking about this conversation, because I do think there is a tendency to teach things to teenagers in black and white, assuming they are not ready for complexity, which usually makes them insulted and winds up backfiring. I think there is also an assumption that people will be "less religious" than their education preaches, so preach a tad to the right of what you want your students to be - which also backfires. I think a good example of this is shomrut negiah - if people were taught about mikvah and about "meaningful" and "unmeaningful" physical intimacy, and about the spectrum of physical intimacy and drawing their own boundaries about what type of touching should be meaningful, and thus reserved for relationships, would be much more succesful than "Be shomer/et" lectures.
I once asked a rabbi why the rabbis didn't have girls go to mikvah starting in puberty, since not having women immerse does not produce shomer behavior as much as it produces violations of niddah. He explained that allowing women to immerse would make it seem like rabbis condone pre-marital sex. I then asked why rabbis didn't have girls go to mikvah starting in puberty, but have men and women at bar/bat mitzvah sign contracts to not have pre-marital sexual intercourse. Then it would be quite clear that the rabbis don't condone pre-marital sex. The rabbi replied that such contracts could be broken - but of course, anything can be broken - breaking one's word is taken seriously in Jewish law. This lack of trust is insulting - if you are asking me to refrain from sex, I need more than an "I don't want to appear like I approve of pre-marital sex" as the reason you impose laws on me that would make me be overet on an issur deoraita if I slept around - and I assure you, if I feel that at 23, I felt it more strongly at 18, and so do most teenagers - especially because that's when hormones are so crazy.
I do focus a lot on sex in my arguments, bc a) many of the halachas that I think are the hardest to justify rationally/are theoretically problematic in how they developed/are influenced by society - are in that realm b) bc sexuality is so integral to being human, I think that's where a lot of people's frustrations build up, and often this frustration can lead one on a path of abandonment of the religious lifestyle - especially because we are taught it's black and white, so it's like "Once I'm not observing sexual halachot and am a sinner, I might as well go all the way and have fun".
On that subject: I did not let myself get drunk tonight because I was afraid of being drunk and lonely, but thank God, I am feeling sober and happy. I was called beautiful tonight, and while I do not know when I will see this person again, and am not looking for a relationship with them (or a one-night stand either, for that matter), I was really happy to be called that. I was happy spcifically because it wasn't a pickup, which means there were no ulterior motives. The last time someone called me "beautiful' (before tonight) was when they were trying to get me into bed.
I have been measuring my health in my horniness: Earlier this week I was thinking about pearl necklaces (its a sexual move - look it up) so I was confident I was on the road to recovery. Then I was back to only longing for cuddling, so I knew I was worse. Tonight, I felt like assuming the right circumstances, leaving aside religion, etc., I would respond to sexual overtures, which is exciting, and means hopefully I am on my way to getting better.
I also saw a great movie starring Elizabeth Taylor, in which she asks how her lover could have revealed their secret to his wife "That's private! Isn't the romantic relationship between lovers at least as sacred of that between confessor and worshipper, lawyer and client, doctor and patient, isn't it just as holy?". That really stuck with me. The movie also dealth with the concept of loving two people at once and how self-development affects relationships, and how we can inspire each other - it's called "Love for Adults", or something like that, which kind of makes it sound like porn.
Also, revelation about songs: Half are about wanting sex. The other half are about having had sex and things turned out badly.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Smurfs
A friend of mine recently shared this youtube clip with me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qACNqaEkHmE
I usually try not to ingest feminism with my movies, because most things I find funny, when analyzed from a feminist perspective, are quite problematic. However, I would like to point out that the question, "Dude, what's the point of living if you don't have a dick?", in this case, is indicative of our culture's phallus-worship. There is no similiar worship reserved for female genitalia, especially female genitalia as sexual genitalia, as opposed to baby-popping canal. Imagine a similiar scene with women, with the term, "What's the point of living if you don't have a cunt?". It just wouldn't have the same ring to it. I would find it funny, but I doubt such a scene would sell well in mainsteam, male-centered culture.
Walking back from the Old City this morning, I thought about that clip, and remembered that there was a line in Sex and the City where Samantha says either "it was like being fucked by a smurf", or "it was like fucking a smurf". I tried to remember which, because the language of fucking is much more empowering and active than that of "being fucked", which places a woman in the passive sexual role (she is merely a receptacle for the man's semen) in which our patriarchal society loves to place her. I wondered, in terms of vernacular, if there is a difference - do men tend to say fuck or be fucked by, what do women say, and does it make a difference if they're talking about sex with a member of the same gender or not?
Then I thought to myself that this is why I never did drugs in high-school: If I think about such things while sober, imagine the kinds of things I'd think about while on acid - it would just be too much to handle.
I usually try not to ingest feminism with my movies, because most things I find funny, when analyzed from a feminist perspective, are quite problematic. However, I would like to point out that the question, "Dude, what's the point of living if you don't have a dick?", in this case, is indicative of our culture's phallus-worship. There is no similiar worship reserved for female genitalia, especially female genitalia as sexual genitalia, as opposed to baby-popping canal. Imagine a similiar scene with women, with the term, "What's the point of living if you don't have a cunt?". It just wouldn't have the same ring to it. I would find it funny, but I doubt such a scene would sell well in mainsteam, male-centered culture.
Walking back from the Old City this morning, I thought about that clip, and remembered that there was a line in Sex and the City where Samantha says either "it was like being fucked by a smurf", or "it was like fucking a smurf". I tried to remember which, because the language of fucking is much more empowering and active than that of "being fucked", which places a woman in the passive sexual role (she is merely a receptacle for the man's semen) in which our patriarchal society loves to place her. I wondered, in terms of vernacular, if there is a difference - do men tend to say fuck or be fucked by, what do women say, and does it make a difference if they're talking about sex with a member of the same gender or not?
Then I thought to myself that this is why I never did drugs in high-school: If I think about such things while sober, imagine the kinds of things I'd think about while on acid - it would just be too much to handle.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Disjointed Thoughts
I had a hard day at work, but loved leaving it behind to go home. It's such a great feeling - "The workday is over, I'm done". So cool.
Also, had a really nice skype conversation with my parents yesterday. I realized I miss them. I also skyped with a friend from the states, who I miss very much.
Today on the bus, I had the same time of cozy "It's winter and I'm on a bus" feeling I get in NY. This made me happy, because it means Jerusalem is becoming my home. Getting on the bus, I was annoyed at the lack of organized line, but five minutes later, I was happily thinking about my love for Israel, and I realized - I really am in love with the country! Just as with a person, I see the flaws, brush them off, and five minutes later am enamored again, full of that delicious feeling that comes just from being in their presence.
