Tonight

Today I was at a comedy club, and there was an Arab. The comedian invited him onstage and urged him to tell jokes in Arabic, but he refused. A little while later, the comedian made a joke about an Arab who didn't speak Hebrew - and the sentence "death to the Arabs" came up in the context of the joke - one woman said, "that's not funny", to which another replied "the leftie has arrived" - which is a common reaction to people who get all upset every time that sentence is mentioned. The comedian again tried inviting the Arab up - "I want to make some Arab jokes to include you", he said, upon the Arab's refusal. Now, I do beleive the comedian sincerely wanted the Arab to feel included - but I also think that Arab jokes aren't funny, and the man should have been left alone - the best way to include him is to let him be a normal part of the audience. I wanted to get up and scream this, but was afraid this would make the man feel even more singled out and awkward. Now however, I am left with the feeling of regret that comes with having seen a human harmed and done nothing - I have sat by while my brother's blood was shed. Maybe saying something would have made him feel awkward or made me look foolish, but at least he would know he's not alone.

Part of my goal in coming here was to fix the situation in all these little ways - one of my proudest moments in Israel - and one of my most religiously meaningful ones - was helping an Arab woman bag groceries while I wore religious Jewish garb. I try to say 'Thank you" to cleaning ladies and gentelmen. I beleive if I can create enough moments of tiny positive interactions between people, especially people of different ethnic groups, it can add up. Tonight, such an opportunity was lost - I keep on thinking of God chastising Moses and Aron for not sanctifying his name at Mey Meriva (Waters of Strife).

I also meant to go around handing out chocolates to different people, to combat a spitting crisis - but then I ate the chocolates I bought when I had a bad day! Speaking of which, I am slightly hungry, despite having eaten a ton today, and this connects to my earlier blog post.

Anyhow, on the bus-ride back, I felt alone and lonely, despite having spent all this time with a group of people whose company I enjoyed. I thought about the times I felt least lonely, and realized they were the times when I felt most satisfied with myself. I had seen a crying friend home and left another friend waiting to get laid, and thought about how incredible we humans are - we all go around each day functioning normally, while carrying these huge bags of loneliness inside of us, covering the bags in different ways - cry-fest, sex, writing this blog.

I am looking forward to the day when I feel - comfortable in my own shadow? No, that's such an overused metaphor - I am looking forward to the day when I can be alone without feeling lonely. I am usually good at that - I enjoy going to parks and museums by myself, and reading and writing. But I am currently living in a friend's basement, without my books, it is too cold for parks - the list of excuses go on, and they are just valid enough to make them true. Perhaps it is time to buy a book and to devote more time to writing again - and to Torah study, of course. Speaking of which, I leave you with a shiur: http://vbm-torah.org/archive/parsha68/39-68chukkat.htm