A lot has happened. First of all, thank God, I've been having lots of good social experiences this past week - lots of time spent chilling with friends. Also, I finally bought a new book so I have something to read - I wanted to get Catch-22, but couldn't find it, so got Supersad True Love Story by Gary Shteingart, whose work I enjoy.
A few quotes from recent convos:
1. Did you kill or rape someone in a past life to have the kind of really bad karma you must have if all these things are happening to you? Your life sounds like a Virginia Wolf novel - please promise me you won't go drown yourself in a river.
Me: Well, I was thinking of going to the Jordan...
Friend: But then you'd make it tameh!
Me: My final act of heresy.
(I am not suicidal, thank God. We were joking.)
2. Me: What bothers me isn't the discomfort of having a cold - its that its so unattractive to walk around with a box of tissues.
Friend: You are your mother's daughter.
3. Friend: Maybe you should be a teacher.
Me: I'd make the worst teacher - "I don't know whether or not God exists, but you should beleive in Him. You don't have to be shomer negiah, but don't sleep around, and make sure to use a condom."
Friend: No, I think that would make you a good teacher - they'd really listen to you.
I actually have been thinking about this conversation, because I do think there is a tendency to teach things to teenagers in black and white, assuming they are not ready for complexity, which usually makes them insulted and winds up backfiring. I think there is also an assumption that people will be "less religious" than their education preaches, so preach a tad to the right of what you want your students to be - which also backfires. I think a good example of this is shomrut negiah - if people were taught about mikvah and about "meaningful" and "unmeaningful" physical intimacy, and about the spectrum of physical intimacy and drawing their own boundaries about what type of touching should be meaningful, and thus reserved for relationships, would be much more succesful than "Be shomer/et" lectures.
I once asked a rabbi why the rabbis didn't have girls go to mikvah starting in puberty, since not having women immerse does not produce shomer behavior as much as it produces violations of niddah. He explained that allowing women to immerse would make it seem like rabbis condone pre-marital sex. I then asked why rabbis didn't have girls go to mikvah starting in puberty, but have men and women at bar/bat mitzvah sign contracts to not have pre-marital sexual intercourse. Then it would be quite clear that the rabbis don't condone pre-marital sex. The rabbi replied that such contracts could be broken - but of course, anything can be broken - breaking one's word is taken seriously in Jewish law. This lack of trust is insulting - if you are asking me to refrain from sex, I need more than an "I don't want to appear like I approve of pre-marital sex" as the reason you impose laws on me that would make me be overet on an issur deoraita if I slept around - and I assure you, if I feel that at 23, I felt it more strongly at 18, and so do most teenagers - especially because that's when hormones are so crazy.
I do focus a lot on sex in my arguments, bc a) many of the halachas that I think are the hardest to justify rationally/are theoretically problematic in how they developed/are influenced by society - are in that realm b) bc sexuality is so integral to being human, I think that's where a lot of people's frustrations build up, and often this frustration can lead one on a path of abandonment of the religious lifestyle - especially because we are taught it's black and white, so it's like "Once I'm not observing sexual halachot and am a sinner, I might as well go all the way and have fun".
On that subject: I did not let myself get drunk tonight because I was afraid of being drunk and lonely, but thank God, I am feeling sober and happy. I was called beautiful tonight, and while I do not know when I will see this person again, and am not looking for a relationship with them (or a one-night stand either, for that matter), I was really happy to be called that. I was happy spcifically because it wasn't a pickup, which means there were no ulterior motives. The last time someone called me "beautiful' (before tonight) was when they were trying to get me into bed.
I have been measuring my health in my horniness: Earlier this week I was thinking about pearl necklaces (its a sexual move - look it up) so I was confident I was on the road to recovery. Then I was back to only longing for cuddling, so I knew I was worse. Tonight, I felt like assuming the right circumstances, leaving aside religion, etc., I would respond to sexual overtures, which is exciting, and means hopefully I am on my way to getting better.
I also saw a great movie starring Elizabeth Taylor, in which she asks how her lover could have revealed their secret to his wife "That's private! Isn't the romantic relationship between lovers at least as sacred of that between confessor and worshipper, lawyer and client, doctor and patient, isn't it just as holy?". That really stuck with me. The movie also dealth with the concept of loving two people at once and how self-development affects relationships, and how we can inspire each other - it's called "Love for Adults", or something like that, which kind of makes it sound like porn.
Also, revelation about songs: Half are about wanting sex. The other half are about having had sex and things turned out badly.
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