I also figured out that if I drink coffee at a certain shop, I can see the bus coming and run to the stop in time to get it, which should make future bus-waits nicer.
Ok, I have to go babysit. I feel like I had these deep profound thoughts about life on the bus, and now that I go to write them down with a ten minute time limit, those thoughts are lying in their caccoons. I hope at a later point they can become butterflies.
Also, had a really nice skype conversation with my parents yesterday. I realized I miss them. I also skyped with a friend from the states, who I miss very much.
Today on the bus, I had the same time of cozy "It's winter and I'm on a bus" feeling I get in NY. This made me happy, because it means Jerusalem is becoming my home. Getting on the bus, I was annoyed at the lack of organized line, but five minutes later, I was happily thinking about my love for Israel, and I realized - I really am in love with the country! Just as with a person, I see the flaws, brush them off, and five minutes later am enamored again, full of that delicious feeling that comes just from being in their presence.
I also figured out that if I drink coffee at a certain shop, I can see the bus coming and run to the stop in time to get it, which should make future bus-waits nicer.
Ok, I have to go babysit. I feel like I had these deep profound thoughts about life on the bus, and now that I go to write them down with a ten minute time limit, those thoughts are lying in their caccoons. I hope at a later point they can become butterflies.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Urgent Message from Stop Genocide Now/I Act for Sudan campaign
Dear Friends,
Now that the rainy season has ended, a government-sponsored ground offensive in Sudan’s Nuba Mountains has begun. Just this morning the government of Sudan bombed a refugee camp filled with those fleeing the Nuba Mountains. The problem isn’t the people of the Nuba Mountains, Blue Nile, Darfur, or Abyei. The problem is the Khartoum regime that has consistently pursued a policy of genocide against the civilians it is supposed to protect. We must continue to pressure our own government to act. Your voice is needed now.
From November 14-18, please join I Act for Sudan to demand escalated action against the Khartoum regime. Here’s how you can participate:
- Email KTJ Scott at ktj@iactivism.org to let us know you’ll be participating.
- Every day between November 14-18, take a photo of yourself holding a sign that has a daily slogan, post it to our Act for Sudan page, and tag an influential member of the administration.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/feedarticle/9940745
Jerusalem Moments
I decided to walk from my workplace in Kiryat Moshe to the 8 stop on Keren Hayesod. On the way, I stoped at a bakery, and found myself staring eye-to-eye at a homeless woman as we both looked at the same tray of sufganiyot (if you don't know what these are, please google them, and then make sure to buy them come Hanukkah). I felt so bad - I wanted to ask her if she wanted one, but what if she came there with her hard-earned begging money (I don't mean that fecisiously - begging is hard work and is humiliating) to buy something, and then I would just make her feel bad, and she would know that she looked homeless? I realized after I should have just bought two and offered her one, leaving the possibility I am a crazy nut-job who hands out sufganiyot sometimes, without harming her dignity. I realized after I left the store, having lost my appetite, and wanted to cry, and to hug someone, and wished I knew what kind of career or degree would help me fight poverty. How does one fight it? How? It is this socially endemic problem, and I just don't know - I mean, I know the micro-efforts - volunteering at soup kitchens, donating things, etc., are important, but how does one fix society to fix it on a macro scale?
At the grocery store, I got into a conversation about chocolate with these Puerto Rican tourists. Then, while in line to pay, I told the American woman whose phone convo I overheard that the Supersol on Keren Hayesod was one of the slowest and most overpriced Supersols, and wound up getting into a discussion with the guy in front of me about tent protests and Israeli banks. I love these types of casual interactions, and especially love having platonic, friendly conversations with guys - it kind of helps restore my faith in mankind (I mean man as in the gender, not "man" as in "human". How did "man" come to mean "human" again? Hello patriarchy!)
The guy in question had a cartillage earring, which made me respect him - I tend to respect people who have peircings in places that I don't. What does this say about my values? Speaking of which: http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/kant-moral/#AimMetMor
Also, I have been reading a lot of poetry online recently at www.poets.org
At the grocery store, I got into a conversation about chocolate with these Puerto Rican tourists. Then, while in line to pay, I told the American woman whose phone convo I overheard that the Supersol on Keren Hayesod was one of the slowest and most overpriced Supersols, and wound up getting into a discussion with the guy in front of me about tent protests and Israeli banks. I love these types of casual interactions, and especially love having platonic, friendly conversations with guys - it kind of helps restore my faith in mankind (I mean man as in the gender, not "man" as in "human". How did "man" come to mean "human" again? Hello patriarchy!)
The guy in question had a cartillage earring, which made me respect him - I tend to respect people who have peircings in places that I don't. What does this say about my values? Speaking of which: http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/kant-moral/#AimMetMor
Also, I have been reading a lot of poetry online recently at www.poets.org
Saturday, November 12, 2011
On My Own (I have Les Mis songs stuck in my head)
So, I had no plans for tonight. There was a time this would have super-bothered me, but thank God, I am no longer at a point where I need plans in order to prove to myself that I have friends, and I am generally good at enjoying my own company. I enjoy reading, writing, listening to music, and watching documentaries or really wacky foreign movies - all of which are easily done by oneself.
A friend said he might want to hang out later, and being phoneless, I gave him the home phone of my friends in case he wants to call when he gets into Jerusalem. I kind of regret doing that - I feel like my alone-time tonight hasn't been as productive as it could have been, because I have this feeling that at any moment I might have to do my hair and rush off into the night. Maybe I should have just told him tonight was a no, and we'd hang out another time - but since my instinct so often is to be alone, I try to force myself to say yes to social occassions. I guess ultimately there was no clear wrong or right, so I should stop beating myself up over it, especially since my "less productive" involves watching news programs and reading poetry online, which I'd like to think is not a complete waste of time.
I really would like to find free online legal Spanish and Portuguese stuff to watch online in order to practice my language skills, but so far my youtube searches have been unsuccesful -all the stuff I can dreg up (is dreg a word when used as a verb?) is too boring to watch. I get some caminho das indias clips, but never in order, which makes it impossible to follow the plot and therefore boring. Sad but true.
Also, www.poets.org has a great collection of online poetry.
