Today I feel like a failure. I was supposed to go to a friend's for shabbat, but she didn't get back to me to confirm til Thursday night, by which time I was sick and psyched out of going. Instead of pushing myself - which was the right thing to do, because this person is awesome and I'm sure I'd have fun with her, and because I made a commitment - I bailed. I've been pushing myself a lot recently in a lot of different ways, and just reached a point where I could push myself no longer.
The right thing to do would have been to recognize my boundaries and turn down the invitation, but I am a) bad at recognizing my own limits b) bad at saying no to people. Sometimes I want to, but I literally can not verbalize the words. I can't even tell you how much trouble this has gotten me into viz a viz guys, even though I am pretty good at verbalizing sexual boundaries at the start of a relationship, though I can't honestly say no border of mine has been breached. I would like to think that the border-breaching was from another era, when I stayed in relationships that were bad for me because I was trying to fill a hole inside me (God, that is such a bad metaphor to use when talking about anything even remotely related to sex, especially if you're a straight woman), that I finally realized could only be filled by me - and that I finally realized I had the power to fill.
Anyhow, my troubles saying "no" continue to haunt me, romantically and otherwise. A friend of mine told me he thinks an inability to say no stems from having a good heart. I hope so. I want to have a good heart, to be a kind person, to be a person who knows how to laugh and to hug and to listen to others. I pray that God helps me on that path.
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