A friend said he might want to hang out later, and being phoneless, I gave him the home phone of my friends in case he wants to call when he gets into Jerusalem. I kind of regret doing that - I feel like my alone-time tonight hasn't been as productive as it could have been, because I have this feeling that at any moment I might have to do my hair and rush off into the night. Maybe I should have just told him tonight was a no, and we'd hang out another time - but since my instinct so often is to be alone, I try to force myself to say yes to social occassions. I guess ultimately there was no clear wrong or right, so I should stop beating myself up over it, especially since my "less productive" involves watching news programs and reading poetry online, which I'd like to think is not a complete waste of time.
I really would like to find free online legal Spanish and Portuguese stuff to watch online in order to practice my language skills, but so far my youtube searches have been unsuccesful -all the stuff I can dreg up (is dreg a word when used as a verb?) is too boring to watch. I get some caminho das indias clips, but never in order, which makes it impossible to follow the plot and therefore boring. Sad but true.
Also, www.poets.org has a great collection of online poetry.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sivuvim
Today I missed a crucial moment in Israeli history. I define it as crucial because it was one of mass-mobilization, and anytime people mobilize for social justice or gender equality (today it was gender equality - http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/hundreds-protest-for-women-s-rights-in-rallies-across-israel-1.395044 ) I think that is crucial
How did I miss it? I will explain: I woke up late, feeling sick - I've been sick all this week. I got dressed in five minutes and headed over to the rally to protest gender inequality. On the way, I saw the following grafitti on the back of the bus-chair in front of me: "Women please go to the back of the bus" - and then, someone had written in a different pen, "sincerely, the government".
I thought how appropriate it was I was going to the rally, and was happy. A half-hour and many traffic jams later, I got off the bus early and decided to walk from the center of town to the central bus station. By the time I got to the station, I was not feeling well (as indeed, I've been sick all this week and currently have barely any speaking voice, let alone singing - did I mention this was to be a musical protests?). I circled the bridge area (the protest was to take place by the bridge by the station) for a while, couldn't find anything or hear any signs of protest, felt sicker by the minute, asked some people about the protest, they thought I was crazy, and then finally I went home.
I got to the protest at 12:30 - it was scheduled to start at 11 and end at 2 - did I miss it? I don't know.
I suppose I could mark today off as a failure, but I refuse to do so - I am marking it off as a success. I put in the effort to travel while not feeling well in order to stand up for a cause that's important to me - true, I got there a little late, but so what? True, I didn't find it - but that happens. Things happen in life. What matters is that I did the right thing - and that makes it worthwhile, and makes today a good one :)
How did I miss it? I will explain: I woke up late, feeling sick - I've been sick all this week. I got dressed in five minutes and headed over to the rally to protest gender inequality. On the way, I saw the following grafitti on the back of the bus-chair in front of me: "Women please go to the back of the bus" - and then, someone had written in a different pen, "sincerely, the government".
I thought how appropriate it was I was going to the rally, and was happy. A half-hour and many traffic jams later, I got off the bus early and decided to walk from the center of town to the central bus station. By the time I got to the station, I was not feeling well (as indeed, I've been sick all this week and currently have barely any speaking voice, let alone singing - did I mention this was to be a musical protests?). I circled the bridge area (the protest was to take place by the bridge by the station) for a while, couldn't find anything or hear any signs of protest, felt sicker by the minute, asked some people about the protest, they thought I was crazy, and then finally I went home.
I got to the protest at 12:30 - it was scheduled to start at 11 and end at 2 - did I miss it? I don't know.
I suppose I could mark today off as a failure, but I refuse to do so - I am marking it off as a success. I put in the effort to travel while not feeling well in order to stand up for a cause that's important to me - true, I got there a little late, but so what? True, I didn't find it - but that happens. Things happen in life. What matters is that I did the right thing - and that makes it worthwhile, and makes today a good one :)
Stereotypes
A note on my comedy club experience: The American-Israeli comedian who came up last specifically told the Arab he was welcome, and that he, the comedian, love all people equally regardless of race or religion.
I was then sitting with a friend the next day, a settler friend, discussing racism. She mentioned how she offered an Arab man a seat next to her on the bus, and he told her Jewish girls usually didn't want to sit next to him because he's an Arab. My settler friend was explaining how bad she felt upon hearing that. "It's true, Arabs have more rights here than in any Arab country - but that doesn't mean we're perfect". I want to use this to point out - there are plenty of settlers out there who don't hate Arabs, plenty who would even be willing to evacuate if there were peace with a Palestinian government they found trustworthy, and some, like Rabbi Froman, who'd be willing to live in a Palestinian state.
So let's not stereotype Arabs - but let's not stereotype settlers either, or stereotype anybody, really.
Shabbat shalom.
I was then sitting with a friend the next day, a settler friend, discussing racism. She mentioned how she offered an Arab man a seat next to her on the bus, and he told her Jewish girls usually didn't want to sit next to him because he's an Arab. My settler friend was explaining how bad she felt upon hearing that. "It's true, Arabs have more rights here than in any Arab country - but that doesn't mean we're perfect". I want to use this to point out - there are plenty of settlers out there who don't hate Arabs, plenty who would even be willing to evacuate if there were peace with a Palestinian government they found trustworthy, and some, like Rabbi Froman, who'd be willing to live in a Palestinian state.
So let's not stereotype Arabs - but let's not stereotype settlers either, or stereotype anybody, really.
Shabbat shalom.
Grattitude
Before I go any further, I need to thank my parents, for loving me and doing their best to provide me with a financially comfortable lifestyle. The success of their efforts is due to the kindness and mercy of God, but their efforts still deserve acknowledgment.
This is not to say there is never tension between us, but I must acknowledge the good along with the bad. Also, they made sure I got a good education, which is a big deal.
So thanks Mom and Dad for all you do for me.
And as always, every moment, I must thank God - הטוב כי לא חלו רחמך, והמרחם כי לא תמו חסדך
This is not to say there is never tension between us, but I must acknowledge the good along with the bad. Also, they made sure I got a good education, which is a big deal.
So thanks Mom and Dad for all you do for me.
And as always, every moment, I must thank God - הטוב כי לא חלו רחמך, והמרחם כי לא תמו חסדך
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tonight
Today I was at a comedy club, and there was an Arab. The comedian invited him onstage and urged him to tell jokes in Arabic, but he refused. A little while later, the comedian made a joke about an Arab who didn't speak Hebrew - and the sentence "death to the Arabs" came up in the context of the joke - one woman said, "that's not funny", to which another replied "the leftie has arrived" - which is a common reaction to people who get all upset every time that sentence is mentioned. The comedian again tried inviting the Arab up - "I want to make some Arab jokes to include you", he said, upon the Arab's refusal. Now, I do beleive the comedian sincerely wanted the Arab to feel included - but I also think that Arab jokes aren't funny, and the man should have been left alone - the best way to include him is to let him be a normal part of the audience. I wanted to get up and scream this, but was afraid this would make the man feel even more singled out and awkward. Now however, I am left with the feeling of regret that comes with having seen a human harmed and done nothing - I have sat by while my brother's blood was shed. Maybe saying something would have made him feel awkward or made me look foolish, but at least he would know he's not alone.
Part of my goal in coming here was to fix the situation in all these little ways - one of my proudest moments in Israel - and one of my most religiously meaningful ones - was helping an Arab woman bag groceries while I wore religious Jewish garb. I try to say 'Thank you" to cleaning ladies and gentelmen. I beleive if I can create enough moments of tiny positive interactions between people, especially people of different ethnic groups, it can add up. Tonight, such an opportunity was lost - I keep on thinking of God chastising Moses and Aron for not sanctifying his name at Mey Meriva (Waters of Strife).
I also meant to go around handing out chocolates to different people, to combat a spitting crisis - but then I ate the chocolates I bought when I had a bad day! Speaking of which, I am slightly hungry, despite having eaten a ton today, and this connects to my earlier blog post.
Anyhow, on the bus-ride back, I felt alone and lonely, despite having spent all this time with a group of people whose company I enjoyed. I thought about the times I felt least lonely, and realized they were the times when I felt most satisfied with myself. I had seen a crying friend home and left another friend waiting to get laid, and thought about how incredible we humans are - we all go around each day functioning normally, while carrying these huge bags of loneliness inside of us, covering the bags in different ways - cry-fest, sex, writing this blog.
I am looking forward to the day when I feel - comfortable in my own shadow? No, that's such an overused metaphor - I am looking forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely. I am usually good at that - I enjoy going to parks and museums by myself, and reading and writing. But I am currently living in a friend's basement, without my books, it is too cold for parks - the list of excuses go on, and they are just valid enough to make them true. Perhaps it is time to buy a book and to devote more time to writing again - and to Torah study, of course. Speaking of which, I leave you with a shiur: http://vbm-torah.org/archive/parsha68/39-68chukkat.htm
Part of my goal in coming here was to fix the situation in all these little ways - one of my proudest moments in Israel - and one of my most religiously meaningful ones - was helping an Arab woman bag groceries while I wore religious Jewish garb. I try to say 'Thank you" to cleaning ladies and gentelmen. I beleive if I can create enough moments of tiny positive interactions between people, especially people of different ethnic groups, it can add up. Tonight, such an opportunity was lost - I keep on thinking of God chastising Moses and Aron for not sanctifying his name at Mey Meriva (Waters of Strife).
I also meant to go around handing out chocolates to different people, to combat a spitting crisis - but then I ate the chocolates I bought when I had a bad day! Speaking of which, I am slightly hungry, despite having eaten a ton today, and this connects to my earlier blog post.
Anyhow, on the bus-ride back, I felt alone and lonely, despite having spent all this time with a group of people whose company I enjoyed. I thought about the times I felt least lonely, and realized they were the times when I felt most satisfied with myself. I had seen a crying friend home and left another friend waiting to get laid, and thought about how incredible we humans are - we all go around each day functioning normally, while carrying these huge bags of loneliness inside of us, covering the bags in different ways - cry-fest, sex, writing this blog.
I am looking forward to the day when I feel - comfortable in my own shadow? No, that's such an overused metaphor - I am looking forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely. I am usually good at that - I enjoy going to parks and museums by myself, and reading and writing. But I am currently living in a friend's basement, without my books, it is too cold for parks - the list of excuses go on, and they are just valid enough to make them true. Perhaps it is time to buy a book and to devote more time to writing again - and to Torah study, of course. Speaking of which, I leave you with a shiur: http://vbm-torah.org/archive/parsha68/39-68chukkat.htm
Food
Warning: This is boring. Imagine that whiny girl who you don't ask out for a second date because you're too annoyed at her for counting the calories in her salad. That's me at this moment. Was that image sexist? Heck yes. Am I, too, a product of the patriarchy, of this media that turns women into sex objects yet condemns them for trying to be sexual? Yes. As Gloria Steinem said, our greatest task - both as men and women - is not to learn, but to unlearn. (Kudos to the Good Men Project for the quote - http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/yes-rape-victims-get-erections-too/ )
Ok, so:
I've been thinking about food a lot lately. This is strange for me- I am not usually a big eater, but here I have been munching away at bread and dreaming about protein (literally). I am wondering what's going on with my body, and am slightly worried. Of course, there is the cosmetic issue - I like myself at a certain weight and want to maintain that weight (breif interruption as I research Loeys Dietz Syndrome and drink OJ - no, not the Simpson). Part of it is just that I am confused - and like most humans, I prefer not to be.
Theories on newfound appetite:
1. I ate falafel twice last week when I was not hungry - this was out of a) desire to eat good falfel, which I haven't done since being here b) forcing myself to eat by myself in public, which for me is a big deal c) figured I'd give into it this one week and move one, type of deal.
But maybe my body got used to eating when I'm not hungry/got used to eating more and now is hungry more.
2. I've been living with carnivores, and have adapted to their carniverous ways.
3. I am spiritually unsatisfied and have too much free time. I should not have time to eat. In that case, I must fix my life. I think my lack of Torah study is somehow also tied up to my eating habits, not because of some esoteric beleif, but based on anecdotal evidence - I know from thinking back on phases in my life that when I study Torah more, I eat better. I can't explain it, but its true - kind of like how its a fact that every world cup I've been in Brazil for since I was born, Brazil's won - every one I've been in the US for, they've lost. I am trying to use this data to get Brazil to finance my vacation there in 2014, but so far my efforts have been unsuccessful.
4. I've been sick and indoors a lot - a slightly modified version of 3, because in this version, its not my fault.
I have been thinking a bit about Judaism's approach to food: I find the habit of making blessings before and after food to be productive, because it encourages mindful eating and grattitude, which I think are good things to have in one's life, whether one is religious or not. According to Ramban's interpretation of "Kedoshim tihiyu", "you shall be holy" (found somewhere in Leviticus), holiness means not being a "disgusting human being without violating any of the technical laws of the Torah", but of course, by using that description as an interpretation of "kedoshim tihiyu", he turns that "disgusting human being...." into a violation of a Torah law - that of being holy. One of the examples Ramban uses is that of eating excessively. How cool -years before psychologists explained to us how important our attitude and relationship to food is for our well-being, Ramban came along and said that having an unhealthy attitude towards food is inconducive to a spiritually healthy, self-fulfilled lifestyle.
Ok, so:
I've been thinking about food a lot lately. This is strange for me- I am not usually a big eater, but here I have been munching away at bread and dreaming about protein (literally). I am wondering what's going on with my body, and am slightly worried. Of course, there is the cosmetic issue - I like myself at a certain weight and want to maintain that weight (breif interruption as I research Loeys Dietz Syndrome and drink OJ - no, not the Simpson). Part of it is just that I am confused - and like most humans, I prefer not to be.
Theories on newfound appetite:
1. I ate falafel twice last week when I was not hungry - this was out of a) desire to eat good falfel, which I haven't done since being here b) forcing myself to eat by myself in public, which for me is a big deal c) figured I'd give into it this one week and move one, type of deal.
But maybe my body got used to eating when I'm not hungry/got used to eating more and now is hungry more.
2. I've been living with carnivores, and have adapted to their carniverous ways.
3. I am spiritually unsatisfied and have too much free time. I should not have time to eat. In that case, I must fix my life. I think my lack of Torah study is somehow also tied up to my eating habits, not because of some esoteric beleif, but based on anecdotal evidence - I know from thinking back on phases in my life that when I study Torah more, I eat better. I can't explain it, but its true - kind of like how its a fact that every world cup I've been in Brazil for since I was born, Brazil's won - every one I've been in the US for, they've lost. I am trying to use this data to get Brazil to finance my vacation there in 2014, but so far my efforts have been unsuccessful.
4. I've been sick and indoors a lot - a slightly modified version of 3, because in this version, its not my fault.
I have been thinking a bit about Judaism's approach to food: I find the habit of making blessings before and after food to be productive, because it encourages mindful eating and grattitude, which I think are good things to have in one's life, whether one is religious or not. According to Ramban's interpretation of "Kedoshim tihiyu", "you shall be holy" (found somewhere in Leviticus), holiness means not being a "disgusting human being without violating any of the technical laws of the Torah", but of course, by using that description as an interpretation of "kedoshim tihiyu", he turns that "disgusting human being...." into a violation of a Torah law - that of being holy. One of the examples Ramban uses is that of eating excessively. How cool -years before psychologists explained to us how important our attitude and relationship to food is for our well-being, Ramban came along and said that having an unhealthy attitude towards food is inconducive to a spiritually healthy, self-fulfilled lifestyle.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
אמא אמרה ש...
דברים שאמא אמרה בשבועיים שעברו (לא באיזה שום סדר מסוים):
1 אני גונבת את הכסף שלה כשהיא עדיין בחיים וזה לא בסדר
2. אני לא אחראית, לא מסודרת
3 למה אין לי חבר
4 למה אין לי מקום לגור
5 למה אין לי מקצוע
6 היא לא נותנת לי את הקצת כסף שאני חייבת בשביל שכר דירה
7 אני החיים שלה
8 היא אוהבת אותי
9 למה אני רוצה להיות עצמאית ולא סומכת עליה בשביל כסף
10 היא רוצה לשכור דירה בירושלים בשביל עצמה, עד 2000 דולרים לחודש היא מוכנה לשלם, ואני יכולה לגור בדירה כשהיא לא שמה
13 לא בא לה לשכור דירה - זה יותר מידי כסף, אך אם אני זקוקה לכסף
אני יכולה לבקש
14 למה אני בחרתי לא לנסע איתה לפריז? שברתי את הלב שלה(אין לי מוסג על מה היא מדברת)
כן, זה נחמד שלא כל הדברים הם שלילים - אך בצד שני, אפשר להשתגע!
1 אני גונבת את הכסף שלה כשהיא עדיין בחיים וזה לא בסדר
2. אני לא אחראית, לא מסודרת
3 למה אין לי חבר
4 למה אין לי מקום לגור
5 למה אין לי מקצוע
6 היא לא נותנת לי את הקצת כסף שאני חייבת בשביל שכר דירה
7 אני החיים שלה
8 היא אוהבת אותי
9 למה אני רוצה להיות עצמאית ולא סומכת עליה בשביל כסף
10 היא רוצה לשכור דירה בירושלים בשביל עצמה, עד 2000 דולרים לחודש היא מוכנה לשלם, ואני יכולה לגור בדירה כשהיא לא שמה
13 לא בא לה לשכור דירה - זה יותר מידי כסף, אך אם אני זקוקה לכסף
אני יכולה לבקש
14 למה אני בחרתי לא לנסע איתה לפריז? שברתי את הלב שלה(אין לי מוסג על מה היא מדברת)
כן, זה נחמד שלא כל הדברים הם שלילים - אך בצד שני, אפשר להשתגע!
Difference in Attitude
A friend of mine said today: In America, they look down at you for the type of job you have. In Israel, they admire you for having a job.
She went on to say many Americans move to Israel to do what they want if it's outside the beaten track, because being off that track is more acceptable in Israeli society.
I was thinking today of the intimacy of sharing germs with people; I caught sickness from people I love over the weekend, and it's ok, because I love them, and this sickness comes from sharing their home and being part of their family.
I once mentioned to a friend of mine that I'm non-contagious because I didn't give my then-boyfriend strep, but my (male) friend shot back with a theory that men don't get sick from kissing women with contagious diseases, because they were evolutionarily designed to "spread their seed", and then shot back with some rather graphic anecdotal evidence.
I was thinking about this as I wait for my strep-test results, as I waited for a bus overlooking Jerusalem hilltops, breathing in the crisp Jerusalem air and relishing the slight chill I felt above my elbows.
The last time I had strep was at the height of our relationship, and he was quite helpful. I thought how I was cold and lonely and alone, and I'd rather be cold and lonely and alone than be with him - and there's something empowering in that knowledge.
Two asides:
1. I have been glasses-less and phone-less for the past few days, and forced to take off from work in case I'm contagious. This keeps on reminding me of the phrase "mensch trach unt Gott lacht" or "רבות מחשבות בלב איש ועצת ה היא תקום"
2. I was stuck outside for half an hour the other day and spent the time listing the things I have to be grateful for in my journal. It was awesome - I am grateful to have such a list of things.
Moment
I just had a really good conversation with my mother, and it occurred to me that both my mother and I have ever-shifting dreams; sometimes we have miscommunications when we each present our versions of reality.
I just wanted to share this happy moment of parent-child functionality.
הורים
כשהייתי בת 18, לפעמים השותפה שלי היתה נכנסת לחדר שלנו ואומרת"את בוכה, בטח שדברת עם האמא שלך היום. את לא יודעת שאסור לך לדבר עם האמא שלך?"
היום קבלתי דואל מהאמא שלי שנתן לי את הרצון לבכות - כמה פעמים יכולים להגיד לך שאת חטיחת אפס בלי שתרגישי ככה?
קשה לי לכתוב על זה, כי זה כל כך מאייף אפילו לחשוב על כל הקטע הזה עם ההורים שלי, וכי אני מנסה להכריח את עצמי לכתוב על הנוסע הזה בעברית.
אני מפחדת שארגיש מרירות, ומתפללת לה שהוא ישמור עלי
אך אני גם כן חושבת שאם לא הייתי כבר מרגישה שאני לא מקיימת את הפוטנציאל לי, היה יותר קשה להורים שלי להשפיע עלי כחה - כי באמת, אנימרגישה שמאז שהגעתי לארץ, אני לא מתפקדת בצורה
שבה אני רצה לתפקד, ולא יודעת איך בדיוק לתקן את המצב.
אני נשפכת מאייפות, כי אני חולה השבוע, שזה גם כן קשה לי - אני אוהבת לעשות דברים, לא להשאר בפנים ולנוח
אל תחשבו שאני בן אדם שלילי- זה ממש לא כחה, אני פשוט בוחרת להוציא את רוב השליליות שלי דרך האינטרנט
Monday, November 7, 2011
Ok, so now on to condoms
I had a discussion about "safe sex" with a family friend over the weekend, which centered on the fact that birth control pills don't protect against STDs (you'd think this fact is self-evident, but apparently it's not). My discussion was a bit hampered by the fact that I don't know how to say "AIDS" or "Herpes" in Hebrew.
This discussion got me thinking about my highschool days: I was, and am, a condom - damn, I can't use the word Nazi casually like that, no matter how much I want to. Oof.
Ok, I am a condom fanatic. (Yes! Word success!) In highschool, my advice to all friends about losing virginity was essentially: Only when you're ready, and use a condom. I even took a friend condom shopping when she was afraid to go herself (we bought Trojan lubed). I was even supposed to have a volunteer stint handing out condoms on a beach in Rio, but at the last minute, things didn't work out (anyone want to travel to Rio for two months with me and do it?).
And of course, there I was this Friday, preaching the importance of safe sex - yet I'm not having any. Does that make me a hypocrite? If so, it is ok to be a hypocrite sometimes - I mean, I have no problem fighting for a woman's right to eat pussy, despite having no intentions of ever doing so myself - does that make me a hypocrite too? Yet the "solutions" to my hypocrisy - physical intimacy with a woman or stopping to fight for gay rights - don't really appeal to me. At all.er
There is no conclusion to this rant - so be safe, use protection, and have fun :)
This discussion got me thinking about my highschool days: I was, and am, a condom - damn, I can't use the word Nazi casually like that, no matter how much I want to. Oof.
Ok, I am a condom fanatic. (Yes! Word success!) In highschool, my advice to all friends about losing virginity was essentially: Only when you're ready, and use a condom. I even took a friend condom shopping when she was afraid to go herself (we bought Trojan lubed). I was even supposed to have a volunteer stint handing out condoms on a beach in Rio, but at the last minute, things didn't work out (anyone want to travel to Rio for two months with me and do it?).
And of course, there I was this Friday, preaching the importance of safe sex - yet I'm not having any. Does that make me a hypocrite? If so, it is ok to be a hypocrite sometimes - I mean, I have no problem fighting for a woman's right to eat pussy, despite having no intentions of ever doing so myself - does that make me a hypocrite too? Yet the "solutions" to my hypocrisy - physical intimacy with a woman or stopping to fight for gay rights - don't really appeal to me. At all.er
There is no conclusion to this rant - so be safe, use protection, and have fun :)
Jokes
So I notice that slightly racist jokes seem to be pretty acceptable in Israeli society - I don't mean racist against a specific group; most often the jokes are racist against different types of Jews. I think this is because there is a great rift between different segments of Israeli society; a lot of this has to do with the geographic separation (de facto - none of it legalized) that exists between said segments. I've written extensively on this subject on Facebook and don't have the energy to do so here, but these jokes really bother me.
At the end of the day, a society that allows racism against one group of people will allow racism against another; once discrimination* is acceptable, it is acceptable.
This is one of my favorite poems about the issue, "The Hangman", by Maurice Ogden: http://sacramentofordemocracy.org/node/35105
* again, I'm talking about social, not legal, discrimination
At the end of the day, a society that allows racism against one group of people will allow racism against another; once discrimination* is acceptable, it is acceptable.
This is one of my favorite poems about the issue, "The Hangman", by Maurice Ogden: http://sacramentofordemocracy.org/node/35105
* again, I'm talking about social, not legal, discrimination
A woman next to me is praying; I am blogging - oy gevalt!
As I nurse major caffeine withdrawal, I will try to ponder discrimination against religious-ness in mainstream (ie secular) Israeli society:
1. Most of my secular friends deny its existence 2. Most of my religious friends do not
I don't think its official - its not like you're less likely to get a job because you're religious, etc. I also don't think its personal - most secular Israelis have positive personal relationships with religious Israelis, so it's not like individual religious people are being discriminated against by individual secular people, as a general rule.
It's more that being religious is considered a negative quality. You can be cool despite being religious - but it is a "despite", not "because of".
I notice even in terms of things like dating, in the US, my dating a non-Jew would be considered normal secular society, whereas in Israeli society for me as a religious Jew to date a non-religious Jew would be considered weird, and non-religious relatives have told me point-blank that as a religious Jew I'll never be part of the same society that they are "our social lives are completely different", I was told, which I feel like is code for "You don't sleep around or party on Friday nights".
That's all I have the energy for right now -1 down, 2 to go.
1. Most of my secular friends deny its existence 2. Most of my religious friends do not
I don't think its official - its not like you're less likely to get a job because you're religious, etc. I also don't think its personal - most secular Israelis have positive personal relationships with religious Israelis, so it's not like individual religious people are being discriminated against by individual secular people, as a general rule.
It's more that being religious is considered a negative quality. You can be cool despite being religious - but it is a "despite", not "because of".
I notice even in terms of things like dating, in the US, my dating a non-Jew would be considered normal secular society, whereas in Israeli society for me as a religious Jew to date a non-religious Jew would be considered weird, and non-religious relatives have told me point-blank that as a religious Jew I'll never be part of the same society that they are "our social lives are completely different", I was told, which I feel like is code for "You don't sleep around or party on Friday nights".
That's all I have the energy for right now -1 down, 2 to go.
Post-3-hour-bus-journey-musings
There is so much I want to write about, but for the moment, I am so exhausted, I can barely type. I've been sick since Weds, and managed to fit two full work days, a rehearsal, an audition, and a journey to Bney Brak into that time frame, not to mention a night out with friends, and working on my novel for National Novel Writing Month (Nanomo), a purely American meshugass worth google-ing.
Sometimes I think I must be crazy, both for my desire to make aliyah, and for my stubborness in staying here, when things in the US would be so much easier for me - Manhattan is a place I was born and raised, where I don't wander around for fifteen minutes looking for busstops, and have some pretense of how to navigate the beurocracy. It's where I have my friends - and yes, my parents, who, kvetch as I do, are still some sort of support network, I think.
Anyhow, I was having "one of those days" on Thursday, when I stopped at the tachana hamerkazit to eat something and try to use the internet during my one and a half hour lunch break in a twelve hour workday. I wound up getting into a random conversation about aliyah with a woman about my age, named Leah, whose parents emigrated from Russia. It was one of those cool random encounters that I love, that I think Jerusalem is a particularly great city for.
I've been thinking a lot recently about rifts in Israeli society, and discrimination against religious people, and condoms, all for really different reasons, but am too tired to write about those serious topics - and yes, condoms are serious - we're talking about preventing STDS and unwanted pregancies!
To sum up: Wear a condom, and have a nice day. (This should be the sign-post on some sleezy motel where you pay by the hour.)
Sometimes I think I must be crazy, both for my desire to make aliyah, and for my stubborness in staying here, when things in the US would be so much easier for me - Manhattan is a place I was born and raised, where I don't wander around for fifteen minutes looking for busstops, and have some pretense of how to navigate the beurocracy. It's where I have my friends - and yes, my parents, who, kvetch as I do, are still some sort of support network, I think.
Anyhow, I was having "one of those days" on Thursday, when I stopped at the tachana hamerkazit to eat something and try to use the internet during my one and a half hour lunch break in a twelve hour workday. I wound up getting into a random conversation about aliyah with a woman about my age, named Leah, whose parents emigrated from Russia. It was one of those cool random encounters that I love, that I think Jerusalem is a particularly great city for.
I've been thinking a lot recently about rifts in Israeli society, and discrimination against religious people, and condoms, all for really different reasons, but am too tired to write about those serious topics - and yes, condoms are serious - we're talking about preventing STDS and unwanted pregancies!
To sum up: Wear a condom, and have a nice day. (This should be the sign-post on some sleezy motel where you pay by the hour.)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Obsession?
I got told today I am obsessed with "guy hitting on me" stories. I was really bothered by it. Usually, if you're very bothered by criticism, its evidence that the criticism has a grain of truth. So here is an attempt to justify my obsession, and in the process, maybe I'll have some magical moment of self-discovery, (Eugh. The very term "self-discovery" makes me want to - oof, I can't think of any threat with teeth.)
Anyhow, reasons:
1. Usually people find (or have found, in the past) these stories entertaining. I was always known as the one with the wacky creepy guy stories*, and it was considered part of my charm. Post-college, it occurs to me people are not obsessed with sex and would rather talk about other things - which means I'll need to find myself a new repetoire of party stories.
2. Yes, I do have more of these stories than the average person, because sometimes guys confuse my friendliness with more-than-friendliness. Also, I am obsessed with gender issues, and this feeds into that.
3. A friend pointed out maybe I find these stories flattering. He is absolutely right. I find these stories flattering, and even guys I've been in relationships with have found them amusing - I once scored a first date by telling a story of a bad first date. But what does it say about my level of confidence in myself at the moment that I tell these stories to flatter my ego? Thank God I am a generally confident person, but I think not having the minor-flirtation outlet known as "college nightlife" readily available has not been good for my ego. Nor does it help that I at times buy into a culture that tells me that my (relative) sexual inexperience is some sort of flaw, that it makes me undesirable - and I have plenty of guy friends who indeed do find it undesirable (admittedly, this has not prevented some of those guy friends from trying to get me into bed), and I sometimes feel just completely inadequate for not having a love life at the moment, and for not having whatever the hell type of sexual history Western society tells me I'm supposed to have at the age of 23. And in case I didn't mention it before, judging a woman - or a man - by their sexual history is objectifying - and that is exactly what our lovely modern culture does
A post-script: This has nothing to do with times I was harrassed. A woman, a family friend, tried to rape me when I was six, so if things worked like that, I'd have to be obsessed with women hitting on me - but I'm not. I do speak a lot about my sexual identity as a straight woman, but that's only because so many people seem to confuse "feminist" with "lesbian" - I'd be a heck of a lot less bothered by the way society messes up men if I didn't want to fuck them and actually have romantic relationships with them - also, men are just incredible - I love their bodies. I don't know what else to say.
Which brings me to how this episode started: A friend of mine set me up on what might have been a shidduch date with another woman, or what might have been just a "meet each other platonically" thing. While in reality I suspect its the latter, I thought it made a funny story if I gave it the former interpretation - and yes, I also thought it was slightly sexy, because I've been taught that anything involving two women is somehow "objectively" (ie according to the straight male gaze) sexy. So I told this story (obviously in a way that would not compromise the anonymity of anyone involved) and joked about how half the men in my life think I'm a lesbian and half want to get me into bed. The last time I said this line, it was a huge success - but - ironically - that's probably just because the guy I said it to was trying to get me into bed.** So I suppose my obsession has suffused this entire post.
But anyhow, I guess the bottom line is that maybe it's time for me to re-evaluate the concept that everything must be sexualized in order to be entertaining. I mean, sexualizing things does make them more entertaining, but maybe that power, like the word cunt, should be reserved for special occasions.
*I mean, I was stalked by a library security guard, and asked out by a homeless man - I have lots of these stories, because I tend to assume a guy is completely uninterested until the moment when it becomes clear I'm mistaken.
** He succeeded. It's why we're no longer talking - and you know what? It was totally worth it. I can't decide if that means the hookup was amazing or that our friendship was not - or maybe a bit of both?
Anyhow, reasons:
1. Usually people find (or have found, in the past) these stories entertaining. I was always known as the one with the wacky creepy guy stories*, and it was considered part of my charm. Post-college, it occurs to me people are not obsessed with sex and would rather talk about other things - which means I'll need to find myself a new repetoire of party stories.
2. Yes, I do have more of these stories than the average person, because sometimes guys confuse my friendliness with more-than-friendliness. Also, I am obsessed with gender issues, and this feeds into that.
3. A friend pointed out maybe I find these stories flattering. He is absolutely right. I find these stories flattering, and even guys I've been in relationships with have found them amusing - I once scored a first date by telling a story of a bad first date. But what does it say about my level of confidence in myself at the moment that I tell these stories to flatter my ego? Thank God I am a generally confident person, but I think not having the minor-flirtation outlet known as "college nightlife" readily available has not been good for my ego. Nor does it help that I at times buy into a culture that tells me that my (relative) sexual inexperience is some sort of flaw, that it makes me undesirable - and I have plenty of guy friends who indeed do find it undesirable (admittedly, this has not prevented some of those guy friends from trying to get me into bed), and I sometimes feel just completely inadequate for not having a love life at the moment, and for not having whatever the hell type of sexual history Western society tells me I'm supposed to have at the age of 23. And in case I didn't mention it before, judging a woman - or a man - by their sexual history is objectifying - and that is exactly what our lovely modern culture does
A post-script: This has nothing to do with times I was harrassed. A woman, a family friend, tried to rape me when I was six, so if things worked like that, I'd have to be obsessed with women hitting on me - but I'm not. I do speak a lot about my sexual identity as a straight woman, but that's only because so many people seem to confuse "feminist" with "lesbian" - I'd be a heck of a lot less bothered by the way society messes up men if I didn't want to fuck them and actually have romantic relationships with them - also, men are just incredible - I love their bodies. I don't know what else to say.
Which brings me to how this episode started: A friend of mine set me up on what might have been a shidduch date with another woman, or what might have been just a "meet each other platonically" thing. While in reality I suspect its the latter, I thought it made a funny story if I gave it the former interpretation - and yes, I also thought it was slightly sexy, because I've been taught that anything involving two women is somehow "objectively" (ie according to the straight male gaze) sexy. So I told this story (obviously in a way that would not compromise the anonymity of anyone involved) and joked about how half the men in my life think I'm a lesbian and half want to get me into bed. The last time I said this line, it was a huge success - but - ironically - that's probably just because the guy I said it to was trying to get me into bed.** So I suppose my obsession has suffused this entire post.
But anyhow, I guess the bottom line is that maybe it's time for me to re-evaluate the concept that everything must be sexualized in order to be entertaining. I mean, sexualizing things does make them more entertaining, but maybe that power, like the word cunt, should be reserved for special occasions.
*I mean, I was stalked by a library security guard, and asked out by a homeless man - I have lots of these stories, because I tend to assume a guy is completely uninterested until the moment when it becomes clear I'm mistaken.
** He succeeded. It's why we're no longer talking - and you know what? It was totally worth it. I can't decide if that means the hookup was amazing or that our friendship was not - or maybe a bit of both?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Random Again
People are often so much more forgiving than we expect them to be. Today I expected to get yelled at, and instead I got forgiven. Just a reminder of why we need to keep on having faith in others -though of course, as David says, ultimately, "Let us fall into the hands of God, for His mercy is overly abundant, and let us not fall into the hands of people".
My translation sucks. Also, I am only using "His" because English has no gender-neutral pronoun. Seriousl English - get your groove on.
My translation sucks. Also, I am only using "His" because English has no gender-neutral pronoun. Seriousl English - get your groove on.
Random Jerusalem Moments
1. Either way, I was amused. One of the things I love about my Che earrings (besides the fact that they cost 5 shekels and come from Tel Aviv) is the conversations they provoke. I am quite left-wing, but of course, do not condone the violence of Che's actions, which wound up killing the very people he was fighting for - one of the many ironies of the ways Communism has played out throughout history.
2. One of the things I love about Jerusalem is the variety of languages on hears on a daily basis: Today I practied my Spanish comprehension on a bus, and recognized that it was South American Spanish but not Argentinean - which I know would make my mom proud.* (I also have a Mexican folk song about a witch stuck in my head now.) I listened to French while waiting for the bus, and am babysitting for Ethiopian-French girls - and take pleasure in the fact that I, a white girl, am working for girls with darker colored skin who are of African descent, and love how we are all religious Jews despite our different appearances. I also love seeing various people pray - a religious Muslim with prayer-beads at one bus stop, a religious Jewish girl praying at another.
3. Thank God, I am starting to feel more settled. I took a new attitude: You do your best, God will do the rest. I beleive in that with all my heart, and think that our society is too results-oriented instead of being process-oriented. (Yes, I am a hippy - a religious, poetry-writing, feminist hippy - deal with it, or move over so I can lie down on the grass and eat some tofu.)
* While watching a soccer game featuring the Argentinian national team, and discussing the players' bodies, my mom turns to me and says, "Never date an Argentinean. They're all malandros malditos". Three seconds later she apologized profusely for using such bad language. If you're wondering why I love my mom - its for moments like these - and because she's, you know, my mother. The people on my bus turned out to be from Uruguay.
2. One of the things I love about Jerusalem is the variety of languages on hears on a daily basis: Today I practied my Spanish comprehension on a bus, and recognized that it was South American Spanish but not Argentinean - which I know would make my mom proud.* (I also have a Mexican folk song about a witch stuck in my head now.) I listened to French while waiting for the bus, and am babysitting for Ethiopian-French girls - and take pleasure in the fact that I, a white girl, am working for girls with darker colored skin who are of African descent, and love how we are all religious Jews despite our different appearances. I also love seeing various people pray - a religious Muslim with prayer-beads at one bus stop, a religious Jewish girl praying at another.
3. Thank God, I am starting to feel more settled. I took a new attitude: You do your best, God will do the rest. I beleive in that with all my heart, and think that our society is too results-oriented instead of being process-oriented. (Yes, I am a hippy - a religious, poetry-writing, feminist hippy - deal with it, or move over so I can lie down on the grass and eat some tofu.)
* While watching a soccer game featuring the Argentinian national team, and discussing the players' bodies, my mom turns to me and says, "Never date an Argentinean. They're all malandros malditos". Three seconds later she apologized profusely for using such bad language. If you're wondering why I love my mom - its for moments like these - and because she's, you know, my mother. The people on my bus turned out to be from Uruguay.
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